Thoughts on Santa Claus: The Movie

 

via ruthlessreviews.com

"The prophecy has come to pass, that there would come to us a chosen one. And that he, having no child of his own, would love all children, everywhere. And that he himself would be an artisan and a craftsman and a skilled ... maker of toys. And now, chosen one, come forth. ... *takes him in* Hmm ... From this day on, now and forever, you will bring our gifts to all the children in all the world. And all this to be done on Christmas Eve."

In hindsight, it really was a good thing that Supergirl and Santa Claus: The Movie flopped. Left to their own devices, producers Alexander & Ilya Salkind and Pierre Spengler, with or without director Jeannot Szwarc and the writing team of David & Leslie Newman, apparently would have continued to make the same damn movie over and over again. That movie is Superman, which continues to be acclaimed as an example of how to successfully tell an origin story. It isn't everyday that Santa Claus is in someone's shadow, but it happened with the production of Santa Claus: The Movie and within the movie itself.

Claus (David Huddleston, occasionally reminding me of John Goodman), a kindly, childless European man, is rescued with his wife Anya (Judy Cornwell) and their reindeer Donner and Blitzen by North Pole-dwelling elves including Patch (Dudley Moore). Pieces of the folklore keep coming, including the workshop, other six reindeer*, red suit, ability to give presents throughout the world in one night, reindeer's ability to fly, Santa Claus name**, naughty list and even "The Night Before Christmas." If the powers that be stopped here, they'd still have a charming "How Santa Became Santa" special.

*Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, and Cupid. All but Rudolph, who's not in the public domain.

**Given by Burgess Meredith, as the Ancient Elf, stealing the movie for a few minutes.

But they didn't, and there's another hour to go, so it's time to enter the exciting world of office politics. After 600 or so Christmases, Santa is pooped. It's time for an assistant. But which one? Puffy (Anthony O'Donnell), who favors making toys the old fashioned way, by hand? Or Patch, who favors an assembly line technique? Patch wins the job, but it's a hollow victory, because his toys suck and everyone's upset. Seeking to redeem himself to Santa, Patch runs away (?) and gets involved with corrupt toy tycoon B.Z. (John Lithgow). If you told me that all the dialogue spoken by B.Z. and his underling Towzer (Jeffrey Kramer) was previously rejected by Gene Hackman, Ned Beatty and Valerie Perrine, I'd believe you.

*Patch is shown several possible shapes for his new invention, lollipops that make people fly*

"That one."

"What color?"

"What color do you like?"

"I like puce."

"You would."

"What's puce?"

"It's like fuchsia, but a shade less lavender and a bit more pink."

"Towzer, sometimes I wonder about you."

The second half of Santa Claus is astonishing for how many wrong decisions are made. B.Z. and Santa are never in the same scene. B.Z. and his step-niece, Cornelia (Carrie Kei Heim, yet another of 1985's actors who moved on fairly quickly from show business) barely interact***. We're also asked to take "Corny" and street urchin Joe (Christian Fitzpatrick, who has an even smaller filmography than Heim) at their word that they've become such good friends. I'm not saying that they needed to dominate the movie, but I feel certain kids would be more interested in them than Patch being manipulated by B.Z. 

***They only seem to be related for the good of a plot twist, a certain sign that it isn't a good plot twist.

Earlier in the movie, the Ancient Elf decreed that Santa Claus has power over time on Christmas Eve. Essentially, until he finishes the job, it's alwyas 5 a.m. somewhere. Patch, on the other hand, never received this ability. I mention it because I guess we're encouraged to believe the ugly looking, high tech Patchmobile, which the special suckers are distributed from, can work as well as Santa's sleigh. The Patchmobile still ends up destroyed, thanks to candy canes that explode when exposed to heat and were set to be delivered by fall guy Patch on "Christmas II" (March 25). I feel dumber for typing that.

Patch and Joe are saved, thanks to Donner facing his fear of performing the "Super Duper Looper" trick. He's able to help guide Santa's sleigh under the Patchmobile when it's destroyed. And what would an '80s family story be without adoption? Faster than you can say "Will Ferrell," Joe and Corny are apparently set to be the newest elves in the workshop. All's well that ends well, including B.Z. being propelled to his doom somewhere out in space. And still, it's less bleak than One Magic Christmas.

"Now, hold on tight, and don't worry. You'll be as safe here as you are in your own home."

"I ain't got a home."

"*considers this* ... Do you know how to say, 'Yo'?"

"Yo?"

*The sleigh takes off*

Not Recommended.

Thoughts:

-- "Towzer ... how does Brazil sound to you?" "Brazil?" "Brazil. Sandy beaches, tropical breezes, big rum drinks with pineapple in them, senoritas in string bikinis, and -- oh, yes -- no extradition proceedings."

-- Box Office: Grossing $23.7 million on a budget somewhere between $30-$50 million, this opened at No. 2 and came in at No. 39 for 1985.

-- Critic's Corner, contemporary: "A film for children of all ages, but will probably skew best toward infancy or senility," Variety wrote. While he liked Lithgow's performance, Roger Ebert felt there wasn't much conflict. "The movie needs a super-Scrooge, and all it gets is the kind of bad guy Ralph Nader might have invented." Vincent Canby, meanwhile, felt Moore was "at his most desperate and least endearing" and the movie "manages to look both elaborate and tacky."

-- Critic's Corner, modern: This was both a My Year of Flops and Memory Wipe entry at The A.V. Club. Nathan Rabin: "A rather transparent attempt to spin a Superman-like franchise ... the moment the outside world comes into play the film's cornball charm starts to disappear." Marah Eakin: "Essentially two hour-long TV episodes ... Huddleston is a charming, albeit bland Santa ... It's not because the movie isn't full of enough Christmas cheer, but because it takes that cheer a little too seriously."

-- Once again, Alien Jesus had a tale to tell. "I will say that the Salikinds and Tri Star were pretty generous and flew scores of us exhibitors to the UK to Pinewood Studios to visit the production to get us revved up. The Santa workshop had to be one of the greatest sets I ever had the pleasure of visiting, so you have to understand how much anticipation there was that they were delivering an amazing film. They knew what they were doing. ... And then when the first trailer hit, yikes, everyone ran for cover."

-- Memorable Music: Once again, no points, but I want to call attention to two contributions. "It's Christmas (All Over The World)," sung by Sheena Easton, went on to some fame thanks to a cover by New Edition. I'd never heard either version until this year. The song, plus "Shouldn't Do That" by Kaja, co-exist with a score by Henry Mancini, with lyrics by Leslie Bricusse. In my mind, the scene where the Clauses first encounter what will be Santa's Workshop is a bit like what would have happened if Mancini scored another of Bricusse's movies, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Courtesy YouTube

-- "Now, all those within the sound of my voice and all those on this earth everywhere know, henceforth, you will be called ... Santa Claus. And now, everyone, Merry Christmas."

-- Next: Spies Like Us, Young Sherlock Holmes. On deck: Clue, The Jewel of the Nile. Coming soon: Out of Africa.