What's On Tonight (Saturday): Finally, we know what Christmas in Montana is like

Christmas in Montana (via Giphy)

Hello! All right people, gather around and take note. This is the only time this year I will give one of these seasonal Christmas movies my prestigious Top Pick. The pickings are slim, and I'm saving the better options for a later date. Plus, this particular movie, Christmas in Montana, stars Kellie Martin, whom I adore. AND it's in a state where Christmas season could be a mystery to you. What happens in Montana anyway? I've seen Yellowstone... a shady state indeed. Elsewhere, ScarJo spent the week hanging with her man for SNL hosting duties, Steven Universe Future enters week 2, Lupin the Third wraps up, a Best Pic premieres, a forgotten superhero flick debuts, and Police Story and Land of the Giants cycle back. Oh, just one more thing, here's what's on television for tonight, Saturday, December 14!

💻 STREAMING / EARLY PRIMETIME

Best Christmas Ball Ever 🎥🎄 (Ion, 7 p.m.): Blonde white girl falls for a guy during the holidays.

Columbo 📺 (Cozi TV, 7 p.m.): First up for our star detective, surgeon Leonard Nimoy has an ingenious plan for murdering his research partner, but nurse Anne Francis is onto him. Later, chess player Laurence Harvey murders his opponent before a big match.

Doctor Who 📺 (Retro TV, 6 p.m.): The Doctor and Sarah Jane must get these damn dinosaurs back to their own time.✔️

Matchmaker Christmas 🎥🎄 (Lifetime, 6 p.m.): Blonde white girl falls for a guy during the holidays.

FOR THE RECORD: Chocolate (Netflix, 3 a.m.); Criminal Confessions (Oxygen, 6 p.m.); Homicide for the Holidays (Oxygen, 7 p.m.); Overhaulin' (MotorTrend, 3 a.m.)

Doctor Who, "Invasion of the Dinosaurs" (via Giphy)

🕗 EASTERN / 🕖 CENTRAL

A Christmas Winter Song 🎥🎄 (Lifetime, 8 p.m.): A Christmas shop owner, forms a special musical bond with a former jazz singer, who wants to reconnect with family.

Crikey! It's the Irwins (Animal Planet, 8 p.m.): Robert and Terri release three rescued sea turtles near the Great Barrier Reef. Just in time for Caturday, Bindi awaits the birth of the zoo's first tiger cub (aka KITTY) in years. Richie helps a baby wallaby.

Hellboy 🎥 (HBO, 8 p.m.): The 2019 reboot of the wonderful Dark Horse comic is here! "Yay!" said no one. Go watch del Toro's two films, which I'd rank better than nearly all MCU movies.✔️

Holiday Date 🎥🎄 (Hallmark Channel, 8 p.m.): Blonde white girl falls for a guy during the holidays.

Holiday Heist 🎥🎄 (BET, 8 p.m.): A man gets a job at a struggling family-owned jewelry store and winds up falling for the owner's daughter. He does everything he can to save the store, the family and his newfound love.

Most Likely to Murder 🎥 (Lifetime Movie Network, 8 p.m.): A popular cheerleader's life is turned upside down after a house fire kills her father.

Steven Universe Future (Cartoon Network, 8 p.m.): Steven questions the motives of a mysterious fusion that suddenly shows up at his house. Later, in "A Very Special Episode" (that's the episode title), Rainbow Quartz 2.0 promised to hang out with Onion the same day Sunstone scheduled a home safety geminar. Onion!!

Svengoolie: The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll 🎥 (MeTV, 8 p.m.): From 1960, Paul Massie and Christopher Lee star in this meh but intriguing reimagination of the classic novel.

FOR THE RECORD: Caribbean Life (HGTV); Real Life Nightmare (HLN); New Japan Pro Wrestling (AXS TV)

Hellboy (via Giphy)

🕘 EASTERN / 🕗 CENTRAL

⭐ Christmas in Montana 🎥🎄 (Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, 9 p.m.): A Christmas movie inspired by the real life of Kellie Martin and her husband... without any mention of her character's exit from ER, probably. She goes to Montana and finds a guy (Colin Ferguson, in this version) and you know what happens next. Besides Palimpsest with a minor, who I think lives in Montana, I don't think anyone here is in Montana, so FINALLY we will know what happens in this state during the holidays!

The Magical Cracker 🎥 (Showtime, 8 p.m.): At last, the Academy Award-winner for Best Picture that solved racism comes to premium TV. Though Mahershala Ali is really, really good in it. Underused and his character isn't done justice... but a great performance from him.✔️

FOR THE RECORD: Dr. Oakley Yukon Vet (Nat Geo Wild); Full Custom Garage (Motor Trend); Ghost Adventures (Travel Channel); Live PD (A&E); Mexico Life (HGTV)

The Magical Cracker (via Tumblr)

🕙 EASTERN / 🕘 CENTRAL

The Shop: Uninterrupted (HBO, 10 p.m.): A special episode where LeBron James and Maverick Carter are joined by CC Sabathia, Will Smith, Chance the Rapper, Martin Lawrence, and Paul Rivera to chat about life while sitting at a barbershop.✔️

FOR THE RECORD: Beach Hunters (HGTV); Building Giants (Science); Destination Fear (Travel Channel); Ready to Love (OWN, finale); The Secret Life of the Zoo (Animal Planet)

🕚 EASTERN / 🕙 CENTRAL

Diff'rent Strokes 📺 (Decades, 11 p.m.): After last week's Facts of Life binge, this weekend visit its parent show, Diff'rent Strokes, a mediocre '80s family sitcom with a great theme song. (Sorry, the blackface episode isn't scheduled.) In this two-parter, Arnold meets a girl while in the hospital, whose dad turns out to be racist.✔️

My Hero Academia (Adult Swim, 11 p.m.): The work study students from U.A. attend a meeting of heroes and leave with new resolve.

One Punch Man (Adult Swim, 11:30 p.m.): The Hero Association receives a warning that they must rescue Waganma from the Monster Association within three days.

FOR THE RECORD: Hawaii Life (HGTV)

💤💤😴💤💤

Black Clover (Adult Swim, 2 a.m.): A member of the Crimson Lions under enemy influence attacks his squad as Leo moves to defend them. Fuegoleon awakens with powerful new abilities.

Demon Slayer (Adult Swim, 1:30 a.m.): Two demons save Tanjiro and Nezuko and offer them shelter. Tanjiro learns of a way to restore his sister's humanity.

Dr. Stone (Adult Swim, midnight): Ruri reveals how the village got its name and that she has known Senku's story since she was a child. Senku discovers what happened to his father.

Fire Force (Adult Swim, 12:30 a.m.): Licht determines that the White-Clad may be based in the underground area known as the Nether.

Food Wars! (Adult Swim, 1 a.m.): Hoshino's curry is judged and the Aldini brothers face off. The judges almost forget Megumi.

The Invaders 📺 (MeTV, midnight): Aliens infiltrate a publishing empire as the first step in taking over the nation's news media. Fake news! Alien news! They're here already!

Is Lupin Still Burning? (Adult Swim, 3 a.m.): SPECIAL. Adult Swim finishes the current Lupin the Third franchise with this memorial anime episode that celebrates the 50th anniversary of the manga series that is essentially a remake of the first episode.

JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Golden Wind (Adult Swim, 2:30 a.m.): The gang learns that Zucchero's partner lies in wait for an ambush at the upcoming port, so Giorno and Mista fly ahead to Capri to do reconnaissance.

Land of the Giants 📺 (MeTV, 3 a.m.): The first episode of this cheesy Irwin Allen series and one of the show's best. See the crew discover they are little people on the world they crash landed on.

Lost in Space 📺 (MeTV, 1 a.m.): The Robinsons manage to construct a small space ship that they plan to use to return to Earth. Dr. Smith and Will launch the craft but wind up returning back on the original planet.

Police Story 📺 (Heroes & Icons, 1 a.m.): The police anthology cycles over.

Raven 📺 (getTV, 2 a.m.): In the late night, check out this short-lived CBS action drama about Jonathan Raven, a ninja and ex-Special Forces soldier.✔️

The Time Tunnel 📺 (MeTV, 4 a.m.): The Robin Hood episode! It is terrible!!

LATE-NIGHT TV

The Greg Gutfeld Show (Fox News, 10 p.m.): Carley Shimkus, Charlie Hurt, Kat Timpf, and Tyrus
Johnny Carson 📺 (Antenna TV, 10 p.m.): Bob Hope, Dick Van Patten, and Gil Fates (21 Dec 1978)
Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:29 p.m.): Scarlett Johansson and Niall Horan (live-thread page)
SNL Vintage 📺 (NBC, 10 p.m.): Alec Baldwin and Luciano Pavarotti (12 Dec 1998)

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Note: All times are Eastern.

Key Sources: The Futon Critic (outline); Zap2it (descriptions); TV Passport (throwbacks)
⭐: Top pick(s)
📺: Throwback
🎥: Movie
🎄: Holiday-themed program
✔️: Midlevel video/gif included

Happy watching, everyone!