Courtesy Sony Pictures Television/IMDB
"I should have stopped at 57."-- Mark McGwire, regretting how his fame causes people like Paul and Jamie to get strange.
-- Jamie's rivalry with Diane the nurse is finally resolved in "The Honeymoon," directed by Gordon Hunt and the last of two scripts from Sheila R. Lawrence. File this one under news to me ... the Buchmans apparently never have gone on a honeymoon. And the way Jamie's acting, you'd think they'd never been on vacation. A romantic weekend is being auctioned off to benefit Dr. Lee's medical center, but thanks to the distracting news that "Bunny and Boo Boo" are now a couple thanks to Jamie's matchmaking, the Buchmans end up spending $2,000 on a bounce house. Lee's in such a romantic mood, he hooks Paul and Jamie up with a honeymoon experience ... at a tacky hotel, the same one he and Diane are staying at.
-- Back at the Buchmans', apartment sitter Lisa succumbs to the temptation of using the bounce house and promptly gets stuck. Eventually, Lisa, Ira, Marvin, Maggie and Sheila are all caught in or injured by the toy, which, I dunno, came inflated? On a side note, in light of Jeff Garlin's recent bad publicity, it's more than a little awkward to see Marvin grab onto Maggie's foot and be psychologically unable to let go. Back at the hotel, Paul and Jamie aren't in the mood for love, while Diane is. She's so excited, she calls out Paul's name. The awkwardness builds, with Paul eventually calling out his own name. The men end up pairing off, as do the women. Diane admits to having a crush on Paul, but also says she'll let it go. Dr. Lee sincerely egowanks Paul about how much it sucks that a guy like him could have Diane's heart (to the show's credit, it seems to be playing the joke that Paul is not Mr. Right, not that Lee is pathetic). Anyway, both couples reunite and for an extra joke, Jamie has adopted Diane's squeal-greet.
-- Next up is "Valentine's Day," written and directed by Victor Levin. A point for continuity, as "Valentine's" builds a little on Levin's "The Conversation," namely the idea of Jamie and Paul feeling differently about living outside of the city. Jamie may share Paul's disgust for finding another man's underwear in with their laundry, but that doesn't mean she's ready to move. A house in Irvington, New York, however, is Paul's gift this year. Well, it beats Jamie's gift, an admittedly fancy necktie. The Buchmans have been in escrow for six weeks and they close on Tuesday. Paul and Jamie decide to spend a night at the house, checking out its tacky decor and meeting the outgoing owners, Frank and Ramona (Richard Benjamin and Rhea Perlman). Ramona is ready for the next chapter in Florida, since the kids are "married ... married ... dancer."
-- Paul may love the house's laundry room, but Jamie's still not enthusiastic. She and Paul investigate spooky noises, argue about him buying a house without telling her (Team Jamie on this one) and discover that the noise was caused by change in the washing machine. A home in the suburbs is Paul's idea of the perfect future. Jamie's gotta have the city. ... She still agrees to the move. Closing day arrives. Paul claims to Jamie that he's changed his mind, which she knows is a lie. He says he wants their future to be one they both want, but Jamie doesn't buy that, either. She figures it's his way of showing he's the bigger person and still giving her a bigger and better gift than the necktie. (Stop while you're ahead, Jamie.) Anyway, Paul manages to get the sale cancelled by feigning affection for Frank's prized squeaky-cushioned chairs and table made out of old barrels. The finale of this episode has way, way too much squeaking. Paul claims no chairs and table, no sale, which is fine with Frank.
-- For a non-actor, Mark McGwire did okay in "Virtual Reality II." Directed by David Steinberg from a script by one-and-done writer Trish Soodik, the episode has some now problematic humor and a weaker punchline than the first time Paul and Jamie got involved with VR. Previously, Jamie's ideal experience was hearing Paul admit he's wrong. It was made possible thanks to the technology at Syntek. Paul and Jamie's initial investment has finally paid off. They have the possibility of increasing their handsome sum by tenfold. Syntek's has a life-predicting computer. It depends on total honesty. Jamie lets the computer know all about her sexual preferences, while Paul's lies result in Cary Grant-style simulation. Once Paul's avatar is adjusted for honesty, the Buchmans see that Jamie's going to help a choking man (Phill Lewis) at Riff's.
-- Ira's been getting along great with girlfriend Melissa (Cynthia LaMontagne), who reveals that she'll be undergoing gender reassignment. That bit of information gets the man choking. Once the man's life is saved, he reveals himself to be sports agent Jim Weaver. Grateful, he invites them all to a party for Mark McGwire. Paul and Jamie decide to reinvest in Syntek. Ira discovers that Melissa's going to make it big as a football player (he resolves to make her last sexual experience as a woman a great one), while the Buchmans see that Jamie's going to share a bed with Mark. Now they're skeptical about the computer working ... At the party, Mark ends up creeped out by the Buchmans. Jim wishes he had choked. Lamenting their lost investment, Paul and Jamie get drunk, do tricks including Jamie balancing a shot glass on her face and the couple having a Brokaw impressions duel and continue to annoy Jim. He gives them the key to his room, 613, to sleep off their buzz. Paul and Jamie end up in Room 612, Mark's. Jamie sobers up enough to realize the prediction is coming true. Mark's still freaked out. "I hate when this happens." "We're rich!"
-- Mel Brooks won his third and last Emmy for MAY with "Uncle Phil Goes Back to High School," directed by Gordon Hunt from a script by one-and-done writer Dean Young (King of the Hill, The Drew Carey Show). Well, better late -- 63 years, to be exact -- than never. Speaking of that, "School" includes something I'd been waiting for, resolution to the not-quite sexual tension between Paul and Lisa. She got new breasts, double Ds. Lisa allows Paul to feel them and an infatuation is born. I liked this story better than Phil's, which was mostly cute. He's most eager about going to prom. He gets on the nerves of the history teacher (Stuart Pankin) by claiming MacArthur didn't actually say "I shall return." Phil should know; he was Doug's driver during the war. Phil also gets on the bad side of the principal (Stephen Tobolowsky) and hits it off with his secretary, Rosie (Edie McClurg). These are all reliable character actors. I just wish they had a better episode.
-- Paul, a devoted listener to the Dr. Cathy (voice of B.J. Ward) show, gets advice on his lust for "Lisalna," who is eccentric and stacked. Cathy advises Paul to keep this a secret. Too bad Jamie already knows. Phil, who's been threatened with expulsion if he doesn't behave in school, is nervous about his French final. He plans to cheat, but is talked out of it. Phil succeeds on his own merits -- and very well, too, scoring a 98 -- and celebrates by taking Rosie to the prom. The event includes Jamie teasing Paul about the dress lent to her by "Lisalna" and Phil livening things up with Al Jolson's "Ma Blushin' Rosie." Look, you either go with it or you don't.
-- The last one is "Murray at the Dog Show," the last episode directed by Michael Lembeck, from the last script by Andy Glickman. Paul and Jamie believe Murray was traumatized when the puma attacked him. They tell their dog show plans to Sheila, who informs the couple that she thinks they're cured. Jamie doesn't respond well to that. "What the hell are you talking about?" She expected being cured would be a process, not with a simple declaration. "Dog" includes on location footage. Paul and Jamie are caught jaywalking by a cop (Amy Hill) who insists on ticketing them. She's hostile and so's Jamie, who refuses to reveal her name. Paul wants to wait for the cop when she goes to aid in another matter, but Jamie runs away and Paul runs after her. Soon after, Paul's a paranoid mess. Jamie tries to calm him down with in-park loving, which gets Billy Joel's attention ("Yeah, I've been there."). Jamie has something big she wanted to discuss with Paul, which she clearly felt would be best under Sheila's observance. She wants him to have a vasectomy.
-- I remember the vasectomy playing a significant role in "The Final Frontier," so props to MAY for setting it up in advance. Paul, still paranoid, finds Sheila and has a sort of session with her outside the office. Jamie resorts to interrupting Sheila's actual session with a very depressed woman (Judith Moreland). It's time for the dog show, which includes Ira heckling Murray's competition and Hank Azaria's Brockmire attire sorta foreshadowed in Nat's formal wear. Paul and Jamie argue about whether or not they should have more kids, with Paul spitefully suggesting up to 10 total, while Murray is frozen on the show floor. He's spooked by a cat, and to the tune of the Chariots of Fire theme, he makes up for last time, ultimately winning the show. Paul and Jamie end up telling Shelia about everything. He conclusion is that they certainly are nuts.
-- Didja Notice?: The newest whiz kid at Syntek is "Zach Grundfest." Phil attends Jacob Javits High School. Some of the young extras in the first classroom scene are a little hammy. Do Paul and Jamie work anymore?
-- The Buchmans Go Broadway: Paul's first guess as to what "Syntek" is has him thinking it's the tailor in Fiddler on the Roof ("Reality").
-- The Buchmans Go to the Movies: Paul says that after dealing with the non-familiar underwear, he washed his hands like Silkwood and later compares the idea of having a home to owning land like the O'Haras in Gone With the Wind ("Valentine's").
-- Hey, It's ...!: Saverio Guerra ("Honeymoon"). Bob Sheppard, "the voice of the Yankees" ("Dog").
-- Supporting Scores: Ira appears in three episodes, followed by Lisa and Sheila in two each and Maggie, Marvin and Nat in one episode each.
-- Before the Credits: Jamie tricks Paul, who's using a fork to get a slice out of the toaster, into thinking he's been shocked ("Honeymoon"). Later, she catches him after he's mopped himself into a corner. "Again?" ("Reality"). Paul and Jamie still have dancing skills, even without music ("Dog").
-- Under the Credits: Murray gets the bounce house to deflate, causing an even more chaotic scene that Paul and Jamie just manage to sneak away from ("Honeymoon"). Paul, Jamie, Frank, Ramona and their lawyers perform "Joy to the World" on the chairs, which gradually causes the cast to crack up ("Valentine's"). Paul's off to live Mark's life, while he stays home with Jamie ("Reality"; the same situation happened with Jamie and Christie Brinkley back in '94). Paul worries about how he'll get over his crush on Lisa, until being reminded of her off-putting behavior does the trick ("School"). More of Nat trying to train Murray ("Dog").
-- Scheduling Corner and Ratings Roundup: During this batch, which spanned late January-late April 1999, MAY was moved from 9 p.m. Monday to 8:30 p.m. Monday. Its new competition included The King of Queens, 20/20, Melrose Place, 7th Heaven and DiResta, featuring ex-castmember Leila Kenzle. The show, which had been coming in close to 10th place, took nearly two months off so NBC could air the last episodes of Caroline in the City. A sad state for two shows that held their own for a good amount of time.
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