Thoughts on The Goonies

via IMDB

"Wow, you guys realize what we could do?"
"Nobody ever found nothing, you guys. I mean, why do you think this map would be up here in this attic when it could be in some safety deposit box? Alright?"
"That's right. And anyway, if Chester Copperpot didn't find it, how would we find it?"
"But, what if? You guys, just what if this map could lead to One-Eyed Willy's rich stuff? Then we wouldn't have to leave the goon docks."
"Come on, Mike. I don't want to go on anymore of your crazy Goonie adventures."

Once was not enough for Chris Columbus, Richard Donner and Steven Spielberg. The brain trust behind The Goonies, these guys weren't content for Mikey (Sean Astin) to have one rallying the troops moment, for there to be enough fleeting thrills to fill one fun house, for there to be one comic relief character among the seven young leads ... We end up with a movie that's exciting but overwhelming, as muddled as the three men's exact roles behind the camera.

Soon to be evicted from their homes, a gang of ragtag adolescents end up going on a treasure hunt. It takes them underground and in the path of the Fratellis (Robert Davi, Joe Pantoliano and Anne Ramsey), who the movie never quite gets a handle on. Mama and her boys are evil enough to kill a federal agent and neglect deformed brother Sloth (John Matuszak), but they've also got bumbling qualities. Maybe it's me, but it's hard to take seriously any villain who gets his nuts injured. I wouldn't be surprised if the powers that be weren't sure if they'd have to re-edit the movie for more or less family appeal. Compare the Fratellis' depiction to how the kids' silliness and sensitivity were handled. Over-indulgently, yes, but also with consistency.

"Mikey, Mikey, come on, our parents are worried. It's dinnertime. Why don't we go home?"
"Home? What home? In a couple more hours, it ain't gonna be home anymore. Come on, guys, this is our time. Our last chance to see if there really is any rich stuff. We've got to."

I'm still uncertain if The Goonies was trying to tell too much story or if a thin plot was stretched too far. About midway through (see below), the "We can save the neighborhood!" aspect is put on hold, with Mikey and the movie makers admitting it's become an adventure for adventure's sake situation. With a lesser movie, this would be intolerable, but it's to everyone's credit that we do want to hang around. We're rewarded with more of J. Michael Riva's production design, including the ship.

Of the seven young leads, the crown obviously goes to Astin. He's a little over the top, but it feels real. We've all seen or been that kid who is excitedly biting off more than they can chew, pressing every button they can for the good of something that means a lot to them, even if it's only been an idea for a short time. Mikey's speeches are easy to make fun of, but Astin rises to the occasion.

"Don't you realize? The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the best of stuff for us. But right now, they got to do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time! Up there! Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket."

The remaining sextet of Goonies are divided fairly evenly. We've got the older kids (Josh Brolin, Kerri Green and Martha Plimpton), with the Brand and Andy romance walking the tightrope between clear enough to matter and subdued enough to not bore the youngest moviegoers. Stef (Plimpton) also kinda fits in with the comic relief (Jeff Cohen, Corey Feldman and Jonathan Ke Huy Quan). Each boy does what he can with a type: Chunk's the Jewish fatty, Mouth's the wisecracking (relative) brainiac and Data talks fast and idolizes James Bond.

If you haven't guessed by now, I hadn't seen The Goonies until this week. That wasn't an automatic strike against the movie. I did try to engage with it and I have no problem understanding why it has such a loyal fan base. I just wish the end result was cleaner.

"Hi Willie. ... Oh, I'm Mike Walsh. You've been expecting me, haven't you? Well, I made it. I beat you. I got here in one piece ... so far. ... So ... that's why they call you One-Eyed Willie ... One-Eyed Willie. We have a lot in common, huh, Willie? You know something, Willie? You're the first Goonie. ... Yo. Hi guys. How's it going? This is Willie ... One-Eyed Willie. Say hi, Willie. Those are my friends ... the Goonies. ... How long have you guys been standing there?"

"Long enough, Mikey. Long enough."

Not Recommended.

Thoughts:

-- "... Just like that last prank about all those little creatures that multiply when you throw water on them?"

-- Box Office: Grossing nearly $61.4 million on a $19 million budget, this opened at No. 3 and came in at No. 9 for the year.

-- Critic's Corner, the movie: "It doesn't even pretend to court the grown-up set," Janet Maslin wrote. Roger Ebert: "There's not just a thrill a minute; there's a thrill, a laugh, a shock and a special effect." Richard Corliss, Time: "Dense, oppressively frenetic, heavy on the slapstick and low on the charm meter, the film asks to be experienced, not cherished."

-- Critic's Corner, the kids: "Only Martha Plimpton displays any resources as an actor," according to Paul Attanasio. The others ranged "from inoffensive (Astin) to aggressively cute (Cohen) to intolerable (Feldman)." David Denby sorta liked Cohen, saying he was "consistently funny."

-- Critic's Corner, Spielberg: "He doesn't have to make movies anymore," Attanasio wrote. "He can simply franchise his formula to others." David Edelstein, Rolling Stone: "He has begun to imitate, even parody, himself." Several critics weren't buying that he only provided the story and served as executive producer.

-- Hey, It's 1985!: The critics also complained that much of the dialogue was hard to understand. People: "A visual and aural assault." I didn't have any issues while watching the movie in 2020, so I'm assuming at some point, the soundtrack was cleaned up and/or slowed down. It's a pity they didn't spruce up the special effects during the "bats" sequence.
-- Hey, It's 2020!: I haven't had time to watch Reunited Apart. Does anyone want to give highlights?
-- "Andy! ... You Goonie!" Poor Troy, first getting blasted off the toilet, then getting dumped.
-- I wonder how many people seeing Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade were delighted (or disappointed) when it also included a floor whose stability was dependent on one's knowledge.

-- Also, between this movie and Pee-wee's Big Adventure, Warner Bros. sure liked comedies with Rube Goldberg machines. We'll have to see if any others come up in this year's viewing.

-- Awards Watch: Ramsey won the Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actress, while Cohen was nominated in the young actor category. There's some disagreement over whether or not Astin won a Youth in Film Award, but it is commonly accepted that Cohen, Feldman, Plimpton and the movie were nominated.

-- Memorable Music: We're at 21-13 in favor of songs written for movies. Cyndi Lauper's "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough" peaked at No. 10 in July 1985 and featured two epic music videos with cast members and cameos ranging from most of the movie's leads (minus Kerri Green) to the wrestlers Cyndi was hanging out with at the time to The Bangles and Spielberg.

via YouTube

-- This was spoofed in MAD as "The Goofies," For whatever reason, Stef wasn't depicted. One of the best exchanges is when two African-American youth observe that there's no black kids in the movie and that the NAACP wrote the producers about it. "They sent a protest note?" "No, a 'Thank You' note!" The Chunk takeoff is also initially dismissive of the document directing its recipients to go down into a filthy, dark hole and place themselves in great danger. "That's no treasure map, you schmucks! It's a map of the New York City Subway System!" Along with alluding to the cut octopus sequence (the Andy takeoff confuses "tentacles" for "testicles"), "Goofies" has a good enough ending. The kids are arrested because they actually broke into the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

-- Speaking of the ending, I'm doubting that the Goonies had enough jewels to equal the value of their entire neighborhood's houses. Mikey and Brand's house, sure. But the whole Goon Docks? That said, I think it's sweet that One-Eyed Willy's ship sailed off into parts unknown. If the movie was made today, I'm envisioning a mid-credits sequence where shares of the loot keep mysteriously getting dispersed to people in need around the world. From there, a post-credits sequence where once the last of the ill-gotten gains is gone, One-Eyed Willy and his crew get their belated eternal reward.

-- "Kids suck."

-- Next: Perfect. Next weekend: Prizzi's Honor. On deck: Cocoon, Return to Oz.