Thoughts on Big Business

 

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"My God, it's me with a bad haircut."
"Bad? I paid $12 for this."

I'm concluding a long workweek and am trying to start a long birthday weekend. You know what that means ... one more round of Ostensibly Concise Thoughts On!

1. Bette Midler was top billed for Big Business, followed by Lily Tomlin and the title. Business was fourth in Bette's series of comedies for Touchstone Pictures and depending on how you look at things, her last for a while. It was also Lily Tomlin's return to movies after triumphing on stage with The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe.

2. I wonder if they considered having Bette and Lily also play Mrs. Shelton and Mrs. Ratliff. Deborah Rush is really funny, though, so it was all for the best. "I hate needles!" "Now, hold on a second, it'll just be a little prick." "Yeah, that's what got me into this mess."

3. Business was written by first cousins (and debuting screenwriters) Dori Pierson and Marc Reid Rubel. Rubel's mom, in fact, was half of a pair of fraternal twins, also named Sadie and Rose. That's sweet, but my patience is being severely tested by this long flashback. Jim Abrahams, striking on his own after co-directing Airplane!, Top Secret! and Ruthless People with David and Jerry Zucker, should have maybe picked up the pace a bit.

4. Nine minutes in, and we now know that the rich Sheltons of New York have one baby that will grow up to be Bette and one that will grow up to be Lily. The poor Ratliffs of Jupiter Hollow, West Virginia, also have their own Bette and Lily. That's enough table setting, right? Right?

5. Eww, Trump Tower.

6. STAR ENTRANCE ALERT! Bette's portrayal of Sadie Shelton got the most positive reviews, and it's not hard to see why. "You know, when I ask for demographics, I expect you to include all age groups." "Uh, children 7-13 don't purchase stock, Miss Shelton." "I did. ... Is this how we dress for the office? You look like a blood clot."

7. What would a diva be without her fellas in waiting? Graham (Edward Herrmann) and Chuck (Daniel Gerroll) make a nice pair, but in the wake of Big, I just can't support a workplace romance.

8. Lily's entrance as Rose Shelton receives less fanfare. We know she's a good person because she likes dogs, even stray ones who end up not liking her. Discuss: Can goodness make up for being so easily distraught? Yeah, Rose is a twit. "I have a right to my own feelings, Sadie, and I am not a twit."

9. The table setting continues. Rose S.'s ex-boyfriend, Dr. Jay (sadly, not Julius Erving, but Michael Gross), doesn't like Sadie S. Sadie S.' estranged husband Michael (Barry Primus) doesn't like her, either. Sadie S.' son, Jason (SETH GREEN!) likes her, but mostly because she's paying him handsomely for good grades. The people of Jupiter Hollow don't like Sadie S., either, since she's trying to liquidate Hollowmade, which the Sheltons only own because it was the only way their babies could be delivered in the nearest hospital.

10. Lily gets a belated star entrance as someone who's "more than a match for Moramax ... Miss Guts and Gumption, Miss No-Nonsense herself, Rose Ratliff!" Not to be outdone, Bette's entrance as Sadie Ratliff includes milking a cow, yodeling and dancing. That cow better show more enthusiasm, or it's time for steak.

11. I have so many questions about time right now. I'm going to assume that it's a weekday, based on the amount of activity going on at Moramax. I'm guessing everyone in Jupiter Hollow took the day off so they could attend the fair and fundraiser for the Ratliffs' New York trip. 

12. Surprise surprise, Sadie S. is lying about the people of Jupiter Hollow being okay with the liquidation. Back in the sticks, Sadie R. lives above her raisin' (Would you want to go for grape soda with a guy covered in pig poop?), while Rose R. can't tell boyfriend Roone (Fred Ward) that she's off to fight Moramax. I mean, he is playing in a miniature golf tournament. Really, it's charitable, Rose R. not wanting to throw off Roone's game. He throws her's off by proposing.

13. At 23:24, it's Tuesday, the day before the Moramax stockholders meeting at the Plaza Hotel. Sadie R.'s not planning on coming back from New York. The Sheltons get ready to meet Fabio (Michele Placido), flying in from Rome with the intent to purchase Hollowmade from Sadie. Rose is just kept out of the dark about the local opposition to the liquidation, and Graham, who's been corresponding with Rose R., is directed to find and subdue the Ratliffs. We're almost done with the table setting ...

14. Twenty-nine minutes in and it's time to eat. I've already done too much narrating and there's still nearly 70 minutes to go. Fabio knows what the Sheltons look like, but not how they act. It's easy for him to confuse the Ratliffs for them. Harlan the chauffeur (John Hancock) should have known better, though. "Did you go and buy yourselves brand new outfits?" "How'd you know?" Anyway, the tourists get the limo and the rich gals are forced to take a cab, which they can't pay for. As a result, they're dropped off in Harlem. Hello, sexy Black guys.

15. My brother just got back from New York City. I'm hoping to go in the spring. We joked about hotels. He stayed at the Row, which I'm considering. If I had money to burn, I'd try the Palace. Anyway, my point is that after seeing the real Plaza interiors in Home Alone 2, the fake Plaza in Business is less impressive. That's a shame, since Abrahams went to the trouble of giving it an entrance as grand as Bette's first one.

16. ID will eventually reveal Roone's identity, but until then, nobody is bothering to verify that the Rose and/or Sadie that they're talking to is the Rose and/or Sadie they're expecting. I mean, I guess that's normal. How many people expect to double check an identity? And I guess that since the Shelton's suite was arranged by Graham/Moramax, there would be no reason for the Ratliffs to sign anything.

17. People just missing running into each other is not funny, Roger Ebert wrote. He was not impressed by the "numerous flat and tedious scenes that are structured as if they were intended to be slapstick." I have a high tolerance for this kind of stuff, but I see Roger's point (and I'm cranky). Oh well, at least we get some fun with the desk clerk (Joe Grifasi) believing that Sadie R. is coming onto him. 

18. "That is some room! Have you seen the view from up there?" "No. I've never been above the third floor." "You haven't?! Well, you just gotta come up there and see it." "That's very nice of you." "Oh no. It would be such a shame not to share it. And, you know, I bet it's just so beautiful at night. Well ... bye. I'll see you later."

19. Sadie S., meanwhile, is getting along very well with Fabio. It helps that they're both corrupt (and neither really gets punished for it). Rose S. ... goes to the library, while Rose R. continues her campaign against Moramax. Sadie R. goes shopping and starts to win back "her" son and husband. I just realized: Seth Green shares a scene with three out of the four female leads. I guess Sadie R. acts the way that Rose R. would, by securing him to a beam at FAO Schwarz. Speaking of Schwarz, I now see why critics liked that Big was so concise. Less than 50 minutes to go ...

20. I'm probably missing a ton of complications, but you've got the idea, right? Sadie S. is a greedy bitch. Sadie R. is naive but loving life in the city. Rose S. is naive but more cut out for life in the country. Rose R. is just as cunning as Sadie S., but on the side of good. Vincent Canby: "There is a sly modesty in Miss Tomlin's characterizations that works as sweet counterpoint to Miss Midler's all-out clowning." As with Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, for better or for worse, you can't picture anyone else playing these roles. Well, actually, that's not true. I can maybe see Streisand, who was the first choice for the Sadies. She would have acted opposite Goldie Hawn as the Roses.

21. Quick rundown of the men: Michael is on his way to "reuniting" with Sadie R. Fabio and Sadie S. hookup, with him wearing her tiara as they sleep. The desk clerk doesn't get lucky with either Sadie. Dr. Jay is initially rebuffed by Rose R., who he thinks is Rose S. The real Rose S. is eventually thoroughly charmed by Roone, who Graham and Chuck think is "R. Ratliff." I mean, who wouldn't fall in love? Not only is Roone hot, but he knows his culture (classical music has no lyrics) and can talk really purdy-like.

22. "Hell, I only been out of Jupiter Hollow one day, but I sure do miss it. ... Well, uh, my porch, for one thing. Nothin' like rockin' on your porch around twilight time. ... Yeah, your bones just go as limp as a willow tree. And the shadow from the mountain makes its way up my steps like -- well, like an old friend comin' to visit. And the stars! I mean, that's about the only thing crowded about Jupiter Hollow. Right now, the sky'd be plumb full of stars. You know. Kids playin' in the schoolyard. Doors with no locks. Folks who'll look you straight in the eye and smile. Yeah, people as close as cornmeal in Jupiter Hollow. You know, when Mother Nature looks through her window, Jupiter Hollow is the view that she loves best." By the end of this spiel, Rose S., Graham and Chuck probably all want to fuck Roone.

23. At 76:08, with nearly 22 minutes left, it's Wednesday, the day of the stockholders meeting and time for the ladies to come face to face to face to face. Ebert was disappointed that the big meeting fizzled out. Again, he has a point. We go from the girls all freaking out (and freaking out Graham, Chuck and Roone) to Rose S. demanding an answer to the quartet leaving the ladies room with all but Rose S. chattering about their identities. We also get a belated punchline to the story of "rickety old Nanny Lewis. She couldn't see worth a darn. She spent her last days puttin' diapers on chairs."

24. "Am I rich now?" Rose R. ends up keeping guard over Sadie S., trapped in a closet while Sadie R. and Rose S. save the day. I have to admit, keying in on the stockholders best interests -- namely to avoid bad publicity -- was shrewd. "We appeal to you as business people. We appeal to your basic business instinct." "Yes! To save your own asses!"

25. More movies should end with couples going off together. It looks like all the men know which woman he ended up with.

Well, I liked it better than Beaches, so I guess I'll go with recommended with reservations.

Thoughts:

-- "I may be pre-periodic and I may be hysterical, so what?" "So there are drugs for those things, and we make most of them. Now get in there."

-- Box Office: Grossing $40.1 million on a $20 million budget, this opened at No. 3.

-- Awards Watch: Bette won the American Comedy Award, which Lily was also nominated for.

-- Critic's Corner, the movie: "The brisk verbal wit, combined with quiet, droll sight gags, sets the film foursquarely in our affection," Sheila Benson wrote. "It holds even through a sag late in the second act when things become less crisp and defined than perhaps they should be." Ebert: "The life all seems to have escaped from this movie." David Denby: "The kind of mechanical comedy that flees from creativity as from a plague."

-- Critic's Corner, Bette: I know she could laugh at her weight, even singing "Fat As I Am," but some of the critics' remarks are tacky in this day and age. Rita Kempley: "With her Rubenesque abundance, Midler does look Petunia Piggish as she prisses through this latest screwball farce, truly queen in the Magic Kingdom." Denby: "Midler shifts her abundant flesh with the speed of a dancer -- she's become a more volatile version of Mae West." "If the edge goes to Midler it's because her city persona is a towering inferno all by itself and it burns down the competition," Benson wrote.

-- Critic's Corner, Lily: "Both Tomlins seems to be the same rather vague woman who has trouble with her shoulder pads," Ebert observed. Variety: "Her two sweetly flakey, nay-saying characters for a while seem so similar." "Someone should puzzle out sometime why the genius that illuminates Tomlin's one-woman shows has never quite found itself on screen," Benson wrote. Kempley: "Tomlin is about as animated as (Snow) White during her 100-year-rest period. ... The understated Tomlin, overpowered by Midler's kitsch and swish, was better off opposite John Travolta."

-- Hey, It's ...!: Roy Brocksmith, Mary Gross, Lucy Webb and Louis Rukeyser.

-- Marquee Watch: Jean de Florette is playing at the Paris Theater, which places shooting at sometime in the summer of 1987. See also, the marquee for Me and My Girl, visible when Roone arrives.

-- "Does Sadie know how you feel?" "Of course." "Does she agree?" "Is a frog's ass watertight?"

-- Next: Punchline. On deck: Child's Play.