Thoughts on Hands on a Hardbody

 

via Giphy/Courtesy YouTube

"Made it through one whole day, how you feelin'?"
"*with a tone of chipper hysteria* Awful."
"You got some coffee."
"Yes. Mr. Policeman found me some coffee. Brought it to me."
"How you feeling? You, you look pretty good, you look like you're up."
"No, I don't. I don't look good. I don't look good. My feet hurt, my legs hurt. I'm sleepy. But other than that, I'm okay."

Hands on a Hardbody inspired feelings I hadn't had since the last time I saw Roger & Me. I wondered how I would have reported on the 1995 Hardbody contest. It took more than three consecutive days for J.D. Drew to win the Nissan truck offered in Longview, Texas. He was one of 24 contestants and the only one not to either leave the competition or be eliminated because he either wasn't standing or didn't keep at least one gloved hand on the vehicle. They had to wear gloves because their hands' sweat could ruin the truck's paint job, "and nobody wants to win a truck that's all scratched up or the paint's bad." I had no trouble imagining myself emphasizing those rules in as many as three articles on the contest. Depending on if the dealership bought an ad or multiple ads, I could or would do a preview piece, a contestants profile and a recap article.

"(It) could be a tad shorter and it also could use a little more context. What about the health dangers to the contestants? Must they pass some sort of physical exam in order to enter? And who thought up the contest in the first place?"

-- Kevin Thomas, The Los Angeles Times

Directed by S.R. Bindler, Hands on a Hardbody immortalized, transcended and ended up bringing new life to the Hardbody contest. I had not expected that the event had an initial run from 1992-1996 before being revived in 1998 following the documentary's fame. The 1998 event lasted just under four straight days, close to but not yet achieving the more than 100-hour mark sought in 1995 by Benny Perkins. Benny won the '92 contest and his participation in '95 caused plenty of tongue wagging. While Benny is consistently interesting, I hestitate to consider him my favorite of the contestants. His observations have too much obvious "insight." No, I prefered contestants like Janis, who dropped out because she thought Benny was getting preferential treatment, Ronald, who noted that unlike cars, "trucks make money," and Kelli, who expanded on that idea.

"I think it's just something that you have to have. They're very, um, necessary. For a family. You know, hauling stuff around all the time. My mom, she owns her own antique shop and she's constantly, you know, having to haul furniture back and forth. If my dad didn't have a truck, I don't know what we'd do."

One of the participants that I wish we had a little more insight into was Norma, the Christian who ended up in second place*. She's a polarizing figure for some of her fellow contestants, and perhaps a good amount of people seeing Hands. I briefly wondered if Norma was faking when she would loudly, thoroughly feel the Holy Spirit, creating a distraction as a way of psyching out the competition. Then again, that would be like something out of fiction, specifically a parody of the goings on. To its credit, Hands on a Hardbody seems to have played fair with its subject and the people involved.

*Benny came in third place.

"It's a risk. It's a risk you have to take. Well, you know, what is it worth to you? Well, it's worth a brand new truck. Yeah? What else? I mean, where do you draw the line? When do you say, well, it's not worth it? You've got to think about that. You've got to ... put it in your mind. Hey, when do I decide when it's not worth it? ... When I fall down."

Recommended with reservations. 

Thoughts:

-- "Most people have a 3-ton air conditioner and you've got a 20-ton ..." "I've got a 20-ton." "Can you explain to me what a 20-ton air ..." "A 20-ton air unit is big enough to cool that Kmart store right there. And the only reason I've got a 20 ton is because I got a good buy on it in Paris, Texas. A store went out of business and it was a brand new unit. And they just practically gave it to me. And I said, this ought to cool my house. But I didn't know it would bring it down to 12 just below zero. But we did find out real quick it would."

-- Box Office: Hands supposedly grossed nearly $563,500 and was made for less than $15,000.

-- Critic's Corner: "This is accomplished documentary making ... to Binder's credit, he does not look down on his subjects," Anita Gates wrote for The New York Times in 1999. Despite his misgivings about the length and focust, Thomas said Binder "displays talent and judgment." In a 2012 interview with the A.V. Club, Tim Heidecker praised the movie. "They did a great job of keeping it suspenseful, and your really hope a couple of them don't win," he said. "A couple of them are terrible people, it seems like. It's like a great sports movie."

-- Longview is the hometown of Matthew McConaughey, who helped finance Hands the documentary and later appeared in Bernie, which included a nod to the contest.

-- I might still have a copy of the musical adaptation's cast album. I'd say that even though the Broadway run was brief, Hands put Keala Settle on the map. She played Norma, opposite Keith Carradine as J.D.

-- Hey, It's the Early 2000s!: My introduction to the Hands on a Hardbody concept was from a Tracey Takes On... sketch that I caught when we belatedly (and briefly) had HBO. Ruby Romaine's son Buddy competed. He won the truck, but ended up being duped by his long-lost father/Ruby's uncle (James Gammon).

-- For further reading, check out this Austin Chronicle article from 2013, just after the musical closed.

-- "You make friends with people, and, as they drop off, as they leave, it, it's an exhilarating thing. I mean, it's like, uh, a movie that I once saw. Uh, it's called Highlander. And, at the end, there can only be one."

-- Next: Armageddon. On deck: Lethal Weapon 4.