What's On Tonight (Friday): They Picked the Wrong Damsel to Distress...

     

Damsel

Today is a little light on the premieres, but the lack of quantity is being made up for by the quality of the offerings.  At least, that's the hope.  Leading the way is today's Top Pick: Damsel starring Millie Bobby Brown.  Directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo (28 Weeks Later, Intruders), the film features a stacked supporting case with Ray Winstone, Angela Basset and Robin Wright as the evil queen.  

The film is about a Princess who believes she is marrying a prince only to find she is the latest in a long line of young women sacrificed to a dragon.  The lead character must find a way to survive a situation that no one ever has and put a stop to the barbarism.  I'm assuming she'll succeed just fine, but never underestimate Robin Wright.  Anyone who was married ti Sean Penn for several years is not someone to be trifled with.

TOP PICK

⭐🎥 Damsel (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'A dutiful damsel agrees to marry a handsome prince, only to find the royal family has recruited her as a sacrifice to repay an ancient debt. Thrown into a cave with a fire-breathing dragon, she must rely on her wits and will to survive.'

Elsewhere...

*Max has the streaming premiere of Wonka.  I watched the trailer for the first time in preparation for today's WOT and I found it thoroughly charming.  That should be expected considering it was directed by Paul King, who helmed the two most charming movies in recent memory: Paddington and Paddington 2.  I'm not necessarily big on musicals, but I'll give this one a shot.

*One streamer that doesn't give a fuck about charm, outside of the kind used by witches, is Shudder, which debuts the incredibly titled Satanic Hispanics.  I'm not big on horror, especially the visceral kind, but I do like horror anthologies.  It doesn't hurt that it's currently sitting at 91% Fresh at Rotten Tomatoes.  Alas, I do not have Shudder, but man do they make me wish I liked horror films.

*Roku has the directing debut of Brooklyn 99's Chelsea Peretti with First Time Director.  The film has something of a Waiting for Guffman vibe.  Peretti stars as a woman who finds herself selected to direct her local community theater production and having to deal with all the bullshit that sort of job entails.  Andy Richter and Amy Poehler show up in supporting roles, but reviews have not been kind.  Oh well, they can't all be winners.

PREMIERES

Wonka

🎥 Wonka (Max, 3:01 AM) STREAMING PREMIERE. 'Tells the wondrous story of how the world's greatest inventor, magician and chocolate-maker became the beloved Willy Wonka we know today.'

🎥 Satanic Hispanics (Shudder, 3:01 AM) 'When police raid a house in El Paso, they find it full of dead Latinos, and only one survivor. He's known as The Traveler, and when they take him to the station for questioning, he tells them those lands are full of magic and talks about the horrors he's encountered in his long time on this earth.'

🔔 First Time Female Director (Roku, 8:00 PM) SPECIAL PRESENTATION. 'Set in a local theater in Glendale, California. Sam, a newly minted female director struggles to fill the shoes of her male predecessor, putting her Southern rural drama in jeopardy. Sam experiences real life drama as she struggles to wrangle her unimpressed cast of local actors.  Directed by Chelsea Peretti.'

🔔 Boarders (Tubi, 3:01 AM) SERIES PREMIERE. 'Written by BAFTA-nominated screenwriter Daniel Lawrence Taylor, the series follows the lives of five talented Black teenagers from inner-city London as they navigate life at an elite boarding school.'

RETURNING SHOWS

🔔 The Reluctant Traveler (Apple, 12:01 AM) SEASON TWO PREMIERE.

🐻 Care Bears: Unlock the Magic (Max, 3:01 AM) SPECIAL PRESENTATION.

🔔 Tiny Toons Looniversity (Max, 3:01 AM) SEASON 2A

🔔 Tiny Toons Looniversity: Spring Break (Max, 3:01 AM) SPECIAL PRESENTATION.

🔔 Blown Away (Canada) (Netflix, 3:01 AM) SEASON FOUR.

🔔 The Traitors UK (Peacock, 3:01 AM) SEASON TWO.

🔔 Shorts Spectacular - Hailey Banks' Disney Mini Movie Marathon (Disney & Disney XD, 7:30 PM) SPECIAL PRESENTATION.

💰 Gold Rush: White Water (Discovery Channel & Max, 8:00 PM) SEASON EIGHT PREMIERE.

First Time Female Director

STREAMING

🔔 Apartment 404 (Amazon, 12:01 AM) 

🔔 The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin (Apple, 12:01 AM) "Run Wilde" 

🏈 The Dynasty: New England Patriots (Apple, 12:01 AM) "Under Pressure / Score to Settle" 

✈ Masters of the Air (Apple, 12:01 AM) "Part Eight" 

⚖ Judy Justice (Freevee, 12:01 AM) 

🔔 Who's Talking to Chris Wallace (Max, 3:01 AM)

👮‍♂️ Flex X Cop (Hulu, 9:31 AM) 

🔔 Undead Unluck (Hulu, 2:01 PM) 

LIVE SPORTSBALL TODAY/TONIGHT

🏌️‍♂️ PGA Tour Golf: Puerto Rico Open, Second Round (Golf, 10:00 AM)

🏎 Formula 1 Racing: Saudi Arabian Grand Prix, Qualifying (ESPN2, 11:55 AM)

🏌️‍♂️ PGA Tour Golf: Arnold Palmer Invitational, Second Round (Golf, 2:00 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: Akron at Western Michigan (CBSSN, 6:00 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: VCU at Dayton (ESPN2, 7:00 PM)

🏌️‍♂️ PGA Tour Champions Golf: Cologuard Classic, First Round (Golf, 7:00 PM)

🏀 NBA Basketball: Minnesota Timberwolves at Cleveland Cavaliers (ESPN, 7:30 PM)

🥊 One Fight Night 20 (Amazon, 8:00 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: Kent State at Toledo (CBSSN, 8:00 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: OVC Tournament: TBA vs. Arkansas-Little Rock (ESPNU, 8:00 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: Wichita State at Tulane (ESPN2, 9:00 PM)

🏒 College HockeyL Denver at Colorado College (CBSSN, 10:00 PM)

🏀 NBA Basketball: Milwaukee Bucks at Los Angeles Lakers (ESPN, 10:05 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: OVC Tournament: TBA vs. UT-Martin (ESPNU, 10:30 PM)

🏌️‍♀️ LPGA Tour Golf: Blue Bay LPGA, Third Round (Golf, 12:00 AM)

The Reluctant Traveler

🕗 MIDNIGHT 🕗

🔔 Royal Crackers (Adult Swim, 12:00 AM) 'Stebe's bad dreams lead him and Theo on a mission to discover secrets about their father's dark past.'

🕗 EARLY PRIMETIME 🕗

🔔 Shorts Spectacular - Hailey Banks' Disney Mini Movie Marathon (Disney & Disney XD, 7:30 PM) 

🕗 8:00 EASTERN / 🕖 7:00 CENTRAL

🦈 Shark Tank (ABC, 8:00 PM) 'A robotic personal chef for the home; an easy-to-install dual showerhead; premium chocolate birthday candles; a nursing cover with a built-in fan.'

👮‍♂️ S.W.A.T. (CBS, 8:00 PM) 'A Chilean arms dealer kidnaps a woman and her daughter; crossing paths with his brother, Tan is forced to come clean to his family about his divorce from Bonnie; Hondo discovers that Hicks has received a job offer that could lure him away.'

🔔 RuPaul's Drag Race (MTV, 8:00 PM) 'The queens let their voices be heard in an inspirational political anthem, and exercise their right to shake their groove thing. Choreographer Jamal Sims (Aladdin) guest judges.'

🤼‍♂️ WWE's Friday Night Smackdown (Fox, 8:00 PM) 
💰 Gold Rush: White Water (Discovery Channel, 8:00 PM) 
💖 Ready to Love (OWN, 8:00 PM) 
👮‍♂️ On Patrol: First Shift (Reelz, 8:00 PM) 
🔔 BMF (Starz, 8:01 PM) 

🕗 9:00 EASTERN / 🕖 8:00 CENTRAL

👮‍♂️ S.W.A.T. (CBS, 9:00 PM) 'Street discovers a biker club has stolen a cache of armor-piercing bullets and they intend to pull off a daring and deadly heist; Hondo struggles with changes at work; Nichelle finds herself at odds with a former colleague.'

👽 Ancient Aliens (History, 9:00 PM) 'For thousands of years, Scotland has been an epicenter of otherworldly phenomena; it is home to mysterious ancient stone circles, stories of strange beings, and is a major hotspot for UFO sightings.'

🔔 Hightown (Starz, 9:00 PM) SERIES FINALE. 'The case is coming to a close; Ray and Renee are backed against the wall and must make a deal with the devil; Shane's all-business approach brings sworn enemies together and a chance meeting helps Jackie pick a side in the coming battle.'

😂 Totally Funny Animals (CW, 9:00 PM) 
💀 Dateline NBC (NBC, 9:00 PM) 
🍴 Diners, Drive-ins & Dives (Food, 9:00 PM) 
🚗 Wheeler Dealers (Motortrend, 9:00 PM) 
👮‍♂️ On Patrol: Live (Reelz, 9:00 PM) 
🤮 Mama June: From Not to Hot (WE, 9:00 PM) 
🔔 20/20 (ABC, 9:01 PM) 
😂 Totally Funny Kids (CW, 9:30 PM) 
🔔 RuPaul's Drag Race: Untucked (MTV, 9:30 PM) 

Boarders

🕗 10:00 EASTERN / 🕖 9:00 CENTRAL

👽 The Proof is Out There (History, 10:03 PM) 'A look at what the odd, worm-like object seen in the sky in a video tweeted by a Proof viewer is.'

🔔 Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO, 10:00 PM) 
🚗 Graveyard Carz (Motortrend, 10:00 PM) 
🔔 Ridiculousness (MTV, 10:00 PM) 
🤼‍♂️ All Elite Wrestling: Rampage (TNT, 10:00 PM) 

LATE NIGHT

🔔 The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon (NBC, 11:34 PM) 'Model Naomi Campbell; Kneecap performs.'

🔔 After Midnight (CBS, 12:37 AM) 'Actress Riki Lindhome; actor Rob Huebel; actor Vinny Thomas.'

🔔 The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (CBS, 11:35 PM) 
🔔 Jimmy Kimmel Live! (ABC, 12:05 PM) 
🔔 Late Night with Seth Myers (NBC, 12:35 PM) 
🔔 Nightline (ABC, 12:37 AM)

📺Broadcast/Cable/Satellite - RETRO BINGE📺

The Andy Griffith Show (Sundance, 6:00 AM - 1:00 PM); Law & Order (Pop, 6:00 AM - 8:00 PM); Futurama (Comedy Central, 7:00 AM - 10:10 AM); Roseanne (CMT, 9:00 AM - 12:00 PM); M*A*S*H* (TVLand, 9:00 AM - 11:00 AM); Hawaii Five-0 (Ion, 10:00 AM - 7:00 PM); South Park (Comedy Central, 10:10 AM - 2:00 PM); Gunsmoke (TVLand, 12:00 PM - 4:00 PM); Seinfeld (Comedy Central, 2:00 PM - 4:30 PM); The Andy Griffith Show (TVLand, 4:00 PM - 7:00 PM); Family Ties (Antenna, 5:00 PM - 6:00 PM); Archie Bunker's Place (Antenna, 6:00 PM - 7:00 PM); The Office (Comedy Central, 4:30 PM - 11:00 PM); Three's Company (Antenna, 7:00 PM - 8:00 PM); Everybody Loves Raymond (TVLand, 7:00 PM - 11:00 PM); The Jeffersons (Antenna, 8:00 PM -9:00 PM); Barney Miller (Antennae, 9:00 PM - 10:00 PM); The King of Queens (TVLand, 11:00 PM - 2:00 AM); Designing Women (Antenna, 11:00 PM - 12:00 AM); Becker (Antenna, 12:00 AM - 1:00 AM); The Drew Carey Show (Antennae, 1:00 AM - 2:00 AM); Alice (Antenna, 2:00 AM - 3:00 AM); Mom (TVLand, 2:00 AM - 4:15 AM)

📺 Johnny Carson (Antenna, 10:00 PM) 'Actor Robert Blake; model Christie Brinkley; The Mighty Carson Art Players.'

Satanic Hispanics

Key Sources: The Futon Critic; Zap2it; Netflix; Wikipedia; Horrornews.net; Sysfy.com; hollywoodreporter.com

⭐: Top Pick
💲: Game show
🎥: Movie
📺: Throwback
✔️: Video/gif/photo included