What's On Tonight (Friday): I Told You About Strawberry Fields...

Glass Onion

I find myself more and more enjoying "whodunnits."  Perhaps that is just a consequence of age.  Older people seem to be the main audience for this sort of thing but judging by the box office for Knives Out, the younger people like them as well.  I enjoyed Knives Out, though I found the central mystery a bit disappointing.  That might have been because I didn't see it in theaters and had read almost nothing but praise for it and its central mystery.  The mystery was fine, but the draw was the cast.  Glass Onion also has a hell of a cast and is also getting a lot of praise (93% on Rotten Tomatoes as of Dec 22).  Hopefully I'll enjoy the mystery more this time, but Kathryn Hahn is in the cast so we can all probably just assume it was Agatha all along.

TOP PICK

⭐🎥 Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'World-famous detective Benoit Blanc heads to Greece to peel back the layers of a mystery surrounding a tech billionaire and his eclectic crew of friends.'

Elsewhere...

*We've got three new Christmas films today, all of which appear to be a cut above the usual Hallmark fare but not necessarily by much.  One has a female protagonist who is smart at work but dumb at love.  One has a female protagonist who is smart at work but dumb at family.  One has a male and a female protagonist who are supposed to be smart but do dumb shit most smart people would never do.  I have no idea if any are good, but the first one was filmed in Scotland, and the second one has Keith David, so at least they have that going for them.  As for the third, at least it's kind of going for something a little different?

*Bucking the Christmas trend yet again is Lifetime Movie Network (LMN), which doesn't give a fuck about holiday shit.  They have a new film called An Amish Sin.  The plot synopsis sounds decidedly less sexy than the title.  Don't look for any hot Amish on Amish action here, which is a shame as I know the Amish love their porn.

I am continuing my Star Trek binge with seasons three and four of Discovery.  I know Discovery is the red-headed stepchild of Star Trek (its main competition being Enterprise), but I enjoy the show.  Yes, it tried too hard in the first season to be dark and gritty and violent, and it still can lean that direction sometimes, but more often than not, it works.  That said, those turbolift fight special effects in season 3 were easily the worst representation of the inner workings of a Starfleet vessel since Scotty got stuck in the plumbing.  

PREMIERES

🔔 The Fabulous (Netflix, 3:01 AM) SEASON ONE. 'Four best friends chase their dreams in the competitive world of fashion while juggling demanding jobs, romantic dilemmas and wild nights on the town.'

🔔 Pinata Masters (Netflix, 3:01 AM) SEASON ONE. 'Which of seven competing teams will be the Piñata Heroes? Their piñatas must be colorful and creative and impress the picky judges: a group of kids!'

🔔 2022: Back That Year Up (Peacock, 3:01 AM) SPECIAL PRESENTATION. 'An edgy, insightful, and hilarious clip-driven retrospective of a year that began with so much promise but was only marginally better than the debacle that was 2021.  Hosted by Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson.'

🎥 An Amish Sin (LMN, 8:00 PM) 'Refusing to marry the man who abused her as a child, an Amish teen runs away to a neighboring city and tries to adjust to life in the modern world.'

🎄CHRISTMAS (RELATED) PREMIERES/NEW🎄

Saving Christmas Spirit

🎥🎄 Saving Christmas Spirit (AMC, 3:01 AM) 'An archaeologist discovers the importance of letting a little festive wonder back into her life and finds both history and love.'

🎥🎄 A Miracle Before Christmas (BET, 6:00 PM) 'A workaholic relationship counselor rethinks her idea of true happiness when a mysterious stranger grants her a Christmas wish for a different life.'

🎄 The 24th Annual a Home for the Holidays at the Grove (CBS, 8:00 PM) 'Inspirational stories of lives changed through adoption; scheduled performers include Andy Grammer, Little Big Town, and David Foster and Kat McPhee; Gloria Estefan hosts.'

🎥🎄 Christmas Party Crashers (BET, 8:00 PM) 'When two grifters meet after crashing the same millionaire's Christmas party, they agree to work together, not knowing that they will find something more important than money or fame -- true love.'

🎄 The Fright Before Christmas (Travel, 10:00 PM) 'A rookie EMT sees flickering lights and hears strange noises after an elderly patient dies; a man's spirit watches over paramedics as they attempt to save him on Christmas Eve.'

🎄Broadcast/Cable/Satellite - RETRO CHRISTMAS MOVIES & SPECIALS🎄

🎥 Miracle on 34th Street (1947) (AMC, 11:15 AM); 🎥 White Christmas (AMC, 1:30 PM); 🎥 All Mine to Give (TCM, 2:00 PM); 🎥 Bad Santa (Showtime 2, 4:00 PM); 🎥 Dr. Seuss's The Grinch (Freeform, 5:00 PM); 🎄 Merry Madagascar (Nick Jr., 5:00 PM); 🎥 Four Christmases (AMC, 6:00 PM); 🎄 The Year Without a Santa Claus (AMC, 6:45 PM); 🎄 Toy Story that Time Forgot (Disney, 7:00 PM); 🎄 Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation (Disney XD, 7:00 PM);🎥 Home Alone (Freeform, 7:00 PM); 🎄 How the Grinch Stole Christmas (NBC, 8:00 PM); 🎥 The Polar Express (AMC, 8:00 PM); 🎥 Remember the Night (TCM, 8:00 PM); 🎥 Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (Freeform, 9:30 PM); 🎥 Elf (AMC, 10:00 PM); 🎥 Disney's A Christmas Carol (Freeform, 12:00 AM)

RETURNING SHOWS

🍴 Family Dinner (Discovery+ & HBO Max, 3:01 AM) SEASON THREE PREMIERE.

Christmas Party Crashers

STREAMING

😂 LOL: Last One Laughing (Spanish Language) (Amazon, 12:01 AM) 

🌲🌲🌲 Three Pines (Amazon, 12:01 AM) SEASON FINALE. 

🔔 Echo 3 (Apple, 12:01 AM) "Red is Positive, Black is Negative" 

🦟 The Mosquito Coast (Apple, 12:01 AM) "Dead Totems" 

🎄 Mythic Quest: Raven's Banquet (Apple, 12:01 AM) "To Catch a Mouse" 

🐴 Slow Horses (Apple, 12:01 AM) "Boardroom Politics" 

🍴 America's Test Kitchen: The Next Generation (Freevee, 12:01 AM) 

🔔 Play-Doh Squished (Freevee, 12:01 AM) 

🍴 Food Affair with Mark Wiens (HBO Max, 3:01 AM) SEASON FINALE. 

💖 Love Island: Australia (Hulu, 3:01 AM) 

 🚗 Engine Masters (Motortrend+, 3:01 AM) SEASON FINALE. 

🔔 Dance Monsters (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 

🎵 Behind the Beats (YouTube, 12:00 PM)

👮‍♂️ Cops (Fox Nation, 6:00 PM)  

LIVE SPORTSBALL TONIGHT

⚽ Scottish Premier League Soccer: Ross County FC vs. Rangers FC (CBSSN, 2:30 PM)

🏈 College Football: Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl: Louisiana vs. Houston (ESPN, 3:00 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: Hawaiian Airlines Diamond Head Classic, Second Semifinal: Teams TBA (ESPNU, 4:30 PM)

🏈 College Football: Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl: Wake Forest vs. Missouri (ESPN, 6:30 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: Hawaiian Airlines Diamond Head Classic, First Semifinal: Teams TBA (ESPN2, 7:00 PM)

🏀 NBA Basketball: Memphis Grizzlies at Phoenix Suns (ESPN, 10:00 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: Hawaiian Airlines Diamond Head Classic, Second Semifinal: Teams TBA (ESPN2, 10:00 PM)

🏀 College Basketball: Hawaiian Airlines Diamond Head Classic, Second Consolation Semifinal: Teams TBA (ESPN2, 12:30 AM)

EARLY PRIMETIME

A Miracle Before Christmas

🎥🎄 A Miracle Before Christmas✔️ (BET, 6:00 PM) 

🕗 8:00 EASTERN / 🕖 7:00 CENTRAL

🎄 The 24th Annual a Home for the Holidays at the Grove (CBS, 8:00 PM) 
🔔 WWE's Friday Night Smackdown (Fox, 8:00 PM) 
🎥🎄 Christmas Party Crashers (BET, 8:00 PM) 
💰 Gold Rush (Discovery, 8:00 PM) 
🎥 An Amish Sin (LMN, 8:00 PM) 

🕗 9:00 EASTERN / 🕖 8:00 CENTRAL

🍴 Guy's All-American Road Trip (Food, 9:00 PM) 'The Fieris are hitting the road for a journey from California, through Oregon and into Washington; their trek is filled with meals that go beyond standard camping food, like fresh crab, farm greens and diner milkshakes.'

🔔 Destination Fear (Travel, 9:00 PM) 'Chelsea Laden plunges the team into the haunted madness of a legendary California mansion; the crew takes a shot in the dark to see what energy is at play behind its walls.'

💀 Dateline NBC (NBC, 9:00 PM) 
💰 Gold Rush: White Water (Discovery, 9:00 PM) 
🔔 Vale dos Esquecidos (HBO Latino, 9:00 PM) 
🏠 My Lottery Dream House (HGTV, 9:00 PM) 
🚗 Hot Rod Garage (Motortrend, 9:00 PM) 
🏈 A Football Life (NFLN, 9:00 PM) SEASON FINALE. 
💀 Fatal Attraction: Last Words (TVOne, 9:00 PM) 
🔔 Love After Lockup (WE, 9:00 PM) 
🔔 20/20 (ABC, 9:01 PM) 

How the Grinch Stole Christmas via Giphy

🕗 10:00 EASTERN / 🕖 9:00 CENTRAL

🔔 We're Here (HBO, 10:00 PM) 'The queens help a mom and her transgender daughter, a couple of 50 years and a Pulse survivor.'

👽 The Proof is Out There (History, 10:04 PM) 'Tony Harris travels to the Florida coast to investigate the legendary Bermuda beast and other mysterious sea creatures at the Bermuda Triangle; Tony and a team of experts will analyze evidence of similar bizarre sea creatures from around the world.'

🔔 The Wheel (NBC, 10:00 PM) 
🤠 The Last Cowboy (CMT, 10:00 PM) SEASON FINALE. 
💰 Gold Rush: The Dirt (Discovery, 10:00 PM) 
🔔 Battle of the Bling (HGTV, 10:00 PM) SEASON FINALE. 
💀 A Time to Kill (ID, 10:00 PM) 
🚗 Graveyard Carz (Motortrend, 10:00 PM) 
🎄 The Fright Before Christmas (Travel, 10:00 PM) 
🤼‍♂️ All Elite Wrestling: Rampage (TNT, 10:00 PM) 

LATE NIGHT

🔔 The Graham Norton Show (BBC America, 11:00 PM) 'Graham is joined by Tom Hanks, Naomi Ackie, Suranne Jones and Richard Osman. Singer Rina Sawayama performs Hold the Girl.'

🔔 Late Night with Seth Myers (NBC, 12:37 PM) 'The Meyers family; Bryan Carter sits in with the 8G Band.' 

🔔 Sex Diaries (HBO, 11:00 & 11:30 PM) SEASON FINALE. 
🔔 The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon (NBC, 11:34 PM)
🔔 Jimmy Kimmel Live! (ABC, 11:35 PM) 
🔔 The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (CBS, 11:35 PM)
🔔 Nightline (ABC, 12:37 AM) 
🔔 The Late Late Show with James Corden (CBS, 12:37 AM)

Broadcast/Cable/Satellite - RETRO BINGE

📺 The Andy Griffith Show (Sundance, 6:00 AM - 1:00 PM); Knight Rider (Syfy, 6:00 AM - 12:15 PM); The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (VH1, 8:00 AM - 11:00 AM); Roseanne (CMT, 9:00 AM - 12:00 PM); ER (Pop, 9:00 AM - 3:00 PM); M*A*S*H* (TVLand, 9:00 AM - 11:00 AM); Living Single (TVOne, 9:00 AM - 11:00 AM); South Park (Comedy Central, 9:00 AM - 2:00 PM); Hawaii Five-0 (Ion, 10:00 AM - 2:00 AM); Gunsmoke (TVLand, 12:00 PM - 4:00 PM); Law & Order (Sundance, 1:00 PM - 1:00 AM); Seinfeld (Comedy Central, 2:00 PM - 5:00 PM); House (Pop, 3:00 PM - 8:00 PM); Family Ties (Antenna, 5:00 PM - 6:00 PM); The Office (Comedy Central, 5:00 PM - 12:00 AM); One Day at a Time (Antenna, 6:00 PM - 7:00 PM); Three's Company (Antenna, 7:00 PM - 8:00 PM); The Jeffersons (Antenna, 8:00 PM -9:00 PM); Everybody Loves Raymond (TV Land, 8:00 PM - 11:00 PM); Barney Miller (Antennae, 9:00 PM - 10:00 PM); King of Queens (TV Land, 11:00 PM - 2:00 AM); Designing Women (Antenna, 11:30 PM); Becker (Antenna, 12:00 AM - 1:00 AM); Wings (Antennae, 1:00 AM - 2:00 AM); Alice (Antenna, 2:00 AM - 3:00 AM); Benson (Antenna, 3:00 AM - 4:00 AM); Mom (TV Land, 3:00 AM - 5:00 AM)

📺 Johnny Carson (Antenna, 10:00 PM) 'Actor Bob Hope; actor Dick Van Patten; Gil Fates.'

White Christmas via Giphy

Key Sources: The Futon Critic; Zap2it; Netflix; Wikipedia; Horrornews.net; Sysfy.com; hollywoodreporter.com

⭐: Top Pick
💲: Game show
🎥: Movie
📺: Throwback
✔️: Video/gif/photo included