I have never been a fan of arts and crafts. Even as a kid, I felt that time spent trying to craft do-dads out of popsicle sticks or pipe cleaners or gluing macaroni on stuff was a boring waste. So I have never been the audience for homemaking queen Martha Stewart, whose entire career has been devoted to essentially recreating arts and crafts time for adults.
I simplify, of course, as Stewart's truly impressive career is a result of her grit and determination. While she hardly pulled herself up from the bootstraps (she came from a rich family, worked for a while as a stockbroker before becoming a caterer, and her ex-husband just happened to be a prominent New York-based publisher), it was certainly not a given that she would be able to spin her talent for decorating and entertaining into a massive media empire, which by 1995 included numerous books, a monthly magazine, a weekly syndicated TV show, and regular appearances on Today.
While she had made prior specials for PBS, Martha Stewart's Home for the Holidays would be her first network prime-time special, and to be blunt, it's complete and utter DIY porn. The hour-long show has her casually giving instructions for numerous Christmas-themed projects, all of which she assures us are incredibly easy, and most of which looks like they'd require tons of specialized equipment and hours on end of free time.
The special starts with Stewart supposedly welcoming us to her actual home, before whisking us to the kitchen, where we briefly meet her mom and sister, who are busy whipping up traditional plum puddings. "It requires a lot of chopping and mixing, so it's the perfect project to do with your family and friends" she coos, giving the distinct impression that, when you visit her, participation in projects like this are not optional. Next, we're off to her "Christmas workshop" where numerous people are hard at work creating wreaths using fresh leaves and berries. Stewart merrily gives instructions to make our own, as her friends? Employees? Slaves? work hard behind her.
We see her make her own silvery foil tree ornaments, and then use wooden cookie molds to make clay ornaments. Then, she makes some complicated-looking gingerbread cookies, before making a gingerbread house with her first special guest, Miss Piggy (voiced by Frank Oz), who was there to promote her new cookbook. Piggy nicely cut through Stewart's pomposity ("I like those plastic flowers back there", and after Stewart proclaims how easy her intricate designs are "Sure, if you have a degree in engineering"), and shamelessly flirting with the "friend" who comes out to help finish the house. It's a shame that the segment is all too short.
Afterwards, the aspirational porn continues, as Martha encourages her audience to make their own wrapping paper, then joins her sister (sprung from plum pudding-making duties) to fill bottles and wrap baking goods. Then, she does various crafts involving fresh fruit that looks great, but seems to take longer to put together than it is designed to last. She then takes her one field trip, to the White House to meet with then-First Lady Hillary Clinton for a very brief segment where they discuss wreaths.
Her final segment, and her final guest, actually seems to dazzle Stewart, as she makes pate a choux (small French pastries) with Julia Child herself. While Child doesn't pierce Stewart the way that Miss Piggy did, she does seem impressed with Stewart's sugar-stringing method. To be fair, if your cooking technique impresses Julia Child, you should probably drop the pretention that it's oh so simple.
I was definitely not the target audience for Martha Stewart's Home for the Holidays, as I do not make crafts nor do I wish I had the talent to do any of her creations. Indeed, this reminded me most of an adult version of one of those Christmas craft books I'd occasionally receive as a kid. That said, despite it all, I actually kind of enjoyed it. I admire Stewart for managing to turn her talents into a renowned career, which a quarter-century after this special is still thriving. And you know, sometimes its nice to kick back with some aspirational porn. My house will never look like Martha Stewart's, nor would I want it to, but visiting on occasion can be a nice treat.
Next time: Taped! With a polarizing talk show host/singer
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