What's On Tonight (Wednesday): To the fire station!

Chicago Fire (via Giphy)

CHI-TOWN ASSEMBLE! Except for the lawyers. You're still cancelled. It's the first Wednesday of the new fall season, so this night is chock-full of premieres (and a couple finales)! Last season, this night offered us All American, The Masked Singer, Million Dollar Mile, A Million Little Things, Schooled, Single Parents, Whiskey Cavalier, and The World's Best during the regular season. Will Stumptown, the only broadcast freshman tonight, be better than that slate (which isn't difficult to top, IMO). Not to be left out, FXX and Comedy Central roll out their premieres, too. However, a few retro premieres have creeped into the listings. They aren't just any old listings, they are series premieres from years past when September 25 was also a Wednesday (FWIW, there have been eight during television's existence). Don't like it? Whateva, I do what I want! Here's what's on television for tonight, Wednesday, September 25, 2019!

💻 STREAMING

Abstract: The Art of Design (Netflix, 3 a.m.): This docuseries that highlights artists in the field of design is back for season two.

Birders (Netflix, 3 a.m.): A look at bird watchers at the U.S.-Mexico border who are enthusiastic about protecting and preserving birdies.

Glitch (Netflix, 3 a.m.): This paranormal Austrailian import about seven people who returned from the dead returns for a third season.

Liza on Demand (YouTube, 3 a.m.): Liza is back for season two and still trying to survive in the gig economy.

Wu-Tang: An American Saga (Hulu, 3 a.m.): ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

EARLY PRIMETIME

Hunter Street (TeenNick, 7:30 p.m.): With the eclipse rapidly approaching and the final riddle solved, the kids must put their heads together and figure out how to stop their enemy and get to the treasure first.

Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In 📺 (Decades, 7 p.m.): First up is Peter Falk, Marcel Marceau, Jack Benny, and Henny Youngman. Later, there is Johnny Carson, Paul Winchell, and Billy Barnes.

FOR THE RECORD*: The Fixers (BYUtv)

Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (via Giphy)

🕗 EASTERN / 🕖 CENTRAL

Back in the Game (ABC, 8:30 p.m.): After The Middle, there is this really bland and boring pilot...

Chicago Med (NBC, 8 p.m.): PREMIERE. To the hospital for season five! Will and Natalie battle for their lives after a car accident. An investigation is launched following the suspicious death of Cornelius Rhodes. Dr. Charles cuts his honeymoon short to tend to a patient... because he's a good doctor?

Country Music (PBS, 8 p.m.): FINALE. In the finale, the documentary surveys the mid-80s through the mid-90s with artists such as George Strait, Randy Travis and the Judds, who supposedly worked to keep country music true to its roots. Then there's Garth Brooks and the return of Johnny Cash.

Doctor Who 📺 (Retro TV, 8 p.m.): In the first half of this serial, the Zolfa-Thuran plant Meglos steals a huge source of power on the planet Tigella known as the Dodecahedron.

ER 📺 (Pop, 8:15 p.m.): In one of the series' early masterpieces, "Love's Labor Lost," Dr. Benton has to deal with the aftermath of his mother's fall. Dr. Greene deals with Jodi O'Brien who is two weeks away from giving birth. With the obstetrics attending unavailable, he decides to try to deliver her baby, and... FEELINGS!

Glynis (CBS, 8:30 p.m.): In this sitcom about a wife-and-husband duo who solve crimes...

The Goldbergs (ABC, 8 p.m.): PREMIERE. In 1980-something, Beverly insists the family take a road trip to go on vacation before Erica and Barry go off to college. Where? Disneyland (because corporate synergy!) Also, Erica worries about her relationship with Geoff when he tells her they need to talk. I was going to watch one more episode before I dropped this show, and... this episode sounds like a pass.

The Insiders (ABC, 8 p.m.): In this Miami Vice-like ripoff about a reporter and a hustler... you don't care. Let's be real, you only care about the Dynasty  premiere and who survived the Moldavia massacre.

The Masked Singer (Fox, 8 p.m.): PREMIERE. When this premiered, Whistler said in the WOT headline "Oh boy, this looks terrible" (2 Jan 2019). I still laugh at that and believe it to be true.

Schooled (ABC, 8:30 p.m.): PREMIERE. Lainey is excited to be back to work, but Mellor warns her that being a pal to her students is not a good idea, a concept she didn't learn last year(?). Principal Glascott introduces the newest science teacher to the faculty, but CB is skeptical of her no-nonsense approach.

Survivor: Island of the Idols (CBS, 8 p.m.): PREMIERE. The 39th(!!) season stays in Fiji and features Sandra Diaz-Twine (Survivor: Pearl Islands, Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains) and "Boston Rob" Mariano (Survivor: Redemption Island) as mentors.

FOR THE RECORD*: Basketball Wives (VH1); WWE NXT (USA)

🕘 EASTERN / 🕗 CENTRAL

Big Brother (CBS, 9:30 p.m.): FINALE. Season 21 ends with someone probably being the winner.

Buzz 🎥 (HBO, 9 p.m.): This documentary profiles Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist (Vanity Fair) and author (Friday Night Lights) Buzz Bissinger is known for getting his subjects to open up. Now, it's his turn to open up.

Charlie & Co. (CBS, 9 p.m.): In this Cosby Show ripoff starring Flip Wilson...

⭐ Chicago Fire (NBC, 9 p.m.): PREMIERE. Season eight??! The fire station gang get called toa mattress factory when a fire springs out of control. Truck and squad lay it on the line in hopes of getting the trapped victims out alive.

David Makes Man (OWN, 9 p.m.): Raynan and David discuss their new plan. Seren attends Halloween at The Ville, where unlikely romantic connections are revealed.

Modern Family (ABC, 9 p.m.): PREMIERE. Kicking off season 11 (and season 8 of not being good), Haley is determined to follow the advice in her parenting books, but Phil and Claire think their old methods are better. DITCH DYLAN, HALEY! Manny is set to direct Jay's dog bed commercial in hopes of winning his ex-girlfriend back. I wanted my Cancellation League points last season ABC!!!

Single Parents (ABC, 9:30 p.m.): PREMIERE. Summer isn't over for the these parents! The kids are away for the summer, and the gang looks forward to their freedom... Angie obsesses over writing the world's longest email to her ex, and Douglas inexplicably ghosts Poppy on their first date.

Suits (USA, 9 p.m.): SERIES FINALE. As the firm faces potential destruction, the partners must go all-in to save it in the last episode. Will they do enough in time? Probably.

FOR THE RECORD*: America Says 💲 (Game Show Network); Bitchin' Rides (Motor Trend); Black Ink Crew (VH1); Building Giants (Science); The Challenge (MTV); Dog's Most Wanted (WGN); Expedition Unknown (Discovery Channel); Forged in Fire (History); Guy's Grocery Games (Food Network); Homicide Hunter: Lt. Joe Kenda (ID); Hypnotize Me (The CW, finale); I Was Prey (Animal Planet); Making Good (BYUtv, 9:30 p.m.); Man's Greatest Food (Cooking Channel); NFL: The Grind (Epix); Property Brothers (HGTV); Random Acts (BYUtv); The Real Housewives of Dallas (Bravo)

🕙 EASTERN / 🕘 CENTRAL

American Horror Story: 1984 (FX, 10 p.m.): The description says "Darkness descends upon the camp; although it's lights out, evil has no curfew." [*rolls eyes to back of head*]

Cake (FXX, 10:30 p.m.): SERIES PREMIERE. FXX re-enters the late night scripted game with this animation and live-action short-form program. The show is said to be an incubator for possible future FXX programs. Does anyone remember the CBS Saturday morning sitcom Cake? [*crickets*]

Chicago P.D. (NBC, 10 p.m.): PREMIERE. To the police station for season 7! When Kelton is found murdered, Voight's grudge against the mayor-elect puts him under suspicion, and Upton and Halstead are eager to prove their sergeant's innocence. However, the more evidence they gather, the closer they come to doing the opposite.

Crank Yankers (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.): PREMIERE. After 12 years away, Comedy Central brings back the show about pranks. The new season includes pranks on social media and other platforms.

The Danny Kaye Show (CBS, 10 p.m.): The film star comes to the small screen for a weekly variety show...

Good & Evil (ABC, 10:30 p.m.): ABC is going for a full three-hour comedy block, closing with this Susan Harris sister sitcom with Teri Garr and Margaret Whitton...

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FXX, 10 p.m.): PREMIERE. "The Gang Gets Romantic" when Mac concocts a scheme to attract single women to rent Dennis' bedroom while Frank and Charlie make similar plans to draw in young, European coeds. I get the suspicious feeling that neither ad ends up attracting their intended target.

MDs (ABC, 10 p.m.): It's now the battle of the medical shows with Presidio Med versus fellow freshman MDs...

South Park (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.): PREMIERE. We move from the South Side to the South Park. At this moment, the only information I could find for this season 23 opener is the episode title, "Mexican Joker." This won't be the last season. It's already been renewed for another three seasons.

Stumptown (ABC, 10 p.m.): SERIES PREMIERE. Based on the graphic novels, Robin Scherbatsky Maria Hill Dex Parios (Cobie Smulders), a military veteran, tries to stay out of trouble while working as a private investigator in Portland, Oregon, where she also takes care of her brother and tries to get out of debt. Is a spinoff of Portlandia? I hope so.

FOR THE RECORD*: Black Ink Crew: Compton (VH1) Garage Squad (Motor Trend); House Hunters/House Hunters: International (HGTV); Jay Leno's Garage (CNBC); Monster Ships (Science); Mountain Monsters (Travel Channel); The Murder Tapes (ID)

🕚 EASTERN / 🕙 CENTRAL

FOR THE RECORD: Contact (Discovery Channel)

Late-Night Talk & Satire

Conan (TBS, 11 p.m.): Gary Gulman
The D.L. Hughley Show (TV One, 11 p.m.): Deon Cole
The Daily Show with Trevor Noah (Comedy Central, 11 p.m.): Nick Cannon
The Dick Cavett Show 📺 (Decades, 9 p.m.): Stephen King, Ira Levin, George Romero, and Peter Straub (30 Oct 1980)
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee (TBS, 10:30 p.m.)
Jimmy Kimmel Live! (ABC, 11:35 p.m.): Joe Biden, Cobie Smulders, and James Blake
Johnny Carson 📺 (Antenna TV, 10 p.m.): Henry Stenhouse, Barbara Hershey, and Jeff Cesario (17 May 1990)
The Late Late Show with James Corden (CBS, 12:37 a.m.): Ashley Tisdale, Taran Killam, and Cherry Glazerr
Late Night with Seth Meyers (NBC, 12:37 a.m.): Anna Kendrick, Kal Penn, and Edi Patterson
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (CBS, 11:35 p.m.): Renee Zellweger and Walton Goggins
Lights Out with David Spade (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.): Greg Fitzsimmons, Annie Lederman, and Bill Engvall
A Little Late with Lilly Singh (NBC, 1:37 a.m.): Anna Faris
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (NBC, 11:34 p.m.): Robert De Niro, Jameela Jamil, and Bastille
Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen (Bravo, 11 p.m.): Andi Dorfman and Stephanie Hollman

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Sources*: The Futon Critic for Streaming & For the Record; TV Passport for throwbacks; Zap2it for full listings
⭐: Top pick(s)
💲: Game show
📺: Throwback
🎥: Movie

Happy watching, everyone!

-------------------------

*To cut down on the time spent gathering these, For the Records will be based on The Futon Critic listings, which are (in my estimation) about 98% accurate. I used to double check them against Zap2it, but that's become too much effort.