Thoughts on The Legend of Billie Jean

via www.pride.com

"I'm Billie Jean Davy, and I wanna set the record straight. ... I'm not a liar, I'm not a thief, and neither is my brother. ... Mom, I don't know when we'll be comin' home, but we love you. I know people are making up stories about us. Don't you believe them. ... As for you, Mr. Pyatt. You are so sleazy. ... You think you can do anything you want and then lie about it and we just have to take it, because what are we? Just a bunch of kids. Well not this time. From now on we're doin' this our way. No lyin', no cheatin', fair is fair. ... Six-hundred-and-eight dollars for the scooter your son trashed. That's what you owe, and we're not turnin' ourselves in til we get it. Fair is fair! We didn't start this, we didn't mean it to happen, but we're not givin' up til you pay. FAIR IS FAIR!"

It's called small claims court, bitch, and it would have done you a world of good.

Then again, by this point in the movie, Billie Jean (Helen Slater) and her crew were dealing with more than the trashed scooter. Her brother Binx (Christian Slater), the scooter's owner, shot Mr. Pyatt (Richard Bradford). It was in the shoulder and Pyatt was trying to rape Billie Jean, but the shooting still caused the Davys and their buddies Putter (Yeardley Smith) and Ophelia (Martha Gehman) to panic and go on the run. The outlaw quintet is completed with Lloyd (Keith Gordon), a willing hostage who directs Billie Jean's video. He's also the son of a state attorney general candidate (Dean Stockwell). Oh, and did I mention this is all taking place in South Texas?

Written by Lawrence Konner & Mark Rosenthal, The Legend of Billie Jean depends on plot elements that are hopelessly dated now and contrived then. Even in 1985, was "his word against mine" still enough reason for Billie Jean (who otherwise keeps her wits about her) to behave the way she did? She doesn't have much reason to distrust Lt. Ringwald (Peter Coyote), who's already aware of the scooter situation and seems to have pegged Pyatt's perversion from the get-go. In 2020, all Ringwald and Billie Jean would have to do is send a couple texts or emails and they'd be on the same page. No muss, no fuss and no nut shots.

"Excuse me, young man, can you tell us what happened here today?"
"Well, these men were chasing this girl, and all of a sudden, she splashed through the fountain, and wrecked this man down the escalator."
"What do you think of this Billie Jean character?"
"She's a rebel, and uh ... I'm gonna personally ... I think they're picking on her because she's a girl, and I think that's disgusting."
"Well, there you have a woman's perspective ..."
"I thought it was awesome, this guy was chasing Billie Jean up the stairs, she turned around and kicked him in the nuts and kept on running, I thought it was hilarious. Billie Jean, if you're out there, I love you!"

Like many teen-centered movies, Billie Jean would benefit from some objectivity toward the characters. I applaud Billie Jean being resourceful and she's easily the most interesting member of her crew, but the screenwriters and director Matthew Robbins are clearly straining when Billie Jean goes from a girl in a bad situation to a modern day Joan of Arc, teen idol and righter of wrongs. Shoot, if Helen Slater hadn't already played Supergirl, she was certainly getting her chance as Billie Jean. One thing differentiates the roles: Supergirl didn't get fanservice moments like just avoiding showing her breasts while changing and wearing skimpy swimwear.

As for the rest of the cast ... Christian Slater has great chemistry opposite Helen. Gordon, Gehman and Smith are likable, but they're playing types, not characters. They might as well have subliminally flashed "Isn't she adorable?" during Putter's scenes. Still, the youth are better off than the adults. Bradford reaches the bottom early on, Stockwell's wasted and Coyote's ringmaster to the craziness. That wouldn't be a problem if the manipulation wasn't so apparent.

Which brings me to the finale, where Billie Jean finally reveals her near-rape and everyone's okay with letting Pyatt's souvenir stand and a giant statue of Billie Jean burn to the ground. I get why this was the finale. It's visually appealing and why not have the confrontation be in front of everybody? One detail I liked was how Pyatt' son, Hubie (Barry Tubb), who started the trouble in the first place, is appalled by the truth. But Billie Jean could have also mentioned what happened in her tape. Really, what was holding her back? Other than, again, the screenwriters needed the movie to end in a certain way.

"Everything's just crazy now."

"Sure it is. That's why you gotta be crazier than they are."

Not Recommended.

Thoughts:

-- Box Office: Grossing $3.1 million, this opened outside the Top 10 and came in at No. 129 for 1985.

-- Critic's Corner: "A nutty and trashy candidate for a treasured title: the best bad movie of the year," People wrote.

-- I found the photo for this article on a gay-themed site. Is The Legend of Billie Jean a lesbian cult movie? I know it's a cult movie in general. Googling resulted in information on Billie Jean King.

-- Memorable Music: We're at 31-21, favoring songs for movies. "Invincible" by Pat Benatar peaked at No. 10 on the Hot 100 in September 1985. It did better on the rock chart, reaching No. 4, and was also a Grammy nominee, losing to "One of the Living" from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. The other point went to a sped up "Rebel Yell," which played during the mall chase and escape scene.

-- For those keeping score, this is the first of two movies by Konner & Rosenthal on this year's viewing schedule. The other is The Jewel of the Nile. It's also the first of two for Coyote (Jagged Edge), second of two for Bradford (The Mean Season) and Tubb (Mask), first of three for Stockwell (To Live and Die in L.A. and Once Bitten, according to IMDB) and second of four for producers Peter Guber and Jon Peters (Vision Quest, Clue and The Color Purple).

-- Unless I missed it, we never learn the first names of either Mr. Pyatt or Mr. Muldaur.

-- "Can I have your autograph? Please?" "You know, my dad says you're gonna end up dead."

-- Next: The Black Cauldron, National Lampoon's European Vacation. On deck: Fright Night, Weird Science. Coming soon: Pee-wee's Big Adventure.