My Top Pick is South Park: Post COVID: The Return of COVID, premiering on Paramount+. This also serves as a handy reminder to lame-os like me who still need to see part one.
Let’s see what else TV has to offer us for Thursday, Dec. 16. All times are EST.
STREAMING
South Park: Post COVID: The Return of COVID, 3:01 a.m., Paramount+.
MacGruber, 3:01 a.m., Peacock. Series premiere. “After rotting in prison for over a decade, America’s ultimate hero and Uber-patriot MacGruber (Will Forte) is finally released. His mission: to take down a mysterious villain from his past — Brigadier Commander Enos Queeth (Billy Zane). With the entire world in the crosshairs, MacGruber must reassemble his old team, Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig) and Dixon Piper (Ryan Phillippe), in order to defeat the forces of evil. Also starring Laurence Fishburne and Sam Elliott. Eight episodes available.
Station Eleven, 3:01 a.m., HBO Max. Series premiere. "A post-apocalyptic saga spanning multiple timelines, this limited drama series tells the stories of survivors of a devastating flu as they attempt to rebuild and reimagine the world anew while holding on to the best of what's been lost. Station Eleven is based on the international bestseller of the same name by Emily St. John Mandel. Ten-episode series, unknown how many will be available at once.
Close To Me, 3:01 a.m., Sundance Now. Series premiere. “Jo Harding (Connie Nielsen) (is) a woman who seems to have it all, until a fall erases an entire year from her memory. As she struggles to piece events together, Jo discovers that her life wasn’t quite as perfect as she imagined and that someone will do all they can to keep a terrible secret from her.” Costarring Christopher Eccleston. Six-episode series, one episode per week.
Finding Magic Mike, 3:01 a.m., HBO Max. Series premiere. “Ten regular guys who have ‘lost their magic’ are put through the paces of a Magic Mike Live bootcamp, baring their souls — and more — as they learn to perform sexy and daring dance routines with one being crowned the real Magic Mike. The winner will pocket a cash prize.” Adam Rodriguez serves as mentor. Seven episodes available.
The Real Housewives of Miami, 3:01 a.m., Peacock. Fourth season premiere. Three episodes available.
Puff: Wonders of the Reef, 3:01 a.m., Netflix. “A baby pufferfish travels through a wondrous microworld full of fantastical creatures as he searches for a home on the Great Barrier Reef.”
A California Christmas: City Lights, 3:01 a.m., Netflix. “Callie and Joseph (Lauren Swickard, who also wrote the film, and her husband Josh Swickard), one year after they fell in love, (are) now running a dairy farm and winery. Their romance is threatened when business and family obligations call Joesph back to the city.”
A Naija Christmas, 3:01 a.m., Netflix. “Determined to carry out their mother’s one wish, three men scramble to find wives they can bring home by Christmas. Meanwhile, their mom sets out to plan the most beautiful Christmas celebration ever.”
A Christmas Wish, 3:01 a.m., BET+. “A single mother asks for a miracle for her and her daughter during Christmas.”
Days of Our Lives: A Very Salem Christmas, 3:01 a.m., Peacock. “Will Horton (Chandler Massey) writes a screenplay before his Christmas Eve deadline. Using everyone’s favorite feel-good holiday movie tropes, he creates a festive story based on his family and friends in Salem — but with several twists and turns you’ll never see coming.”
Prince Phillip: The Royal Family Remembers, 3:01 a.m., Discovery+.
And Just Like That …, 3:01 a.m., HBO Max. “When in Rome.”
Star Trek: Discovery, 3:01 a.m., Paramount+. “The Examples.”
The Game, 3:01 a.m., Paramount+. “A Hard Knock Life.”
Anne Boleyn, 3:01 a.m., AMC+.
Queen of the Universe, 3:01 a.m., Paramount+.
The Kids Tonight Show, 3:01 a.m., Peacock. Two episodes available.
The Not-Too-Late Show With Elmo, 3:01 a.m., HBO Max. Guests are Tamron Hall and Brandon “Tax” Niederauer.
Sesame Street, 3:01 a.m., HBO Max. “Doggie Job Search.”
TALKIN’ ‘BOUT TALK
Good Morning America, 7 a.m., ABC. Priyanka Chopra Jonas (The Matrix Resurrections) and cookies with Jamika Pessoa.
CBS Mornings, 7 a.m., CBS. Bette Midler (Kennedy Center honoree) and Nile Rodgers (auctioning his guitars for the We Are Family Foundation).
Today, 7 a.m., NBC. Segments on “Chasing the Cure” to colon cancer, “The Mayor of Rockefeller Center” and Meghan Trainor (“My Kind of Present”). Later, a woman who lost 100 pounds and became a marathon runner, winterizing your home, a fathers club, last minute gifts and managing holiday stress. After that, more with Meghan Trainor, author Lisa Harding (Bright Burning Things), a holiday party surprise and “Skinnytaste Air Fryer Dinners.”
The View, 11 a.m., ABC. Priyanka Chopra Jonas, holiday toys and the 12 Days of Holidays.
The Talk, 2 p.m., CBS. Cheryl Hines (I Can See Your Voice) and Katie Lowes (How We Roll).
Syndicated Corner, times and stations vary.
The Rachael Ray Show. Michelle Obama tells Rachael about how she’s providing 1 million meals to needy families nationwide. Plus Kristin Chenoweth (Happiness Is…Christmas!) and Rachael’s stuffed beef tenderloin.
Live with Kelly and Ryan. Kelly’s got guest co-host Dondré Whitfield, plus Keanu Reeves (The Matrix Resurrections) and Chef Maria Loi, who continues “Live’s Holiday Cooking Dream Team Week.”
The Wendy Williams Show. Guest Host Sherri Shepherd has Kel Mitchell (Blessed Mode).
The Kelly Clarkson Show. Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss (The Matrix Resurrections) and Jake Hoot (“When Christmas Has Come and Gone”).
The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Reese Witherspoon and Matthew McConaughey (Sing 2), Ed Sheeran (“Merry Christmas”; can we assume a surprise appearance by Elton John?) and the Arredondo siblings, who became TikTok sensations and inspired the Balloon World Cup in Spain.
The Drew Barrymore Show. Aubrey Piazza (The Legend of the Christmas Witch), Adam Rodriguez (Finding Magic Mike) and The Crafty Lumberjacks with a holiday gnome craft.
Dr. Phil. “‘The Great Resignation’: Do Quitters Ever Win?”
DAYTIME SPORTS (all are LIVE)
Premiere League Soccer, 2:40 p.m., NBC Sports. Chelsea vs. Everton.
Women’s College Volleyball, 7 p.m., ESPN. First semifinal of the NCAA Tournament, with Louisville vs. Wisconsin.
College Basketball, 7 p.m., ESPN2. Appalachian State at Duke.
PRE-PRIMETIME MOVIES
Tommy Boy, 5:30 p.m., VH1.
Silver Linings Playbook, 5:45 p.m., Showtime.
Final Analysis, 5:53 p.m., Cinemax.
Home Alone, 6 p.m. Freeform.
Four Christmases, 6 p.m., AMC.
First Blood, 6 p.m., BBC America.
Christmas CEO, 6 p.m., Hallmark.
Magic Mike XXL, 6 p.m., HBO.
Reba McEntire’s Christmas in Tune, 6 p.m., Lifetime.
Homekilling Queen, 6 p.m., Lifetime Movie Network.
Bitchin’: The Sound and Fury of Rick James, 6 p.m., Showtime Extreme.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, 6 p.m., The Movie Channel Xtreme.
Lady in the Water, 6:05 p.m., HBO2.
The Frozen Dead, 6:15 p.m., TCM.
The Internship, 6:25 p.m., HBO Signature.
It Comes at Night, 6:25 p.m., The Movie Channel.
Barbershop, 6:30 p.m., BET.
Justice League, 6:30 p.m., TNT.
Kingsman: The Secret Service, 7 p.m., FX.
The Neverending Story II: The Next Chapter, 7 p.m., HBO Family.
Under Siege, 7 p.m., MTV2.
The Breakfast Club, 7 p.m., Paramount.
The Secret of My Success, 7:06 p.m., StarzEncore.
Charming the Hearts of Men, 7:10 p.m., Starz. Premiere.
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, 7:15 p.m., MoreMax.
Battleship, 7:30 p.m., Syfy.
Deadpool 2, 7:35 p.m., FXM.
The Change-Up, 7:45 p.m., Sho2.
8 P.M.
NFL Football, FOX. LIVE. Kansas City at Los Angeles.
Dogs of the Year 2021, The CW. “The top dog stories of 2021. Celebrating the dogs that go above and beyond, leave their mark on society and achieve the nearly impossible. Kevin Frazier and Keltie Knight host.”
The Murders at Starved Rock, HBO2. “In 1960, three women are murdered in Starved Rock State Park in La Salle County, Ill., followed by the conviction and sentencing of Chester Weger, who seeks to clear his name after spending 60 years in prison.”
Women of Worth, NBC. “Camila Cabello, Helen Mirren, Eva Longoria and ‘other’ A-list stars celebrate the inspiring stories of 10 U.S.-based nonprofit leaders whose tenacity and courage are leading to meaningful change in addressing society’s most pressing issues.”
Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles, Bravo. 75 minutes. “The One with the 7 Foot Marilyn.” “Tracy tries to dance her way to a deal on the Skyline property. Altman aims to break Brentwood records with a property that has more bells and whistles than anyone could dream of.”
Station 19, ABC. “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” “It’s the holiday season and the firefighters have their hands full responding to a number of crises throughout Seattle. Putting aside their difference and personal drama, they come together to try and achieve a Christmas miracle.”
Music Box, HBO. “Juice WRLD: Into the Abyss.” “A collection of documentary films exploring pivotal moments in the music world.”
Movie Night!
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, AMC. Encore at 10:15 p.m.
The Patriot, BBC America.
A Lot Like Christmas, GACFSD.
A Royal Queens Christmas, Hallmark.
Christmas by Chance, Lifetime. Premiere.
Do You Trust Your Boyfriend?, Lifetime Movie Network. Premiere.
The Book of Eli, Cinemax.
Last Holiday, Showcase.
Queenpins, Showtime.
Ricky Powell: The Individualist, Showtime Extreme. Premiere.
Dance, Fools, Dance, TCM.
Mr. Brooks, The Movie Channel.
The Hollars, The Movie Channel Xtreme.
Beetlejuice, VH1.
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, 8:30 p.m., Freeform.
Disaster Movie, 8:30 p.m., HBO Family.
The Betrayed, 8:30 p.m., HBO Signature.
9 P.M.
MTV Unplugged: Tony Bennett & Lady Gaga, MTV.
Dolly Parton’s Coat of Many Colors, NBC. Rerun of the 2015 movie about her childhood in Tennessee.
Grey’s Anatomy, ABC. “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear.” “The doctors celebrate the holidays. Hamilton and Meredith prepare for a milestone on their project. Link wants to spend the holiday with Amelia and Scout as a family. Schmitt is faced with a difficult decision during surgery.”
Legacies, The CW. “I Can’t Be the One to Stop You.” “Hope finds herself involved in a game of cat and mouse as Lizzie sets out to make things right. Josie has a heart-to-heart with Finch. Alaric, Landon and Ted get a surprising result from their quest.”
Project Runway, 9:15 p.m., Bravo. 90 minutes. “The Last Straw.” “The designers are asked to create an elegant cocktail dress from an actual cocktail bar. One of fashion’s most exciting designers, Christopher John Rogers, is the judge on the guest list for this VIP party.”
Women’s College Volleyball, 9:30 p.m., ESPN. LIVE. The second semifinal of the NCAA tournament, with Pittsburgh vs. Nebraska.
Movie Night!
American Gangster, BET.
Jerry Maguire, StarzEncore.
Fifty Shades of Black, MoreMax.
Shrek, Nickelodeon.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Paramount.
12 Mighty Orphans, Starz. Premiere.
Double Jeopardy, 9:30 p.m., MTV2.
Stromboli, 9:30 p.m., TCM.
The Last Right, 9:30 p.m., The Movie Channel Xtreme.
Zack and Miri Make a Porno, 9:45 p.m., Sho2.
Terminator Genisys, 9:55 p.m., FXM.
View From the Top, 9:58 p.m., HBO Family.
Kingsman: The Golden Circle, 9:59 p.m., FX.
Twelve Monkeys, 9:59 p.m., Cinemax.
10 P.M.
Big Sky, ABC. “The End Has No End.” “Cassie confronts Tonya about working for Ren. Ronald revels in his newfound freedom, but old habits threaten to derail his plans. The kids receive advice from an unlikely source. Travis is finally honest with Jenny. Cassie gets devastating news.”
Johnny Carson, Irv Kupcinet, Sandy Duncan and Steve Mittleman are the guests on this Oct. 14, 1988 episode.
City Confidential, 10:02 p.m., A&E. “Trail of Terror.” “The murder of a vibrant 21-year-old leaves the peaceful community of Knoxville, Tenn. questioning its core values. A family’s persistence reminds Marble City what it’s made of and residents band together to bring a killer down.”
Movie Night!
A Christmas Miracle for Daisy, GACFSD.
Coyote Creek Christmas, Hallmark.
Her Boyfriend’s Deadly Secret, Lifetime Movie Network.
Last Call, Showcase.
The Bone Collector, The Movie Channel.
Someday at Christmas, 10 p.m., TV One.
Bad Santa, VH1.
My Favorite Christmas Melody, 10:03 p.m., Lifetime.
Taken 2, 10:10 p.m., HBO2.
xXx: Return of Xander Cage, 10:25 p.m., Syfy.
Welcome to Collinwood, 10:32 p.m., MoreMax.
LATE NIGHT TALK
Watch What Happens Live, 10:45 p.m., Bravo. Shannon Beador and Sherri Shepherd.
The Daily Show With Trevor Noah, 11 p.m., Comedy. French Economy and Finance Minister Bruno Le Maire.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, 11:34 p.m., NBC. Scarlett Johansson, Bowen Yang and Toni Cornell.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!, 11:35 p.m., ABC. Neil Patrick Harris, Daniel Ranieri and Elton John & Ed Sheeran.
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, 11:35 p.m., CBS. Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen.
The Late Late Show With James Corden, 12:37 a.m., CBS. Kristin Davis, Chloe Grace Moretz and BTS.
Late Night With Seth Meyers, 12:37 a.m., NBC. Priyanka Chopra Jonas and Kyle Mooney.
Nightline, 12:37 a.m., ABC.
LATE NIGHT PICK!
Cleopatra, 11:30 a.m., TCM.
Sources: Futon Critic, zap2it, individual show websites.
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