via Giphy/Courtesy Buena Vista Television
"Cooking. If I wait for you to take me to brunch, I'll starve to death."
"Ma, you're making me feel guilty."
"I know. It's Mother's Day. You celebrate your way, I'll celebrate mine."
Picture it: NBC, 1985 through 1992. It was a time when you could have a successful network sitcom and not give a damn about continuity. Today's quartet of Golden Girls episodes were written by the teams of either Barry Fanaro & Mort Nathan or Kathy Speer & Terry Grossman. "Mother's Day" had a story by the latter and a teleplay by the former. The Golden Girls' tendency to favor jokes above all comes across in the saga of Sophia (Estelle Getty) and her mother. In "My Brother, My Father," written by Fanaro & Nathan, mama died in 1914. The death is glossed over. It's a detail when Uncle Angelo (Bill Dana) reveals that he's a widower, not actually a priest. In "Day," mama/grandma was alive in 1957, a Sicilian peasant girl in 1881 and played by Beatrice Arthur! In "The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo," written by Speer & Grossman, mama/grandma was 94 years old in 1952, the year that Dorothy (Arthur) was supposedly age six. In addition to meaning Dorothy got married at age two (since 1988 marks 40 years since she married Stan (Herb Edelman)), this also means that Dorothy is 42 years old ... younger than Blanche (Rue McClanahan)!
I keep this up and I'm gonna be joining Mrs. Zbornak (Alice Ghostley) for measuring cups of grain alcohol. The thing is, crazy continuity doesn't bother me. I've seen every episode of The Golden Girls at least three times. For today, I deliberately picked episodes I love, ones allowing for star turns by all four actresses. The great work by guest actors is a fringe benefit. "Fifth girl" Terry Hughes directed all of this batch's bunch.
A familiar sitcom concept, people who supposedly hate each other being trapped together, is elevated by fine performances in "Brother." Sophia urges Dorothy and Stan to act like a still-happily married couple for Angelo's sake. He's only going to be in Miami for a few hours. Then the hurricane happens. And Blanche and Rose (Betty White) arrive home in their Sound of Music costumes. "Sister" Blanche's lame cover story of "collecting lingerie ... for needy sexy people" is an all-time classic, but it's ultimately Arthur and Edelman who triumph. I've said it before: "Brother" marks the first time that you can believe that Dorothy and Stan had a multi-decade marriage. Before that happens, Arthur sinks her teeth into some great nasty dialogue.
"He still make you laugh like he used to?"
"Not really, but then again, I haven't seen him naked lately."
"Brother" includes the punchline that Angelo never liked Stan. "He's a yutz." Stan's mother agrees, but since the world dumps on her kid, she keeps up a show of devotion. I liked Dorothy's flashback in "Day" the best. Ghostley is fun as the monster-in-law ("Yeah, right."). Coming in second is Rose's flashback of when she met Anna (Geraldine Fitzgerald), who plans to continue the annual tradition of visiting her daughter's grave. I want to like Blanche's flashback of the last Mother's Day she spent with her mom (Helen Kleeb), but it's mostly a monologue for McClanahan rather than a fleshed-out segment. Sophia's story of how Sal (Sid Melton) helped convince her mother to move in with them (because it's an idea he hated and she liked that) is okay. It's most notable for the continuity, Lynnie Greene as young Dorothy and Bea as mama/grandma.
"Picture it: Sicily, 1881. A beautiful young peasant girl ..."
"Mama, not another story."
"Sophia, come closer ..."
*Sophia does, and gets smacked*
Insults come fast in "Yes, We Have No Havanas," also by Fanaro & Nathan. The first Golden Girls episode to air after the 1988 writers strike, it has the exuberance of an octogenarian who might get to shower with a man for the first time in 22 years. The man is Fidel Santiago (Henry Darrow), willingly caught in a love triangle with Blanche and Sophia. Meanwhile, Dorothy teaches night school for GED candidates ... including Rose! Bart Simpson passing Edna Krabappel's class with a D- was memorable, but Rose passing Dorothy's class with a D- is funner. Before we learn that Rose and other St. Olaf teens were taught by Hitler, a.k.a. Fritz Stickelmeyer, she doesn't respond well to the idea of not getting her diploma. "Yeah? Well, you have a big behind." That's a favorite of me and my brother, as is the exchange at Fidel's funeral between Dorothy and one of his many girlfriends. "He was never with me." "I guess even he had his standards." And before that, we have Sophia's lowest -- and funniest -- moment. Then again, Blanche set it up so perfectly.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.”
“You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?"
"Petrillo" has a unique structure. Dorothy, Blanche and Rose spend their half of the episode having a day-long version of the conversations they'd have while eating cheesecake late at night. The cheesecake chats have always been one of my favorite elements of The Golden Girls and "Petrillo" includes memorable tales of Blanche and big-eared beau Preston Bougainvillea ("He had a big, floppy pancreas, Rose."), Pigpen "Johannsen" ruining Founders Day by not putting up St. Olaf's welcome sign (the Minnesota governor passed through, unaware where he was; "I would have thought the glazed look on everyone's face would have tipped him off.") and mama/grandma's mysterious disappearance ("One night she left in her wheelchair and she never came back. The next day the neighborhood kids had a go kart with two really big back wheels."). Despite having her name in the title, Sophia is actually the episode's weakest link. Okay, so she gets the market's best nectarine, helps a friend get a refund for a fatty lamb chop, motivates an old lady jazz band to play better (they're raising money for a clinic), cheers up a lonely hospital patient who may or may not be her friend Lillian and comforts Sam, a juvenile AIDS patient. This is apparently what a typical day for Sophia is like. The payoff was there, with the nectarine Sophia bought being what she gave Sam. I just wish the market and band segments were stronger. Maybe if Sophia sang "When the Saints Go Marching In," too.
"What did I do today? What I do every day. I bought a nectarine."
Thoughts:
-- "Dorothy, if I ever (get difficult with) you, I want you to take me out to a field and shoot me." "Could you put that in writing?" "Dorothy, come closer ..." *Dorothy does, and gets smacked herself*
-- Awards Watch: "Brother" was the episode Bea Arthur won her only Emmy playing Dorothy for. Estelle Getty won her lone Emmy with "Old Friends," which aired in 1987. White, McClanahan, Edelman and Hughes were also nominated for their work in and on 1987 episodes, while Fitzgerald was nominated for "Day." A year later, McClanahan would be nominated for "Havanas" and Getty would be nominated for a package including "Petrillo." Meanwhile, Arthur and White were the only ones of the foursome to get Golden Globe nominations for 1988. To be fair, the 46th annual Globes included nods for TV newcomers Roseanne and Candice Bergen.
-- Hey, It's 1987-88!: Having Angelo beg "as a holy man" for her to share a bedroom with Stan helps Dorothy know how Jessica Hahn felt ("Brother"). Rose agrees with Blanche that some things defy explanation. "Yeah, like Bruce Willis' hair." ("Havanas"). Sophia claims that an ageism case against the market is stronger than Valerie Harper's vs. NBC ("Petrillo").
-- "Blanche Deveraux has never shared a man!" "Or a pizza."
-- More Crazy Continuity: Since when is Blanche from Virginia? And why is Margaret Hollingsworth living in a retirement home without her still-living husband ("Day")? Rose was supposed to graduate high school in 1947. For that matter, a season earlier, she was revealed to be the class valedictorian ("Havanas"). Also, Blanche has been arrested at least twice in Chattanooga, apparently before the show began. Two seasons earlier, she claimed never to have been in jail before ("Petrillo").
-- St. Olaf Stories: "Day" includes one about the residents greeting their first Black neighbor with a traditional Scandinavian welcome, which included them wearing bed sheets. Old Man Smith, formerly of Chattanooga (where they fondly remember Blanche, but I digress), had a heart attack. "After that, when somebody new moved in, the town council just handed out peanut brittle and free passes to the local movie house, which they hoped to build someday.”
-- Paging Lord Dudley, repeat, paging Lord Dudley! "Havanas" is the episode with the still-funny concept of Ruth Buzzi leading Evita at the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater. If you need another reason to watch, how about Rose getting bopped on the head by Dorothy's grade book? It's not abuse, since Rose's hair was sprayed strong enough to withstand most of the impact. I also liked Rose questioning that the comment about Fidel dipping his toes "in the lake known as Blanche" wasn't stupid enough to deserve a hit.
-- "(Angelo recalls meeting his late wife) On my way to the seminary in Palermo, I stop off at a local trattoria for a glass of Chianti. The waitress bring drink to the table is a vision. Luscious lips, full bosom and a behind so round, so firm, you got to fall down on your knees and cry out at its magnificent regal beauty. ... I'm a butt man."
-- Next: thirtysomething. On deck: Beauty and the Beast.
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