What's On Tonight (Friday): MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU WONDERFUL OLD SLASHER FLICK!

   

It's a Wonderful Knife

I went into today assuming Candy Cane Lane would be Top Pick.  It has Eddie Murphy, Jillian Bell and a bunch of other actors I like.  The problem is "family comedy" Eddie Murphy has never been my favorite Eddie Murphy (other than The Nutty Professor).  The trailer, which I didn't laugh once at, makes it look like another run-of-the-mill special effects orgy (and I usually like special effects orgies!) with Eddie Murphy mugging opposite all manner of tennis balls and green screens.  No thanks.

Therefore, I am going with another Christmas film for today's Top Pick: the slasher comedy It's a Wonderful Knife.  If ever there was a film where someone came up with the title first and worked backwards from there, this is that film.  And you know what?  I'm here for it.  Or at least I would be if I had Shudder.  Let's just say I'm here in spirit.  Tis the season for it.

TOP PICK

⭐🎄🎥 It's a Wonderful Knife (Shudder, 3:01 AM) 'A year after saving her town from a psychotic killer on Christmas Eve, Winnie Carruthers' life is less than wonderful -- but when she wishes she'd never been born, she finds herself in a nightmare parallel universe and discovers that without her, things could be much, much worse.'

Elsewhere...

*I never sat down and watched Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.  Old Indiana Jones just doesn't interest me.  Now Disney+ has Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny.  Older Indiana Jones doesn't interest me either.  Actually, that's not quite true.  It's less that it doesn't interest me so much as it actively repels me.  Someday I might be able to make peace with Indiana's mortality.  Today is not that day.

*Disney also has a new short film called The Shepherd, which was produced by and features John Travolta.  In the film Travolta is a pilot who was lost flying a bombing run during World War 2.  Years later his son is flying above the North Sea when he becomes lost.  At that point it basically becomes an episode of Amazing Stories.  The most "amazing" part of this story is why the air force allowed a 69-year-old Travolta to pilot a bomber during World War 2.  

*Not to be outdone by Disney, Peacock has the streaming premiere of The Exorcist: Believer.  Did I write they were not to be outdone by Disney?  What I meant was, there were totally outdone by Disney.  Who even wants to watch a horror film in December unless it's Top Pick?  Sickos, that's who

*Netflix has a new film with Natalie Portman and Juliane Moore called May December.  Before you get excited, Portman is neither of the months in this particular scenario.  Juliane Moore plays a character who was thrown in jail when she was 36 for committing statutory rape with a 7th grader.  Years later she is married to her former victim.  Portman plays a famous actress who is studying Moore to play her in a film.  From what I can tell from the trailer, it gets weirder from there.  It's directed by Todd Haynes so it could be worth checking out.

*We got twelve new Christmas-related movies and specials premiering today.  Fa-la-la-la-la.

PREMIERES

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

🎥 Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (Disney+, 3:01 AM) 'Daredevil archaeologist Indiana Jones races against time to retrieve a legendary dial that can change the course of history. Accompanied by his goddaughter, he soon finds himself squaring off against Jürgen Voller, a former Nazi who works for NASA.'

🎥 Timeless Heroes (Disney+, 3:01 AM) 'Explores Harrison Ford's enduring appeal and his upbringing, including his foray into the entertainment business, his casting in the iconic "Indiana Jones" franchise, and the impact and inspiration generated by the films.'

🎥 May December (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'Decades after their scandalous relationship made headlines, a couple starts to unravel when a famous actor arrives to research them for her new film.'

🎥 Women on the Edge (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'After meeting in an anger-control group, two women set out to expose a sketchy plastic surgeon, resulting in an empowering journey - and friendship.'

🏈 The World According to Football (Paramount, 3:01 AM and Showtime, 8:00 PM) LIMITED SERIES. 'Focuses on a different country in each episode - Brazil, US, UK, France, and Qatar - and how soccer teams and fans in that country face global issues through the sport.'

🎥 The Exorcist: Believer (Peacock, 3:01 AM) STREAMING PREMIERE. 'Since the death of his wife 12 years ago, Victor Fielding has raised their daughter, Angela, on his own. But when Angela and her friend Katherine disappear in the woods, only to return three days later with no memory of what happened to them, it unleashes a chain of events that will force Victor to confront the nadir of evil.'

🏠 Sexiest Splash Pads (HGTV, 9:00 PM) SPECIAL PRESENTATION. 'David Bromstad slips on his swimsuit and slathers on the sunscreen as he dives into some of the hottest and steamiest getaways imaginable, from multimillion-dollar escapes to houses with 360-degree views of azure blue.'

👽 Unbelievable with Dan Aykroyd (History, 10:04 PM) SERIES PREMIERE. 'Digs up a bizarro barrage of the weirdest people, places, objects, and events in human history and delivers stories in a way that only Aykroyd can.  From Boston's Great Molasses Flood of 1919 to the killer dancing plague of 1518 to a surgery with a 300% mortality rate and a falling poodle that killed three people, these seemingly tall tales may seem unbelievable, but they are 100% true.'

🎄NEVER TOO EARLY FOR XMAS PREMIERES🎄

Candy Cane Lane

🎄🎥 Candy Cane Lane (Amazon, 12:01 AM) 'After Chris inadvertently makes a deal with a mischievous elf named Pepper to better his chances of winning, she casts a magic spell that brings the 12 Days of Christmas to life and wreaks havoc on the whole town.  Starring Eddie Murphy and Jillian Bell.'

🎄🐸 Frog and Toad (Apple, 12:01 AM) "Christmas Eve"

🎄🔔 Shape Island (Apple, 12:01 AM) "The Winter Blues"

🎄🔔 The Snoopy Show (Apple, 12:01 AM) "Happiness is Holiday Traditions"

🎄🎥 Spirited Sing Along (Apple, 12:01 AM) 'A sing-along version of the 2022 holiday musical comedy, “Spirited,” starring Will Ferrell, Ryan Reynolds and Octavia Spencer.'

🎄🎥 The Shepherd (Disney+, 3:01 AM) 'On Christmas Eve, a young RAF pilot flying home across the North Sea finds himself in peril when his radio and electric power cut out, leaving him stranded and running on limited fuel. Just when it appears his luck is about to run out, a mysterious good Samaritan guides him to safety.'

🎄🎥 My Norwegian Holiday (Hallmark, 8:00 PM) 'A grieving woman forges a deep connection with a Norwegian man when he discovers she has a troll figurine from his hometown. She soon agrees to accompany him to Norway to uncover the troll's origins and find her own path to healing, love and family.'

🎄👻 The Ghost and Molly McGee (Disney Channel & Disney XD, 8:00 PM) "White Christmas/Perfect Day"

🎄🔔 Hailey's On It (Disney Channel & Disney XD, 8:30 PM) "We Wish You a Merry Chaos-mas"

🎄🦸‍♂️ The Villains of Valley View (Disney Channel, 9:00 PM) "A Very Villain Christmas"

🎄🔔 Bunk'd: Learning the Ropes (Disney Channel, 9:30 PM) "Friends in Snow Places"

RETURNING SHOWS

🔔 Fisk (Netflix, 3:01 AM) SEASON TWO.

🔔 Sweet Home (Netflix, 3:01 AM) SEASON TWO.

🔔 Power Book III: Raising Kanan (Starz, 8:00 PM) SEASON THREE PREMIERE.

🚗 Roadkill Garage (Motortrend, 8:00 PM) SEASON EIGHT WINTER PREMIERE.

💖 Love After Lockup (WE, 9:00 PM) SEASON SIX PREMIERE.

Sweet Home

STREAMING

🚀 For All Mankind (Apple, 12:01 AM) "House Divided" 

👹 Monarch: Legacy of Monsters (Apple, 12:01 AM) "Parallels and Interiors" 

⚖ Tribunal Justice (Freevee, 12:01 AM) SEASON FINALE. 

🏠 Diary of an Old Home (Discovery+ and Max, 3:01 AM) 

🔨 First Time Fixer (Discovery+ & Max, 3:01 AM) 

💖 Love Island: Australia (Hulu, 3:01 AM) 

🔔 Who's Talking to Chris Wallace (Max, 3:01 AM) 

🍰 The Great British Baking Show (Netflix, 3:01 AM) SEASON FINALE. 

🔔 The Curse (Paramount, 3:01 AM) "Under the Big Tree" 

🔔 The Doll Factory (Paramount, 3:01 AM)  SEASON FINALE. 

🔔 Fellow Travelers (Paramount, 3:01 AM) "Beyond Measure" 

😈 My Demon (Netflix, 8:01 AM) 

🔔 Undead Unluck (Hulu, 2:01 PM) 

👮‍♂️ Cops (Fox Nation, 6:00 PM) 

LIVE SPORTSBALL TODAY/TONIGHT

⚽ UEFA Women's Nations League Soccer: England vs. Netherlands (CBSSN, 2:45 PM)

🏀 Boys High School Basketball: Teams TBA (ESON2, 5:30 PM)

⚽ Women's College Soccer: NCAA Tournament: Florida State vs. Clemson (ESPNU, 6:00 PM)

🏈 College Football: C-USA Championship: New Mexico State at Liberty (CBSSN, 7:00 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: St. John's at West Virginia (ESPN2, 7:00 PM)

🏀 NBA Basketball: Philadelphia 76ers at Boston Celtics (ESPN, 7:30 PM)

🏈 College Football: Pac-12 Championship: TBA vs. Washington (ABC, 8:00 PM)

⚽ Women's College Soccer: NCAA Tournament: BYU vs. Stanford (ESPNU, 8:30 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: Connecticut at Kansas (ESPN2, 9:00 PM)

🏀 NBA Basketball: Denver Nuggets at Phoenix Suns (ESPN, 10:00 PM)

🏌️‍♂️ DP World Tour Golf: ISPS Handa Australian Open, Third Round (Golf, 10:00 PM)

The Shepherd

🕗 EARLY PRIMETIME 🕗

🏠 The Loud House (Nickelodeon, 7:00 PM) 'Lincoln recruits his cousins to help end the years-long feud between Dad and Uncle Lance so they can finally celebrate Christmas together.'

💲 Hey Yahoo! (GSN, 3:00 PM) 
😂 Ridiculousness (MTV, 7:00 PM) 

🕗 8:00 EASTERN / 🕖 7:00 CENTRAL

🔔 Penn & Teller: Fool Us (CW, 8:00 PM) 'Featured magicians include Joe Monti, Ding Yang, Matt Baker and Arturo Fuenzalida.'

🎄👻 The Ghost and Molly McGee (Disney Channel & Disney XD, 8:00 PM) 'Scratch stresses about getting Molly the perfect gift, while Molly crafts a winter wonderland for the seniors; Molly asks Scratch to cast a time-loop curse so she can fix every mistake when her day keeps going wrong.'

🎄🔔 Hailey's On It (Disney Channel & Disney XD, 8:30 PM) 'When Hailey loses a mini reindeer, causing Christmas to not exist in the future, she must throw the best Oceanside Christmas Festival to save the future of Christmas.'

🤼‍♂️ WWE's Friday Night Smackdown (Fox, 8:00 PM) 
💲 The Wall (NBC, 8:00 PM) 
🤠 The Last Cowboy (CMT, 8:00 PM) 
💰 Gold Rush (Discovery, 8:00 PM) 
🎄🎥 My Norwegian Holiday (Hallmark, 8:00 PM) 
🚗 Roadkill Garage (Motortrend, 8:00 PM) 
😂 Ridiculousness (MTV, 8:00 PM) 
💖 Ready to Love: Make a Move (OWN, 8:00 PM) 
👮‍♂️ On Patrol: First Shift (Reelz, 8:00 PM) 
🏈 The World According to Football (Showtime, 8:00 PM) 
🔔 Power Book III: Raising Kanan (Starz, 8:00 PM) 

🕗 9:00 EASTERN / 🕖 8:00 CENTRAL

🎄🦸‍♂️ The Villains of Valley View (Disney Channel, 9:00 PM) 'The Madden family celebrates their first Christmas in Valley View; while trying to score their most wanted gift, Amy and Jake learn the true meaning of Christmas.'

🔔 Shining Vale (Starz, 9:00 PM) SEASON FINALE. 'Pat struggles to find someone she can trust; Terry's mayoral ambitions seem to have overwhelmed his loyalty to her; Gaynor struggles with her own fate, and Jake gets a second chance to defend his family.'

🎄🔔 Bunk'd: Learning the Ropes (Disney Channel, 9:30 PM) 'Santa's famous reindeer Comet and Cupid visit the ranch; Lou, Parker and Jake travel to a lodge in the mountains, but soon find themselves trapped in the cold.'

💲 Raid the Cage (CBS, 9:00 PM) 
🔔 Fboy Island (CW, 9:00 PM) 
🔔 Dateline NBC (NBC, 9:00 PM)
💀 Killer Cases (A&E, 9:00 PM) 
💰 Bering Sea Gold (Discovery Channel, 9:00 PM) 
🍴 Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives (Food, 9:00 PM) 
🏠 Sexiest Splash Pads (HGTV, 9:00 PM) 
👽 The Unexplained (History, 9:00 PM) 
😂 Ridiculousness (MTV, 9:00 PM) 
🔨 Beachfront Bargain Hunt Renovation (Magnolia, 9:00 PM) 
🚗 Runs Good (Motortrend, 9:00 PM) 
🔔 Belle Collective (OWN, 9:00 PM) 
💀 Real Murders of Los Angeles (Oxygen, 9:00 PM) 
👮‍♂️ On Patrol: Live (Reelz, 9:00 PM) 
💖 Love After Lockup (WE, 9:00 PM) 

May December

🕗 10:00 EASTERN / 🕖 9:00 CENTRAL

👽 Unbelievable with Dan Aykroyd (History, 10:04 PM) 'Exploring the Lake Michigan Triangle and many other wild and weird places, including a creepy doll-filled island with a dark past, deadly gas-filled explosive lakes, caves that harbor deadly viruses, and the most haunted place in the United States.'

🔔 Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO, 10:00 PM) 
🚗 Super Street Garage (Motortrend, 10:00 PM) 
🤼‍♂️ All Elite Wrestling: Rampage (TNT, 10:00 PM) 
💀 Murder in the 21st Century (A&E, 10:01 PM) 

LATE NIGHT

🔔 Mysteries of the Abandoned (Discovery Channel, 11:00 PM) 'Notorious gunslinger John Dillinger once pulled off a daring escape from this unassuming jail; today, the story of his clash with Indiana's first female sheriff and his dramatic getaway continues to fascinate the public.'

🤼‍♂️ All Elite Wrestling: Rampage (TNT, 11:00 PM) 
🔔 The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon (NBC, 11:34 PM) 
🔔 The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (CBS, 11:35 PM) 
🔔 Jimmy Kimmel Live! (ABC, 12:05 PM) 
🔔 Late Night with Seth Myers (NBC, 12:35 PM) 
🔔 Nightline (ABC, 12:37 AM)
🔔 The Late Late Show with James Corden (CBS, 12:37 AM) 

📺Broadcast/Cable/Satellite - RETRO BINGE📺

The Andy Griffith Show (Sundance, 6:00 AM - 1:00 PM); Law & Order (Pop, 6:00 AM - 8:00 PM); M*A*S*H* (TVLand, 8:30 AM - 10:45 AM); Roseanne (CMT, 9:00 AM - 12:00 PM); Living Single (TVOne, 9:00 AM - 12:00 PM); Hawaii Five-0 (Ion, 10:00 AM - 2:00 AM); South Park (Comedy Central, 10:10 AM - 2:00 PM); Gunsmoke (TVLand, 11:50 AM - 4:00 PM); Seinfeld (Comedy Central, 2:00 PM - 6:00 PM); The Andy Griffith Show (TVLand, 4:00 PM - 7:00 PM); Family Ties (Antenna, 5:00 PM - 6:00 PM); One Day at a Time (Antenna, 6:00 PM - 7:00 PM); The Office (Comedy Central, 6:00 PM - 12:00 AM); Three's Company (Antenna, 7:00 PM - 8:00 PM); Everybody Loves Raymond (TVLand, 7:00 PM - 11:05 PM); The Jeffersons (Antenna, 8:00 PM -9:00 PM); Barney Miller (Antennae, 9:00 PM - 10:00 PM); The King of Queens (TVLand, 11:05 PM - 2:00 AM); Designing Women (Antenna, 11:30 PM); Becker (Antenna, 12:00 AM - 1:00 AM); Wings (Antennae, 1:00 AM - 2:00 AM); Alice (Antenna, 2:00 AM - 3:00 AM); Mom (TVLand, 2:00 AM - 3:45 AM); Benson (Antenna, 3:00 AM - 4:00 AM)

📺 Johnny Carson (Antenna, 10:00 PM) 'Actor David Janssen; actor Lily Tomlin; singer Natalie Cole; writer Irwin Shaw.'

The Exorcist: Believer

Key Sources: The Futon Critic; Zap2it; Netflix; Wikipedia; Horrornews.net; Sysfy.com; hollywoodreporter.com

⭐: Top Pick
💲: Game show
🎥: Movie
📺: Throwback
✔️: Video/gif/photo included