Thoughts on The Last Dragon

via IMDB

"Playtime's over, boy."

The sentiment may be true for our hero, Leroy Green (Taimak) and Sho'nuff, the "Shogun of Harlem" (Julius J. Carry III), but it doesn't apply to their movie. The Last Dragon unfolds like something being dreamed up by kids at play. The story is simple, repetitive and familiar. It's not even that surprising that "The Glow" translates to actual colored energy exuded from bodies. The filmmakers, including director Michael Schultz, writer Louis Venosta and producer Berry Gordy, already tipped their hats to The Karate Kid and Footloose. Why shouldn't they pay their respects to Star Wars?

Leroy, who's reached Last Dragon-level proficiency in martial arts, is searching for "The Master" to help him use the force ... sorry, achieve the glow. No points for guessing where Leroy finds The Master. While the audience waits for the inevitable, Leroy, his family and his friends are menaced by Sho'nuff ("Am I the meanest?" "Sho'nuff!" "Am I the prettiest?" "Sho'nuff!" "Am I the baddest mofo lowdown around this town?" "Sho'nuff!"). Leroy's also falling in love with Laura (Vanity), a TV hostess who's gotten on the bad side of Eddie Arkadian (Chris Murney) for not playing the music video starring his nasal-voiced, outrageously coiffed girlfriend, Angela (Faith Prince).

"Where you gonna go, Angie? Without me, you're nothing! Without that outfit, you're just another no talent dental hygiene school dropout from Kew Gardens getting by! On her tits!"

"(Unintelligible) Eddie, you know what? You're nothing but a misguided, midget asshole with dreams of ruling the world. Yeah, also from Kew Gardens. And also getting by on my tits."

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Elocution class!"

Every so often, The Last Dragon's seemingly disparate elements blend well together and there's a good enough scene or performance. Murney and Prince are fun. Vanity had presence if nothing else. And Taimak was handsome. I mostly liked the relationship between Leroy and his adolescent brother Richie (Leo O'Brien), who has a crush on Laura. It's obvious that the two Ls will end up together, but it's not because Richie is lacking swag. 

As Richie tells Leroy, there's an art to making love. "And you don't even have a paint brush." Things go a little too far shortly after (Leroy is informed that "it can really hurt if you don't know what you're doing"), but I can't stay mad at Richie. I mean, c'mon, he popped and locked his way out of ropes and survived hitting his head on some metal cylinder after Sho'nuff tossed him. Speaking of "Kids, don't try this at home!" stunts, we have the finale, where Leroy catches Eddie's bullet in his teeth. 

While it's hard not to feel that The Last Dragon's whole is less than the sum of its parts -- all that ripping off, and this is as good as it was? -- there is still a goofy charm to the whole affair.

"Sometimes it is hard to live the way of the wise."

"Huh?"

Recommended with reservations.

Thoughts:

-- Box Office: Grossing $25.7 million on a $10 million budget, this opened at No. 4 and came in at No. 33 for 1985.

-- Critic's Corner: "(It) has the kind of energy that's hardly ever seen in movies anymore," Paul Attanasio wrote. "The screen vibrates with it." "Designed for those who can't bear the monotony of only one thought or sound or activity at a time," according to Janet Maslin. "It's so entertaining that I could almost recommend it," Roger Ebert wrote. The problem was, he didn't like the Eddie and Angela storyline. "Take out the gangsters, pump up the Shogun role, give Taimak and Vanity a little more screen time, and you'd have a great entertainment instead of simply a great near-miss."

-- Another missed opportunity has to be the apparently enormous piranha kept in a tank at Eddie and Angela's. It's used for the obligatory gag where a large amount of meat on a bone is quickly eaten. Later, Eddie is briefly dunked in the tank, but he only winds up wet, not bloody.

-- Memorable Music: The score is tied at 11-11. The Last Dragon had five notable songs, even if I didn't like all of them. In order: the title song, performed by Dwight David; "Rhythm of the Night," performed by my fellow Grand Rapids, Michigan natives, DeBarge (No. 3 on the Billboard Hot 100 and No. 1 on both the Adult Contemporary and R&B charts.); "7th Heaven" ("It's wonderfully eccentric; a camp classic, just like the film itself," Dystopian Dance Party wrote.);

"Dirty Books," performed by Prince (Gordy, according to Prince, was interested in having her as Motown's Cyndi Lauper-style singer; she wisely passed); and "Fire," performed by Charlene. "Fire" is notable for two reasons: a, it's proof that Charlene didn't just sing "I've Never Been to Me"; and b, it's video is shown in-universe merely because Eddie was messing around with the equipment at 7th Heaven. I did like how Rock easily knew the song's title and singer, though. Henchmen gotta be hip.

-- Awards Watch: While "Rhythm of the Night" was a Golden Globe nominee, the title song and "7th Heaven" were up for Razzies.

-- Great Moments in Shilling: Laura's Video Hotpix is sponsored by Coca-Cola and the music credits includes a commercial jingle sung by DeBarge. At the time, Coke owned Columbia Pictures, which was co-owner of TriStar Pictures. 

-- I still think Cyndi Lauper kinda got a raw deal in the music-movies exchange going on in the mid-'80s. She didn't have a Desperately Seeking Susan or a Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, she wasn't involved in Girls Just Want to Have Fun and I don't think "Goonies 'R' Good Enough" was as beneficial for her career as it could have been. That said, I should give Vibes a watch sometime. 

-- On a final musical note, I'll mention that the majority of the choreography was by Lester Wilson (Saturday Night Fever, Sister Act). "Fire" was choreographed by Lawrence R. Leritz (Total Stretch!).

-- Hey, It's ...!: Keshia Knight Pulliam, Chazz Palminteri and William H. Macy.

-- "Richie, when I first started my business, people said I was weird. A black man with a pizza shop. Now, there isn't a hungry soul in this town that doesn't know my slogan, 'Just direct-a your feet-sa to Daddy Green's Pizza.'"

-- Next: Desperately Seeking Susan. On deck: Girls Just Want to Have Fun.