What's On Tonight (Friday): Winning Gold Not The Only Way to Achieve Divinity...

     

Divinity

Olympics, oschmympics.  The last time I watched the Olympics was the summer of '84.  The only reason I watched was because my father had cancer, and we were trying to save money by running the a/c less.  So, we all gathered in the basement where it was cool and watched the Olympics, because that's what my parents wanted to watch and that's what good, God-fearing Americans did back then.

My parents aren't in charge of the TV anymore, I've never been much afraid of invisible super beings who live in the sky, and there's a lot more stuff now to watch than there was 40 years ago.  There's not much premiering today, so I'll probably finish up Hulu's Hit Monkey (great show, highly recommended) rather than dive into anything new. But I got to select a Top Pick, so I'm going with the streaming premiere of bizarro horror film, Divinity, on Shudder.  

Reviews are a little lacking (59% on RT), but films like this don't always get the love they deserve right out of the gate.  The cast includes Stephen Dorff, Scott Bakula and Bella Thorne, and it was produced by Stephen Soderbergh, so there's got to be something interesting going on here.

Then again, maybe it's crap.  If it is, there's always the Olympics.

TOP PICK

⭐🎥 Divinity (Shudder, 3:01 AM) STREAMING PREMIERE. 'Centers on two mysterious brothers, who abduct a mogul during his quest for immortality. Meanwhile, a seductive woman helps them launch a journey of self-discovery.'✔️

Elsewhere...

*Netflix is releasing the director's cuts of Rebel Moon Chapter One and Two.  I should have wanted to watch these films.  I actually liked the Snyder cut of Justice League.  And yet, something about these films just pushes me away.  

*You know what else pushes me away?  Any SpongeBob related show that insists on using crappy 3-D computer animation rather than the original 2-D that actually makes the show look unique even after all this time.  The makers of Saving Bikini Bottom The Sandy Cheeks Movie don't care for my animation tastes.  All the more reason for me to finish up Hit Monkey instead.  

*For some reason the Sandy Cheeks movie is on Netflix instead of Paramount+.  I know Paramount hasn't been doing that well but why sell off a movie spin off from one of your most valuable properties to your biggest competitor?  And by "competitor" I mean "the company so far ahead of you in market share that it wouldn't even know you exist except you keep unloading stuff on them."

PREMIERES

Cowboy Cartel

🤠 Cowboy Cartel (Apple, 12:01 AM) LIMITED SERIES. 'The unbelievable true story of unlikely hero Scott Lawson, a rookie FBI agent from rural Tennessee whose investigation took down the Treviño brothers, the leaders of Los Zetas, one of the most powerful cartels in Mexico.'✔️

🎥 Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes (Hulu, 12:01 AM) STREAMING PREMIERE. 'As a new tyrannical ape leader builds his empire, one young ape undertakes a harrowing journey that will cause him to question all that he has known about the past and to make choices that will define a future for apes and humans alike.'✔️

🎥 Modern Masters: SS Rajamouli (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'This engrossing documentary throws light on the roaring success of filmmaker S.S. Rajamouli with interviews from family and famous friends.'✔️

🎥 Jazz Ramsey: A K-9 Mystery (HMC, 9:00 PM) 'When Jazz Ramsey and her crime detection dog Zeus stumble upon an old crime scene, the K9 trainer, her star pup, and ex-boyfriend and lead detective Nick are thrown into the investigation. Starring Rachel Skarsten and Corey Sevier.'

RETURNING SHOWS

🚀 Star Wars: Young Jedi Adventures (Disney+, 3:01 AM) SEASON 2 (SHORTS)

🎥 Rebel Moon Chapter One: Chalice of Blood (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 

🎥 Rebel Moon Chapter Two: Curse of Forgiveness (Netflix, 3:01 AM)

🎥 Saving Bikini Bottom: The Sandy Cheeks Movie (Netflix, 3:01 AM)✔️

STREAMING

🔔 Betty La Fea: The Story Continues (Amazon, 3:01 AM) 

🍴 Jinny's Kitchen (Amazon, 12:01 AM) 

🔔 Lady in the Lake (Apple, 12:01 AM) "Innocence Leaves When You Discover Cruelty. First in Others, Then in Yourself."

🔔 El Encargado (Hulu, 12:01 AM) "A Second Chance" 

🔔 Code Geass: Rozé of the Recapture (Hulu, 3:01 AM) 

💖 Love Island (UK) (Hulu, 3:01 AM) 

💖 Too Hot to Handle (Netflix, 3:01 AM) SEASON FINALE. 

🎥 The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs (Shudder, 9:00 PM) 

OLYMPICS

via allwavingflags.com

NBC: 🤸‍♂️🏊‍♂️Gymnastics, Swimming (1:00 AM); 🏐Men's Beach Volleyball: Spain vs. US (9:00 AM); 🏃‍♂️Track and Field Heats: Women's 100m & More (NBC, 10:00 AM); 🏹Archery Mixed Team Final (10:40 AM); 🐴Equestrian Jumping: Team Final (11:15 AM); 🏀Women's Basketball 3x3: US vs Canada (12:00 PM); 🏀Men's Basketball 3x3: France vs. US (12:30 PM); 🏊‍♂️🏃‍♂️Swimming, Track and Field (1:00 PM); 🏐Beach Volleyball Pool Play (4:00 PM); 🏐Men's Volleyball: Japan vs. US (5:00 PM); 🏊‍♂️🏃‍♂️Swimming, Track and Field, Diving (8:00 PM); 🚴‍♀️🏀BMX racing, Basketball 3x3 (11:35 PM); 🏊‍♂️🏃‍♂️Swimming, Track and Field, Diving (1:00 AM)

E! 🏃‍♂️Track and Field Heats: Women's 100m & More (4:00 AM); 🔔Men's Handball: Argentina vs France (7:00 AM); 🐴Equestrian Jumping: Team Final (8:00 AM); 🔔Women's Trampoline Qualification & Final (10:15 AM); 🏃‍♂️Track and Field Finals: Men's 10,000m & More (12:00 PM); 🏀Men's Basketball: France vs Germany (3:50 PM); 🏀Men's Basketball 3x3: China vs US (4:45 PM); 🤺Fencing: men's Team Epee Bronze/Gold Finals (5:15 PM)

Golf: 🏌️‍♀️ Men's Golf Second Round: Part 1 (3:00 AM); Men's Golf Second Round: Part 2 (7:00 AM)

USA: 🏀Women's Basketball: Belgium vs. US (12:00 AM); 🏸Badminton Mixed Doubles Semifinals (2:00 AM); 🏐Women's Beach Volleyball: Lithuania vs. Japan (3:00 AM); 🔔Women's Shooting Rifle 3 Positions Final (4:00 AM); 🏀Men's Basketball 3x3: Poland vs. Netherlands (4:30 AM); 🏊‍♂️Swimming Heats: Men's 100m Fly & More (5:00 AM); 🏀Women's Basketball 3x3: US vs France (7:00 AM); 🏀Men's Basketball: Australia vs. Greece (USA, 7:30 AM); 🏹Archery Mixed Team: Semifinals (9:15 AM); 🏸Badminton Mixed Doubles Gold Final (10:10 AM); 🏐Women's Beach Volleyball: Brazil vs Netherlands (11:10 AM); 🏐Women's Beach Volleyball: France vs. Czechia (11:45 AM); 🤽‍♀️Women's Water Polo: Greece vs. Italy (12:00 PM); 🤽‍♀️Women's Water Polo: US vs France (12:30 PM); 🔔Slalom: Men's & Women's Kayak Cross Heats (1:45 PM); 🚣‍♀️Rowing Finals: Lightweight Sculls & More (2:15 PM); 🏐Men's Volleyball: Japan vs US (3:00 PM); 🚴‍♀️BMX Racing Finals (5:15 PM); 🏀Men's Basketball: Canada vs Spain (6:00 PM); 🔔Men's Trampoline Final (8:00 PM); 🤺Fencing: Men's Team Epee Bronze/Gold Finals (8:30 PM); 🐴Equestrian Jumping: Team Final (9:00 PM); 🏸Badminton Mixed Doubles Gold Final (10:00 PM); ⚽Men's Soccer: Morocco vs. US (11:00 PM); 🏐Men's Volleyball: Japan vs. US (1:00 AM)

There is coverage on MSNBC and CNBC too, but I have been unable to find their schedules.

LIVE NON-OLYMPICS SPORTSBALL TODAY/TONIGHT

🏌️‍♀️ PGA Korn Ferry Tour Golf: Utah Championship, Second Round (Golf, 4:00 PM)

🏌️‍♀️ LPGA Tour Golf: Portland Classic, Second Round (Golf, 6:00 PM)

⚾ MLB Baseball: Kansas City Royals at Detroit Tigers (Apple, 6:30 PM)

⚾ MLB Baseball: Milwaukee Brewers at Washington Nationals (Apple, 6:30 PM)

⚾ Baseball: The Party Animals at Savannah Bananas (ESPN, 7:00 PM)

🏈 Athletes Unlimited Pro Softball: Teams TBA (ESPNU, 7:30 PM)

🥊 One Fight Night 25 (Amazon, 8:00 PM)

⚽ 2024 NWSL x LIGA MX Femenil Summer Cup: NJ/NY Gotham FC vs. Guadalajara (CBSSN, 8:00 PM)

🌽 Cornhole: USA Forces Championship (ESPN2, 8:00 PM)

🥊 Professional Fighters League: Playoffs: Heavyweights & Women's Flyweights (Main Card) (ESPN, 9:00 PM)

⚽ 2024 NWSL x LIGA MX Femenil Summer Cup: Bay FC vs. América (CBSSN, 10:30 PM)

Modern Masters: SS Rajamouli 

🕗 MIDNIGHT 🕖

🔔 Iconic Justice (Fuse, 12:00 AM) 

🕗 EARLY PRIMETIME 🕖

🔔 Bunk'd: Learning the Ropes (Disney Channel, 7:00 PM) SERIES FINALE. 

🕗 8:00 EASTERN / 🕖 7:00 CENTRAL

🐍 The Serpent Queen (Starz, 8:00 PM) 'Charles is ready to make his own rules, rejecting his mother's influence; with a rebellion on the rise, a mysterious plan is set, but when loyalty can be so easily swayed…miracles can happen.'

💲 Lingo (CBS, 8:00 PM) 

🤼‍♂️ WWE's Friday Night Smackdown (Fox, 8:00 PM) 
👮‍♂️ After the First 48 (A&E, 8:00 PM)
🔔 The Very Very Best of the 80s (AXS, 8:00 PM) 
👮‍♂️ On Patrol: First Shift (Reelz, 8:00 PM) 
💖 Love After Lockup (WE, 8:00 PM) 

🕗 9:00 EASTERN / 🕖 8:00 CENTRAL

🔔 Down in the Valley (Starz, 9:00 PM) SEASON FINALE.  'Explore the culture of Black country life in the South at Smith Family Farms; learn what it takes to keep the land across generations and how it continues to be the center of culture for both the family and the region.'

🍴 Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives (Food, 9:00 PM) 'Guy Fieri grabs fistfuls of flavor at a California spot bringing next-level Mediterranean to the West Coast; a New Jersey bistro by the beach is slingin' herbaceous octopus, and an Indianapolis Argentine joint is firing up chimichurri chorizo.'

😂 Totally Funny Animals (CW, 9:00 PM) 
👮‍♂️ Cold Case Files (A&E, 9:00 PM)
💰Hoffman Family Gold (Discovery Channel, 9:00 PM) 
🎥 Jazz Ramsey: A K-9 Mystery (HMC, 9:00 PM) 
👮‍♂️ On Patrol: Live (Reelz, 9:00 PM) 
🔔 20/20 (ABC, 9:01 PM) 
😂 Totally Funny Kids (CW, 9:30 PM) 
🔔 The Braxtons (WE, 9:30 PM) 

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes

🕗 10:00 EASTERN / 🕖 9:00 CENTRAL

💀 Tell Me How I Died (A&E, 10:01 PM) 'A mother of three appears lying unconscious beneath her open, second story window, Medical Examiner Dr. Dragovic suspects there is more than meets the eye; was this really a deadly accident or something more sinister.'

💰 Hoffman Family Gold (Discovery Channel, 10:00 PM) 
🤼‍♂️ All Elite Wrestling: Rampage (TNT, 10:00 PM) 

LATE NIGHT

🔔 Jimmy Kimmel Live! (ABC, 11:35 PM) 'Kathryn Hahn guest hosts; actor Seth Rogen; actor Joe Locke; Cigarettes After Sex perform.'

🔔 After Midnight (CBS, 12:37 AM) 'Comic Marcella Arguello; actor Thomas Lennon; comic Sarah Tiana.'

🔔 The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (CBS, 11:35 PM) 

🔔 Nightline (ABC, 12:37 AM)

📺Broadcast/Cable/Satellite - RETRO BINGE📺

Law & Order (Pop, 6:00 AM - 8:00 PM); The Andy Griffith Show (Sundance, 6:00 AM - 1:00 PM); Futurama (Comedy Central, 7:00 AM - 10:00 AM); Roseanne (CMT, 9:00 AM - 12:00 PM); M*A*S*H* (TVLand, 9:00 AM - 11:00 AM); Living Single (TV One, 9:00 AM - 11:00 AM); South Park (Comedy Central, 10:00 AM - 2:00 PM); Hawaii Five-0 (Ion, 10:00 AM - 7:00 PM); Gunsmoke (TVLand, 12:00 PM - 4:00 PM); Seinfeld (Comedy Central, 2:00 PM - 6:00 PM); The Andy Griffith Show (TVLand, 4:00 PM - 7:00 PM); Family Ties (Antenna, 5:00 PM - 6:00 PM); Archie Bunker's Place (Antenna, 6:00 PM - 7:00 PM); The Office (Comedy Central, 6:00 PM - 11:00 PM); Three's Company (Antenna, 7:00 PM - 8:00 PM); Everybody Loves Raymond (TVLand, 7:00 PM - 11:00 PM); The Jeffersons (Antenna, 8:00 PM -9:00 PM); Barney Miller (Antennae, 9:00 PM - 10:00 PM); The King of Queens (TVLand, 11:00 PM - 2:00 AM); Designing Women (Antenna, 11:00 PM - 12:00 AM); Becker (Antenna, 12:00 AM - 1:00 AM); The Drew Carey Show (Antennae, 1:00 AM - 2:00 AM)

📺 Johnny Carson (Antenna, 10:00 PM) 'Actor-comic Robin Williams.'

Saving Bikini Bottom: The Sandy Cheeks Movie

Key Sources: The Futon Critic; Zap2it; Netflix; Wikipedia; Horrornews.net; Sysfy.com; hollywoodreporter.com

⭐: Top Pick
💲: Game show
🎥: Movie
📺: Throwback
✔️: Video/gif/photo included