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"You see there little Shakespeares running around? You ever hear of Michelangelo Jr.? Paulie, the father of our country, George Washington, had no kids. Moses had no kids. You think the world is going to be a poorer place because you have not produced an heir? In my opinion, that is no reason to have kids, it's just pure ego. A child, Paulie, should be the product of a natural, organic love between two committed people. ... Now, please, can we watch the porno channel?"
-- I'm making Helen Hunt, John Pankow and Paul Reiser, in that order, share the crown for this batch. Each had at least one standout episode. Reiser and Pankow's chemistry together, as well as their individual acting chops, helped elevate material that could have been grating earlier in MAY's run.
-- We start with "Get Back," directed by David Steinberg and apparently written by committee. The story is credited to Seth Kurland & Ron Darian, while the teleplay is credited to Kenny Schwartz & Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri. Jamie and Paul were having sex on their living room floor and her back went out. Jamie knows that Paul wants to humblebrag about it. He's making amends by taking care of errands including picking up the translator for a dissident Chinese poet who's speaking at City Hall. Why Fran can't do this is anyone's guess. I guess since she's not in the episode, she might as well not exist.
-- Hunt, whom I've never really considered a physical comedienne, does well in this episode. I smiled at things like Jamie crawling her way through the apartment, perhaps because it was tempered with non-physical moments like Jamie trying to hide that she's eaten Maggie's imported cheesecake, discovering that Murray's mouse does exist, not being comfortable with the idea of nearly-a-nurse Nat helping her go to the bathroom, or Lisa forcing Jamie to say her childhood pledge to "Princess Lisa" so she can have a pillow to rest on. Paul, meanwhile, takes Burt to the eye doctor and ends up leaving him there. Burt, his eyes affected by the exam, wonders how the blind make it. Sylvia: "They have better children." Paul's heart was kinda in the right place, though: he went to a bakery in Little Italy to get chocolate-dipped strawberries for Jamie.
-- Paul and Ira end up missing the translator, who you'd think would have just gone to City Hall on his own. Earlier in the episode, it's also revealed that Mark apparently can translate the poetry. You'd think this would be leading up to Mark demonstrating his skill, right? No, the episode ends with Paul, of all people, "translating" for the poet. I smiled at a few moments, like Paul quoting "California Dreaming." "All the leaves are brown, and the skies are gray/as are the nipples" But really, "Back" was an episode not unlike a back spasm. Something fell out of alignment.
-- I liked "Dream Weaver," written by Billy Grundfest and directed by Thomas Schlamme, slightly better, even if it does become a How We Met Our Mabel episode. Before that becomes apparent, we have Paul and Jamie having nightmares about infidelity. First Paul dreams about throwing Alison onto a restaurant table and having sex with her in front of Jamie, then Jamie dreams about Paul telling Alison and Sid about the dream before having sex with Alison in front of her. And on Jamie's birthday, no less. Paul, who thinks his discomfort is caused by having ostrich for dinner, later has a nightmare that he's transformed into one. Jamie, who fails to get anywhere by having Paul do word association ("Hat." "Alabama."), has a sorta nice dream where she's married to Nat. Paul was a nice guy to be married to, Jamie says, but he just wouldn't stop and he wouldn't listen to her, either.
-- Paul and Jamie share the last dream, where they come home from a late night Maalox run to discover the Laugh-In dance party happening in their living room. Jo Anne Worley tells a chicken joke ("Paul Buchman only bawks at responsibility!"). Arte Johnson says it's verry interesting ... but Freudian. Gary Owens narrates from the kitchen. Henry Gibson recites a poem about ostriches being careful while having sex ("One false move, they'll break their necks"). Maggie gets socked to by Jamie*. Paul and Jamie, who've been Fruging between the jokes, yet again vow they're in it together. This time it's about not concealing their parenting fears. I'm with Murray, who "talks": "Enough with the baby."
*I first saw "Dream" before I knew who Judy Geeson was, so I assumed Judy Carne was making a cameo. After all, Judy was already name-dropped (Paul and Jamie each have a copy of her book).
-- Next up is "Hot and Cold," written by Kenny Schwartz & Danny Jacobson and directed by Schlamme. It's freezing in the Buchmans' bathroom and stifling in the kitchen. Mark, who takes Paul to an indoor driving range, feels hostile about Ira's relationship with Fran. Ira's been buying everyone gifts. It turns out he's fallen off the wagon and is gambling at a casino that's so underground, it operates on an upstairs floor. They serve amazing egg rolls (it helps that they don't skimp on the shrimp) but those are for players only. Speaking of players -- and should-be-dated behavior -- Lisa enjoys committing sexual harassment at work. She can do that because she's the boss.
-- Ira's winning streak immediately comes to an end. He owes $4,000, money he wants to borrow from Paul and Jamie. She doesn't want to give the money, citing the parable of giving a man a fish vs. teaching him to fish. The Buchmans have their own problems, stressing out about how Jamie's not yet pregnant. Anyway, Paul ends up not giving Ira the money. A few days pass and the Buchmans are worried that something has happened to Ira. They go to his apartment, where it turns out most of the photos are of them. Aww ...
-- Paul and Jamie go the casino. Ira's fine. In fact, he's winning again. Unlike the Buchmans, Ira's apparently smart enough to leave before the casino's raided by police officers. Paul and Jamie both blow their one phone call from jail. He checked their answering machine. She told Nat to take Murray out. They consider that they may be too dumb to have kids, as well as possibly conceiving in a cell.
-- Mabel's long introduction continues in "Fertility," directed by Gordon Hunt from a story by Liz Sagal & McNally Sagal and a teleplay by Larry Charles. They've been trying for four months and still no pregnancy. Other people are having babies, why not them? Not helping matters is that Paul's assignment is to film pandas at the zoo as they mate. The pandas, not surprisingly, are scared off by the cameras. Fran, in her lone appearance for the batch, suggests that Paul and Jamie have a romantic night at a hotel. Mark won't refer the Buchmans to a specialist (it's too soon to do so), but suggests a holistic approach. Yup, Paul and Jamie are going to eat yams (but not sweet potatoes), rub each other to improve spleen function and make a stew that improves fertility.
-- Paul and Jamie have never once mentioned adoption, which kinda pisses me off. To MAY's credit, it acknowledges some of the narcissism behind the conception obsession. Paul's worried that he and Ira will be the last Buchmans. If they're the last, Ira later says, then "it deserves to be all over." The stew ends up creating a pungent mess, sending Paul, Jamie and Murray to a hotel. Paul, then Jamie, attempt sneaking in Murray while a clerk (Patrick Bristow) prattles on about the hotel chain and over-pronounces "Buchman." While Jamie's asleep, Paul and Ira have their heart to heart. All's well that ends well, at least professionally. Paul gets to film the pandas, who were evidently relaxed enough not to care that he fell into their habitat. And Paul and Jamie are relaxed, too. They can't get it on, though, since Ira's still in the room and not actually asleep.
-- Finally, we have "Everybody Hates Me," the last episode directed by Schlamme. Written by Victor Levin, "Hates" also resolves a plot point introduced in "Back." Ira's dating Sophia (Fabiana Udenio), daughter of Giuseppe the baker (Pierrino Mascarino). Paul thinks she's out of his league. Sophia is just so, so beautiful. Back at the Buchmans, Jamie doesn't like the way she looks. Paul, the one who's convinced he's not liked, doesn't help his cause by starting to rave about Sophia's looks. Seriously, I have to hand it to Reiser for his performance in this scene. It was impressed by his acting as Paul gets revved up, then gradually becomes intimidated by Jamie and Debbie's curiosity. Every so often, MAY could use Paul Buchman's inability to stop already to great effect.
-- Waiting for Jamie to arrive for a double date, Paul reveals how Ira got the nickname "Splinky." Back in the day, someone gave Sylvia a bikini. She wouldn't wear it, but 5-year-old Ira tried it on. It was so big and/or transparent that everyone could see Ira's "Splinky." Ira is not at all pleased that Paul told the story. Jamie arrives. She's dyed her hair auburn. Paul not only loves it, he's greatly aroused. The Buchmans come home for a nearly seven-hour sex marathon. Meanwhile, Sophia's broken up with Ira. Paul goes to check on/cheer up Ira and Jamie learns that Nat thinks she didn't need to dye her hair. He's of the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" school and Jamie was very much not broken.
-- Over at Ira's, he and Paul get into a childish fight about who had the prettier girl and whether or not Paul deliberately sabotaged Ira and Sophia. This could have been very grating, but it works as well as it does because you know how absurd the situation is and it's funny to see Pankow and Reiser acting so physical. Back home, Jamie's now mad at Paul, blaming him for her ill-advised hair color switch. While drowning his sorrows with Mark, Paul learns that Mark once hated him, too. It was during the divorce, when Paul kept telling him how Fran was doing. Mark, as usual, helps Paul realize what's important.
-- Everything gets resolved. Jamie calms down Ira, who'd been drunkenly serenading Sophia from outside the bakery. Paul apologizes to Sophia for telling her the "Splinky" story, learning that she broke up with Ira because he wanted more of a relationship than she did. Paul lies to Ira, claiming it was his fault that Sophia broke up with him. Ira decides to switch to donuts and it's quickly apparent that he won't be heartbroken for much longer. And no matter what Jamie looks like, Paul will love her.
-- The Buchmans Go Broadway: You have to complete show tune lyrics to get into the casino. This includes "Give My Regards to Broadway," "If I Were a Rich Man" (said by a sleazy-looking man played by Andrew Gold) and "My Favorite Things." What, nothing from Guys and Dolls? ("Hot"). The decor at Riff's includes posters for Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and Sunday in the Park with George ("Hates").
-- Great Moments in Shilling: There's posters for Mary Reilly, Jumanji, Money Train, The Juror and Bottle Rocket outside the police station ("Hot"). Paul drinks from a Minute Maid juice box ("Fertility") but eats from a modified carton of Hungry Choice ice cream ("Hates").
-- Fun with Classic TV: "If you were Lassie, you'd get me a beer," Jamie tells Murray. Later, one of Nat's nicknames is "Murray Slaughter," which I think is a shoutout to the fact that Helen Hunt played Murray's daughter on an episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show ("Back"). Throwing out possibilities for Jamie's future appearance, Paul suggests "like a bald lady on Star Trek" ("Hates").
-- Different Times: If Lisa's casual attitude about sexual harassment isn't striking, how about Paul and Jamie's conversation about his wearing pajama pants as street clothes. He'll still be more respectable than his pants-sagging crew ("Fertility"). Also in "Fertility," Hollis has a new cell phone that's enormous by modern standards. On the other end of the spectrum, we have Paul, Jamie and Murray going out in public with their noses and mouths covered. They wore bandanas, not masks, but still ...
-- Not quite a blooper, but why does Jamie wear a black bra and white panties ("Hates")?
-- Continuity Corner: Jamie's birthday is now February 12 and she was age 6 when the moon landing occurred, which would make her 33 years old, as Helen Hunt turned on June 15, 1996 ("Dream"). Three episodes later, in "Hates," Jamie is 32 years old. Paul and Jamie complain about their building super being in Florida; they don't refer to "Mr. Wicker," so I'll assume the negligent guy isn't him ("Hot"). Paul still has sisters, not just Debbie and despite living in the city for years, Ira has never stayed in a fancy hotel ("Fertility").
-- Before the Credits: Jamie gets injured ("Back"). Paul can't open a stuck drawer ("Dream"). Did Burt like the birthday tie Jamie gave him? ("Hot"). Jamie catches Paul messily eating pudding ("Fertility"). Paul wants to throw out an asparagus teapot given by Jamie's cousin Sharon ("Hates").
-- Under the Credits: More of the "translation" ("Back"). The Buchmans say goodbye to their guests ("Dream"). Paul and Jamie feel a little cooler for having "done time" ("Hot"). The desk clerk is certain Murray is a German breed ("Fertility"). More of Ira's drunken serenade, culminating with his falling ("Hates").
-- Ratings Roundup: MAY tended to come in around eighth place during this batch, which spanned January-March 1996. NewsRadio was the show's new lead out and NBC aired events like the miniseries adaptation of Gulliver's Travels and the Golden Globes (Helen and the show lost to Cybill, Paul lost to Kelsey Grammer). Speaking of CBS, the network aired an episode of Murder, She Wrote in its usual spot (no doubt previewing that it would soon end its run back on Sundays) and after Almost Perfect ended its season, the 8:30 slot went to burning off Bonnie Hunt's sitcom.
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