Thoughts on Mama's Family and Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

 

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"Well, the truth is, when I think about my family, my kids and all their kids, it kind of chokes me up. I really mean it. I know none of us have ever set the world on fire. ... Except for Cousin Oscar, and that was just a service station. ... Still, in all, I'm real proud of us Harpers. And when I think of what has happened to the family unit nowadays, it just turns my stomach. Husbands beating their wives, wives cheating on their husbands, kids stealing and running wild. And you know where I place all the blame? On all these TV shows that are supposed to be so funny. They've all got kids being raised by everybody except their parents. One program, there's a butler raising the kids. Another one's got an aunt raising Rhoda's kids. There's even a program with three guys raising kids, you don't know where they came from. ... It might be all right with those network honchos, but it does not sit right with this old lady. I guess some people might say that I'm a failure as a mother, but, when all of my children gather around at Christmas, before the mood turns ugly ... they always say, 'Mama, you're the greatest.' And I would have to agree with them."

Thoughts on Tidy Endings and Mystic Pizza

 

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"... I met Colin my sophomore year, and we got married right after graduation. And settled in for a nice quiet life of kids and careers. ... You think I was ready for this? Talk about life's little surprises. You live with somebody for 11 years and you share a life, a bed, you have a child, and one day you wake up and he tells you it's all been a lie. A lie. Try that one on for size. Here you are, the happiest couple you know and he tells you it's all been a lie."

Thoughts on four episodes of Married ... with Children

 

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"That's it, kids. Let's hear it for your mom. We're always quick to criticize her when she doesn't wash or cook or clean or scrub or ... well, let's face it, she does nothing ... but you've got to admit after all these years, she's finally found a way how to get our clothes clean."
*The doorbell rings. Peggy (Katey Sagal) answers it, letting in Marcy (Amanda Bearse), who's been doing the Bundys' laundry.*

Thoughts on a 1988 daytime TV sampler (with some bonus nighttime stuff)

 

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"I wouldn't be surprised if there were some submissive men in the audience right now who would love nothing more than to sit right here by my feet and play with my boots and kiss my feet, but they wouldn't have the nerve to do it in public. ..."

-- Mistress Kellie, a sexually dominant woman, on Sally

Thoughts on four episodes of Roseanne

 

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"Well I do know everything, Crystal. A guy is a lump, like this doughnut. Okay, so first, you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. *flicks off chopped nuts* And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap they pick up from the beer commercials. *breaks doughnut in half, then in half again* And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego. *devours that portion, to the audience's delight*"

Thoughts on Designing Women and Murphy Brown

 

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"When you saw us across the room, would you have made such a beeline over here if my breasts were not as big as they are?"

Thoughts on St. Elsewhere and China Beach

 

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"I hate hospitals."
"Yeah, this one's a dump. But I'm gonna turn it around."

Thoughts on a selection of Saturday Night Live sketches

 

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"If keeping a clean house is a crime, then let me be guilty!"
"(whispers to other woman) Guilty!"

Thoughts on The Cosby Show and A Different World

 

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"If you're going to spend the rest of your life trying to make your mother proud, then it sounds to me like the rest of your life is what it would take."

Thoughts on two episodes of Moonlighting

 

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*David Addison (Bruce Willis) and Maddie Hayes (Cybill Shepherd), alone together en route to the Palm Springs vicinity, remain at arms length from each other following her miscarriage in the previous episode*
"There's that tumbleweed again. I hope we're just not driving around in circles."
"All tumbleweeds look the same."
"Yeah. That's what they say about blue-eyed blondes."

Thoughts on four episodes of Who's the Boss?

 

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"Hey! Mon-ster! What do ya say?"
"I say men are scum! Filthy, testosterone-filled slime balls!"
"... Never bothered you before."
"Mother, did you and Max have one of your little tiffs?"
"My tiffs are not little!"

Thoughts on Newhart and 227

 

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"Well, I guess the burden does fall on the more advanced and developed of us to overlook the shortcomings of others. Besides, who am I to deprive you of me?"

Thoughts on Gore Vidal's Lincoln and The Ann Jillian Story

 

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"What's happening? 'Fraid I can't make it without breasts?"
"... Well, you know how this business is. They think of you for sexy comedian type parts."
"And cancer isn't sexy or funny, so that wipes me out, right? ... "
"... C'mon, will you eat this? You gotta keep up your strength."
"You haven't seen strength."

Thoughts on two episodes of Murder, She Wrote

 

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"Look, Kathleen, if you give me a good, juicy murder and a few suspects, my imagination will go swing into high gear, but, um, speechifying? I'm not sure that I could write on a soapbox."

Thoughts on two episodes of Cagney & Lacey

 

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"Sergeant Cagney, you knew the cost of reporting this type of crime. The effect on your career, the adverse publicity, the effect of being put on trial even though you're the victim. Isn't that correct?"
"I was painfully aware of how high the cost would be for me."
"And yet, despite all this knowledge, you still decided to bring these charges. Can you tell us why?"
"... I thought of the women that I had cajoled into, uh, coming forward with phony reassurances that everything would be alright. And I thought about my career. I'm gonna be on the police force for the rest of my professional life. And I didn't know how I could ever ask a woman to ... testify against a piece of dirt who had raped her ... if I didn't have the courage to go through with it myself."

Here's thoughts on The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd, episodes 14-17

 

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"I'm not going to be a party to this disorganized grousing. This is hopeless. I'm going shopping. Even though it is raining. Except that I can't get out of here."
"No, you can't, mother. You are trapped. Well, we're all trapped. Isn't that what we were just saying? We're just a bunch of angry broads here, ya know?"
"Let's castrate something."

Thoughts on The Taking of Flight 847: The Uli Derickson Story

 

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*Flight purser Derickson (Lindsay Wagner) takes an interest in the gun of hijacker Castro (Eli Danker). He agrees to let her hold it. While doing so, she clearly contemplates shooting him. He's aware of this. A few tense seconds pass before he smiles and retrieves the gun.*
"You would not be a good solider. You save life better than you take life. ... When our Lebanese brothers are released by Israel, we'll let you go."

Thoughts on 11 sketches from The Tracey Ullman Show

 

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"I'm a middle-aged woman whose buttocks are sagging rapidly. And like it or not, I'm in the market for a man. I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone with my ass."

Thoughts on two episodes of L.A. Law

 

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"With other people, I always used to pretend that I was someone I wasn't. And then I'd feel angry that no one really loved me for me. But you do, Stuart. You really love me for me. And that is the most incredible gift. And I just hope to God that I can make you half as happy as you've made me."
"I've never been so happy. I never thought I could be so happy."

Thoughts on two episodes of Beauty and the Beast

 

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*Catherine Chandler (Linda Hamilton) dreams of sharing an idyllic outdoors with Vincent (Ron Perlman)*
"Oh, Vincent."
"Your hair. ... The sunlight in your hair is so beautiful. ... Catherine. ... The colors. It's like another world."
"I feel like I'm seeing it for the first time."
"Where shall we go?"
"Everywhere. I want to show you everything."
"And we can go together?"
"Yes, together."

"Catherine, how can this be?"

"Because it's what I wished for. More than anything."