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The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin

It's not raining today folks: it's goddamn pouring.  Before we get to the rest, let's start with the (fingers crossed) best.  Today's Top Pick is the Apple+ series The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turbin starring Noel Fielding.  I primarily know Fielding from The Great British Baking Show and The IT Crowd, but British audiences know him from a lot of other stuff including The Mighty Boosh.  

Fielding plays Dick Turpin, who was a real highwayman whose exploits became heavily mythologized after his execution.  Turpin was actually pretty terrible at being a highwayman and a criminal in general. His gang members weren't all that smart either and were often arrested while he escaped.  This series is a mix of Monty Python (I got big Robin Hood in Time Bandits vibes from the trailer) mixed with Our Flag Means Death and I am here for it.

And yes, I know Time Bandits is not a Monty Python film, but it's Monty Python adjacent.

TOP PICK

⭐🔔 The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin (Apple, 12:01 AM) SERIES PREMIERE. 'In this irreverent retelling set in the 18th century, Turpin is the most famous but least likely of highway robbers, whose success is defined mostly by his charm, showmanship and great hair. Together with his gang of lovable rogues, Turpin rides the highs and lows of his new endeavors, including a brush with celebrity, all whilst trying to escape the clutches of the thief-taker.'

Elsewhere...

*Amongst the runners up for Top Pick, Netflix has the new Adam Sandler flick Spaceman.  The film features Sandler in serious actor mode playing an astronaut on a deep space mission who might be losing his mind from missing his wife (Carey Mulligan) and family.  The film is directed by Johan Renck, whose main claim to fame was directing several episodes of Chernobyl.  Reviews have been a bit middling but I'm always up for some thoughtful SciFi (and Chernobyl was tight as fuck).

*In addition to Dick Turpin, Apple also has the streaming release of Ridley Scott's Napoleon.  Between this and Killers of the Flower Moon, Apple took quite a bath last year on pricey prestige films.  There's a reckoning coming for all these streaming services.  Spending $200 million on 2-3 hours worth of content, regardless of how good that content is, is NOT a sustainable business model.  

*A surprising contender for Top Pick was the new French Netflix series, Furies.  A young woman becomes involved with the Parisian underworld when attempting to avenge her father's death.  She is taken under the wing of Fury, a sort of sheriff who keeps the different crime families from having an outright war.  The trailer is fun and gives off a very La Femme Nikita feeling.  

*Not in the running for Top Pick today is the awful looking Peacock animated sequel, Megamind vs the Doom Syndicate.  Not surprisingly, none of the original voice cast returned for either project.  Peacock is also debuting a new series about the Dreamworks reformed supervillain, which makes sense because the film animation looks cheap even by TV standards.  I didn't watch the trailer for the series, but I'm assuming if anything it's worse.

PREMIERES

Dead Hot

🔥 Dead Hot (Amazon, 12:01 AM) SEASON ONE. 'Set in present-day Liverpool, twentysomethings Elliot and Jess are best friends united by a bond of grief at losing Peter - the first and only love of Elliot and Jess' twin brother. It's been five years since Peter went missing in mysterious circumstances, and still reeling from the trauma, the best friends spiral into a hedonistic lifestyle, partying to numb their grief while clinging to a small hope that they will one day find out what happened.'

🎥 Napoleon (Apple, 12:01 AM) STREAMING PREMIERE. 'Captures Bonaparte's relentless journey to power through the prism of his addictive, volatile relationship with his one true love, Josephine, showcasing his visionary military and political tactics against some of the most dynamic practical battle sequences ever filmed.'

🔔 Murder is Easy (BritBox, 3:01 AM) SPECIAL PRESENTATION. 'Follows Luke Fitzwilliam, as he finds himself on the trail of a serial killer after meeting Miss Pinkerton on a train to London. Now Fitzwilliam has to find the killer before any more blood will be shed.  Based on the novel by Agathe Christie.'

🌎 Wonderful World (Disney+, 3:01 AM) SERIES PREMIERE. 'Revenge drama which tells the story of Eun Soo-hyun, a successful female professor of psychology and writer whose life unravels after her son is murdered; driven to despair, Soo-hyun becomes consumed by revenge.'

🔔 Anikulapo: Rise of the Spectre (Netflix, 3:01 AM) SEASON ONE. 'In a race against time to avoid a dismal fate, traveler Saro returns to Ojumo with orders to complete a nearly impossible task.'

🔔 Furies (Netflix, 3:01 AM) SEASON ONE. 'Seeking to avenge her father's death, a young woman becomes entangled in the web of the Fury, the peacekeeper of the Paris criminal underworld.'

🔔 Maamla Legal Hai (Netflix, 3:01 AM) SEASON ONE. 'Chaos collides with the letter of the law at District Court Patparganj, where quirky employees work to uphold justice — but not without a few objections.'

🎥 My Name is Loh Kiwan (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'After defecting from North Korea, Loh Kiwan struggles to obtain refugee status in Belgium, where he encounters a dejected woman who has lost all hope.'

🎥 Spaceman (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'Six months into a solitary research mission to the edge of the solar system, an astronaut, Jakub, realizes that the marriage he left behind might not be waiting for him when he returns to Earth. Desperate to fix things with his wife, Lenka, he is helped by a mysterious creature from the beginning of time he finds hiding in the bowels of his ship.  Starring Adam Sandler, Carey Mulligan and Paul Dano.'

🎥 You Are Not Alone: Fighting the Wolf Pack (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'Through key testimonies, this documentary looks at a gang rape that took place during the 2016 San Fermín festival and sparked protests worldwide.'

🦸‍♂️ Megamind Rules! (Peacock, 3:01 AM) SEASON ONE. 'Megamind goes from being a supervillain and the scourge of Metro City to a superhero who's learning on the job.'

🎥 Megamind vs. the Doom Syndicate (Peacock, 3:01 AM) 'Megamind’s former villain team, The Doom Syndicate, has returned. Our newly crowned blue hero must now keep up evil appearances until he can assemble his friends (Roxanne, Ol’ Chum, and Keiko) to stop his former evil teammates from launching Metro City to the moon.'

🔔 Side Hustlers (Roku, 3:01 AM) SEASON ONE. 'With guidance and mentorship from powerhouse investors Emma Grede and Ashley Graham, ambitious female entrepreneurs develop their side hustles in the hopes of quitting their day jobs to pursue their dream careers full time.'

Spaceman

RETURNING SHOWS

🔔 Royal Crackers (Adult Swim, 12:00 AM) SEASON TWO PREMIERE.

🏠 Selling the Hamptons (Max, 3:01 AM) SEASON TWO PREMIERE.

🔔 Blood & Water (Netflix, 3:01 AM) SEASON FOUR.

🍴 Somebody Feed Phil (Netflix, 3:01 AM) SEASON SEVEN.

🔔 BMF (Starz, 8:01 PM) SEASON THREE PREMIERE.

🍴 Diners, Drive-ins & Dives (Food, 9:00 PM) SEASON THIRTY-NINE PREMIERE.

 STREAMING

🔔 Apartment 404 (Amazon, 12:01 AM) 

🏈 The Dynasty: New England Patriots (Apple, 12:01 AM) "Torn / At All Costs" 

✈ Masters of the Air (Apple, 12:01 AM) "Part Seven" 

⚖ Judy Justice (Freevee, 12:01 AM) 

🔔 Who's Talking to Chris Wallace (Max, 3:01 AM) 

👮‍♂️ Flex X Cop (Hulu, 9:31 AM) 

🔔 Undead Unluck (Hulu, 2:01 PM) 

👮‍♂️ Cops (Fox Nation, 6:00 PM) 

Furies

LIVE SPORTSBALL TODAY/TONIGHT

🏌️‍♂️ PGA Tour Golf: Cognizant Classic, Second Round (Golf, 2:00 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: Bowling Green at Ohio (CBSSN, 6:00 PM)

🤸‍♂️ Women's College Gymnastics: Alabama at LSU (ESPN2, 6:00 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: Fairfield at Marist (ESPNU, 7:00 PM)

🏀 NBA Basketball: Dallas Mavericks at Boston Celtics (ESPN, 7:30 PM) 

🤸‍♂️ Women's College Gymnastics: Michigan at Oklahoma (ESPN2, 7:30 PM)

🏒 College Hockey: Western Michigan at North Dakota (CBSSN, 8:00 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: Dayton at Loyola-Chicago (ESPN2, 9:00 PM)

🏌️‍♀️ LPGA Tour Golf: HSBC Women's World Championship, Third Round (Golf, 9:30 PM)

🏀 NBA Basketball: Milwaukee Bucks at Chicago Bulls (ESPN, 10:00 PM) 

🥍 NLL Lacrosse: Toronto Rock at Las Vegas Desert Dogs (ESPNU, 10:00 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: Fresno State at Nevada (CBSSN, 10:30 PM)

Murder is Easy

🕗 MIDNIGHT 🕗

🔔 Royal Crackers (Adult Swim, 12:00 AM) 'When Royal Crackers gets removed from school lunch for a healthier alternative, it polarizes the town. Battle lines are drawn, and the Hornsbys find themselves fighting a war they don't know if they can win.'

🕗 8:00 EASTERN / 🕖 7:00 CENTRAL

🦈 Shark Tank (ABC, 8:00 PM) 'A vegan marshmallow creme; a non-invasive digital pet thermometer; a drawing app that utilizes augmented reality; a line of Filipino American sauces and condiments.'

👮‍♂️ S.W.A.T. (CBS, 8:00 PM) 'The squad leaps into action when Yakuza assassins descend on L.A., targeting a number of mysterious Japanese ex-pats; Nichelle finds her job on the line when a colleague accuses her of taking bribes.'

🔔 Penn & Teller: Fool Us (CW, 8:00 PM) 'Featured magicians include Jacob Schenström, Ondřej Pšenička, John Lewit and Chris Capeheart.'

🔔 RuPaul's Drag Race (MTV, 8:00 PM) 'Morticia meets Mugler as the queens create a Neo-Goth look from scratch, using only black, white and gray fabric; model and actress Kaia Gerber guest judges.'

🤼‍♂️ WWE's Friday Night Smackdown (Fox, 8:00 PM) 
💰 Gold Rush (Discovery, 8:00 PM) SEASON FINALE. 
💖 Ready to Love (OWN, 8:00 PM) 
👮‍♂️ On Patrol: First Shift (Reelz, 8:00 PM) 
🔔 BMF (Starz, 8:01 PM) 

Napoleon

🕗 9:00 EASTERN / 🕖 8:00 CENTRAL

🔥 Fire Country (CBS, 9:00 PM) 'When a family refuses to evacuate their property during a massive wildfire that is escalating quickly, Jake is faced with a heartbreaking decision.'

👽 Ancient Aliens (History, 9:00 PM) 'Along the Earth's north 37th parallel there have been so many reports of unidentified flying objects, animal mutilations, and other mysterious events that it has been dubbed The UFO Superhighway.'

🔔 Hightown (Starz, 9:00 PM) 'Owen is more dangerous than ever and he's taking Sarah; Jackie closes in on the prostitutes' killer; Charmaine and Osito resume their partnership.'

😂 Totally Funny Animals (CW, 9:00 PM) 
💀 Dateline NBC (NBC, 9:00 PM) 
🍴 Diners, Drive-ins & Dives (Food, 9:00 PM) 
🚗 Wheeler Dealers (Motortrend, 9:00 PM) 
👮‍♂️ On Patrol: Live (Reelz, 9:00 PM) 
🤮 Mama June: From Not to Hot (WE, 9:00 PM) 
🔔 20/20 (ABC, 9:01 PM) 
😂 Totally Funny Kids (CW, 9:30 PM) 
🔔 RuPaul's Drag Race: Untucked (MTV, 9:30 PM) 

🕗 10:00 EASTERN / 🕖 9:00 CENTRAL

👮‍♂️ Blue Bloods (CBS, 10:00 PM) 'Frank grapples with the personal loss of his best friend and how best to help Tess Ross, the daughter of his best friend, when she lands in jail; Jaime and his nephew, Joe Hill, race against the clock to reunite a trafficking victim with her sister.'

🎵 CMT Campfire Sessions (CMT, 10:00 PM) SEASON FINALE. 'Priscilla Block, Darius Rucker, NEEDTOBREATHE, and more join around the campfire for a full slate of classic country covers with fan favorites like, Midnight Rider, Cowboy Take Me Away and Here's a Quarter.'

💰 Gold Rusk: White Water (Discovery, 10:00 PM) 
🔔 Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO, 10:00 PM) 
🚗 Graveyard Carz (Motortrend, 10:00 PM) 
🔔 Ridiculousness (MTV, 10:00 PM) 
🤼‍♂️ All Elite Wrestling: Rampage (TNT, 10:00 PM) 
👽 The Proof is Out There (History, 10:03 PM) 

Megamind vs. The Doom Sybdicate

LATE NIGHT

🔔 The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon (NBC, 11:34 PM) 'Actor Dave Bautista; actor Jesse Tyler Ferguson; comic Esther Povitsky.'

🔔 After Midnight (CBS, 12:37 AM) 'Comic Billy Eichner; actor Nico Santos; comic Pete Holmes.'

🤼‍♂️ All Elite Wrestling: Rampage (TNT, 11:00 PM) 
🔔 The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (CBS, 11:35 PM) 
🔔 Jimmy Kimmel Live! (ABC, 12:05 PM) 
🔔 Late Night with Seth Myers (NBC, 12:35 PM) 
🔔 Nightline (ABC, 12:37 AM)

📺Broadcast/Cable/Satellite - RETRO BINGE📺

The Andy Griffith Show (Sundance, 6:00 AM - 1:00 PM); Law & Order (Pop, 6:00 AM - 8:00 PM); Futurama (Comedy Central, 7:00 AM - 10:10 AM); Roseanne (CMT, 9:00 AM - 12:00 PM); M*A*S*H* (TVLand, 9:00 AM - 11:00 AM); Living Single (TVOne, 9:00 AM - 12:00 PM); Hawaii Five-0 (Ion, 10:00 AM - 7:00 PM); South Park (Comedy Central, 10:10 AM - 2:00 PM); Gunsmoke (TVLand, 12:00 PM - 4:00 PM); Seinfeld (Comedy Central, 2:00 PM - 6:00 PM); The Andy Griffith Show (TVLand, 4:00 PM - 7:00 PM); Family Ties (Antenna, 5:00 PM - 6:00 PM); Archie Bunker's Place (Antenna, 6:00 PM - 7:00 PM); The Office (Comedy Central, 6:00 PM - 12:00 AM); Three's Company (Antenna, 7:00 PM - 8:00 PM); Everybody Loves Raymond (TVLand, 7:00 PM - 11:00 PM); The Jeffersons (Antenna, 8:00 PM -9:00 PM); Barney Miller (Antennae, 9:00 PM - 10:00 PM); The King of Queens (TVLand, 11:00 PM - 2:00 AM); Designing Women (Antenna, 11:00 PM - 12:00 AM); Becker (Antenna, 12:00 AM - 1:00 AM); The Drew Carey Show (Antennae, 1:00 AM - 2:00 AM); Alice (Antenna, 2:00 AM - 3:00 AM); Mom (TVLand, 2:00 AM - 4:15 AM)

📺 Johnny Carson (Antenna, 10:00 PM) 'Actor Christopher Reeve; comic Dana Carvey; comic Frank Olivier.'

Maamla Legal Hai

Key Sources: The Futon Critic; Zap2it; Netflix; Wikipedia; Horrornews.net; Sysfy.com; hollywoodreporter.com

⭐: Top Pick
💲: Game show
🎥: Movie
📺: Throwback
✔️: Video/gif/photo included