via Universal Pictures
"So ... what would you little maniacs like to do first?"
Roger Ebert, reviewing Weird Science, shared writer-director John Hughes' definition of a geek. "A geek is a guy who has everything going for him, but he's just too young. By contrast, a nerd will be a nerd all of his life." Roger liked the definition and I agree with the sentiment, but it also rubs me the wrong way. I mean, wasn't that the absolute worst part of Hughes' fame? That by design or reputation, he was like a sociologist specializing in teenagers and was so in tune with them? The guy looked like your vice principal! What self-respecting youth would ever admit to being like any of his characters?
Theoretically, Hughes was at his best with his less pretentious works ... many of which are problematic for modern audiences. Weird's adolescent heroes, Gary (Anthony Michael Hall, 16 during production) and Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith, 15), create a woman. Lisa (Kelly LeBrock) was designed with the intent of being used for sexual experimentation, but she ends up as more of a supernatural temporary lifestyle coach. Perhaps the boys shouldn't have included Houdini and David Lee Roth as figures for Lisa to emulate. The leads are likable, but Weird never quite recovers from the central bait-and-switch.
"Do you think Lisa's having a good time?"
"Lisa could have a good time at an insurance seminar, Wyatt."
Hall, one of the stronger performers in Hughes' previous movies, has the misfortune of leading two embarrassing scenes. First up, when Gary gets drunk at the Kandy Bar and starts talking in an "urban" voice. For the record, Janet Maslin thought "Hall's sudden affectation of a bluesy ghetto argot" was one of "a few funny turnabouts" (that's right, I'm leaving no critic unscathed here!). Shortly after, Lisa meeting the Wallaces (Barbara Lang and Britt Leach) devolves into a revelation of Gary's masturbation activity, followed by mother and son screaming at the top of their lungs.
In previous entries, I've commented on how Hughes seemed willing to tinker with an idea until he perfected it. That came to mind when watching Mitchell-Smith. Wyatt comes across slightly like Matthew Broderick playing Cameron Frye. In Mitchell-Smith's defense, he's a pretty good actor and is effective as the straight man to Hall, LeBrock and especially Bill Paxton. Chet (Paxton) is that rare beast among Hughes characters, someone who doesn't wilt under the absurdity. That's no small feat for a love to hate kind of guy who briefly ends up transformed into what may or may not be sentient shit.
"How 'bout a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?"
Weird wouldn't work as well as it does if it wasn't for LeBrock. She's certainly beautiful and has more to work with than in her previous movie, The Woman in Red. Lisa is considerably more interesting than Gary and Wyatt, making it a shame that Weird isn't told from her point of view. Could Ian (Robert Downey, Jr.) and Max (Robert Rusler) appreciate Lisa the way Gary and Wyatt do? I think not. Completing the ensemble, we have Deb (Suzanne Snyder, the blonde) and Hilly (Judie Aronson, the brunette), who seem to exist because it wouldn't make sense for Gary and/or Wyatt to live happily ever after with Lisa.
I'm this far into the review and I haven't even mentioned the totally insane party sequence. It's got everything. Well, except for chips, dips, chains and whips. A Black bartender offering to shove a bottle of scotch straight up Max's ass! Wyatt farting! Affronted old people, in this case Wyatt's grandparents (Ivor Barry and Ann Bernadette Coyle)! Fat chicks! A whole bunch of food gone quickly! Ian shitting in his pants! One kid getting trapped in the TV! Uninvited bikers, including the Lord General (Vernon Wells) and a teacher (!) getting his kicks (Michael Berryman)! A Pershing missile, as opposed to a whale's dick! The problem with memorable movie parties is that they often end up overshadowing the movies they're in. That's the case here.
Weird Science wasn't as hard to get through as I expected. That's not to say it's especially good. The whole thing's preposterous -- and now I can't wait to see Re-Animator for comparison purposes -- and yeah, the problematic aspects are a real drag. But there is a fair amount of charm. Score one for the geeks, and the (simulated) girl of their dreams.
"This isn't my car. This isn't my suit. Those weren't even my friends."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I want you to like me for what I am."
"Whatever you are, I like it."
Recommended with reservations.
Thoughts:
-- "We gotta make her as real as possible, Wyatt. I want her to live. I want her to breathe. I want her to aerobicize."
-- Box Office: Grossing $23.8 million on a $7.5 million budget, this opened at No. 4 and came in at No. 38 for 1985.
-- Critic's Corner: While Ebert called the movie Hughes' third consecutive success, Gene Siskel wasn't impressed. "(The) concluding 'respect yourself' message smacks of Hughes trying to add redeeming social value to what previously has been a tasteless romp through tired, grade-B teen movie situations," Siskel wrote. Rita Kempley: "(Hughes has) a sexist, racist, garbage comedy written in language you seldom see scratched on bus depot stalls." Variety: "Hughes' true gift is at capturing the naturalistic rhythms and interaction between the boys with a great ear for dialogue."
-- Everybody seemed to have seen it all before. Siskel: "(Lisa is), in effect, a sexy Blue Fairy to the boys, who have become a pair of shy but naughty Pinocchios." Kempley: "A sort of Porky's with disc drive ... (LeBrock) comes off like a pornographic Mary Poppins." David Denby: "Risky Business meets Ghostbusters."
-- Different Times: This and The Legend of Billie Jean are clearly from the era before toy guns had to look unrealistic.
-- "If you get the chance ... shower with them. I did. It's a mindscrambler. Oh, hurts so good!"
-- Awards Watch: Nominated for a Saturn Award in the younger performers category, Mitchell-Smith lost to Barret Oliver for D.A.R.Y.L. LeBrock, on the other hand, won the Female Star of Tomorrow Award at ShoWest, possibly in conjunction with her work in Red.
-- Speaking of LeBrock, she was cast at apparently the absolute right time. According to AFI's site, model Kelly Emberg was originally cast, but left within days after shooting began on Oct. 2, 1984. Red had opened less than two months earlier. I see that Demi Moore (maybe) and Robin Wright (not seeing it) also auditioned for Lisa. Anyway, according to AFI, production wrapped on Dec. 21, 1984.
-- Hey, It's ...!: John Kapelos and Wallace Langham.
-- Hey, It's 1985!
via Pinterest
-- Hey, It's the Mid-Eighties!: Weird obviously inspired this Pepsi commercial.
via YouTube
-- Memorable Music: The score is 35-24, favoring songs written for movies. There's two entries, "Weird Science" (which peaked at #45 on the Hot 100 in October 1985), and the relatively established "Tenderness," which didn't quite stand out like I remembered (and peaked at #27 in February 1985). Earning close but no cigar honors is Van Halen's cover of "(Oh) Pretty Woman" (peaked at #12 in April 1982), playing as Lisa catches everyone's attention in the mall.
-- Your eyes didn't deceive you. A lesbian was also among Lisa's admirers. I forget her name, but she was scripted to attend the party and when all hell breaks lose again -- gasp -- have her clothes transformed from butch to feminine!
-- Fanservice Junction: I'm of two minds about Wyatt wearing Lisa's panties. Weird was another movie I first saw at a very young age and yes, the scene stood out for me. As an adult, I'm thinking, (a) they sure sure away with a lot in the '80s and (b) they'd be more likely to cast an older actor today. There's less baggage attached to Paxton's bared butt and Kym Malin as the piano-playing party guest who loses her clothes. Siskel's review pointed out that thanks to Red, LeBrock didn't have to show as much skin this time around. Indeed, it's mostly teased, like when Lisa's buying lingerie.
-- "(to an elderly female clerk) If you were a 15-year-old boy, would these turn you on? ... I think so, too. I'll take them. ... Do you have a bra to match that ... something leather, rubber or barbed wire?" "Give me a break."
-- I should revisit the sitcom adaptation someday. I remember it being a fun, saucy show, just right for '90s basic cable (in this case, USA, which aired it on Saturdays).
-- Something I was not expecting: Wyatt asking Gary about his "girl in, um, Canada?" Weird would be a much different movie if Gary was actually Brian Johnson. Speaking of that, Shermer High School apparently has an old building (Weird) and a new building (Breakfast Club).
-- "Well, my nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that, I'm perfect!"
-- Next: Summer Rental and Volunteers (Mega-Post) and Year of the Dragon. Coming Soon: Teen Wolf.
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