Thoughts on Don't Touch That Dial!

 

via Giphy

"Looking at these rep* -- repetitive clone series, you really have to wonder, is this the best our writers, and our directors, and our master programmers on three great, rich, powerful networks, the best that you people can come up with?"
*I'm certain Morley Safer was about to say "reprehensible," but caught himself.

"Well, you know, people constantly, or not constantly**, but occassionally say to me, 'Uh, why is television as bad as it is?' Frankly, I think -- I am constantly amazed that television is as good as it is. Because for us to provide, and the other two networks, the quanity of entertainment, as well as information and sports, but we're just talking entertainment at the moment ... The quantity of entertainment, 22 hours, for seven years, under the restrictions of time and money that television has to operate under, I think it 's absolutely amazing that television is as good as it is."

**Bud Grant's immediate digression is something to behold. I only added those commas in for gramatical clarity. It's honest to god expressed in a steam of conscious style.

Oh, someday, I'll go back to doing Thoughts On in the narrative sense. I do hope to pick up on The Films of 1998 (now celebrating their 25th anniversaries) and finally conclude Mad About You.

1. I'm curious about what led to Morely Safer reporting on the process of getting new TV shows on the air. Was it an idea he pitched, or was it offered to anyone at CBS News? I can't imagine Mike Wallace putting up with Grant's doubletalk.

2. Don't Touch That Dial! looks at the producers, production of and executives obligated to stand by (for at least a while) two freshmen series: Seven Brides for Seven Brothers on CBS and Family Ties on NBC. ABC declined to participate, which is a shame, since they also had a new Wednesday series for fall 1982, Brothers' competition, Tales of the Gold Monkey.

3. Unlike most behind the scenes documentaries, the on-air talent is pretty much ignored. There's glimpses of Meredith Baxter Birney having her makeup put on and Richard Dean Anderson looking exhaused (or bored?) after having his boots scraped during an outdoor shoot, but for the most part, it's the non-stars' show.

4. "I Know Jennifer's Boyfriend" and "A Christmas Story" are the two Ties episodes being taped or rehearsed during Dial.

5. "There has to be something wrong with a business that spends so many millions of dollars in the area of development and creates so little acceptable product. There's got to be something wrong with us." Ask yourself this: Would Lee Rich, Lorimar, have spoken with so much candor if was still involved with a currently-running series?

6. "The networks do not make their own shows, aside from news and sports. They contract them out to the producers." Different times! In November 1993, 20-year-old federal regulations were overturned, allowing the Big Three to take ownership in their programs.

7. Is it me, or are the documentary scenes with producers scripted? Granted, these are people in the entertainment industry, or generally know how to talk with a purpose, but it feels too glossy to be real.

8. It's funny to hear Gary Nardino casually mention "(Warren) Littlefield" as part of Brandon Tartikoff's entourage at NBC.

9. Quincy had "a strong women and teen audience"? Sure, Brandon. Sure.

10. I'm a Broadway fan, and right now, the message boards are talking about why Some Like It Hot isn't catching on as much as it could be. I thought of that while listening to the discussion of bringing Brothers to TV. In both cases, you have a recognizable (but older) property (or at least, title) modified for the supposed necessity of the audience or production. Hot has a new book, by Matthew López and Amber Ruffin. 

11. Brothers was developed, presented at bought as a musical TV series, but eventually, there will be talk about whether or not the dancing is necessary. Commit to your project or don't. I'm hoping Fame didn't have to go through that kind of second-guessing. That said, I'm certain David Gerber was playing for the camera when it came to the idea of phasing out Jimmy Webb's original music for Muzak. The jury's out about the seriousness of his idea to move filming from Murphys, California, to Culver City.

12. Incidentally, a Debby Boone-led Broadway production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers flopped in 1982.

13. It definitely feels like the guys from the NBC affiliates genuinely believed in Family Ties. Oh, if only we could have heard their thoughts on Cheers.

14. Amadeus called it: the comedy highlight of Dial has to be the people from the CBS affiliates sharing their skepticism for Brothers. "I liked it ... kind of."

15. "What is trash on CBS?" "Nothing." "... Nothing?" "You didn't let me finish my, the answer to the question." I'm sure Bud Grant was a nice fellow, but he must have been exhausting to talk to. What must the people making The Dukes of Hazzard thought about the idea that their show's trash, but trash done well? Or, in Bud-speak, it's not as bad as it could have been.

16. Morley and Bud's interactions are some of the best in Dial. We have Bud, representing entertainment. We have Morley, representing CBS News, but also 60 Minutes (which often scored just as much if not more of an audience as Dallas) and to some extent, everyone's rose-colored perception of what CBS News was.

17. For my money, though, the absolute best moment is Goldberg's angry but smiling monologue about the structure of TV comedy. Remember, it took decades to "perfect" this plot, joke and gimmick-driven method.

18. "You know, we talk about network terms. Network has terms for what we do as writers, to discuss, uh, little, little, uh, hooks, to use one of their terms. For instance, uh, 'topspin' is a great network word. You say this, 'There's not enough topspin here.' And, uh, 'What are you talking about?' You know, well, topspin in network terms is something that happens in the scene to propel you into the next scene. Usually, someone loses a briefcase or something, you know, really exciting, and that's topspin into the next scene. 'Heat,' heat is another great thing. Heat is tension, it's arguments, usualy someone calling somebody a 'Fat mother,' you know, or some great thing. There'll, there'll be an example of heat. 'Pipe,' they'll say, 'You got to lay pipe here, guys. We're not dealing with, uh, college people, these are ...' a lot of pipe. Pipe is the history of every character from the moment of their birth until they step into that room. God forbid that anyone watching can give any closure to a character on their own. Then you have a 'blow,' a 'hook,' a 'button.' ... For some reason in network television, no one can leave a room without a joke, I don't know how it is in your own home, but in my house, a lot of times, people will just go out. But here, you cannot, you must deliver a joke and leave a room. That's a, that's a blow, or a button. They say, 'We don't like the button. Change the button, get a better blow. And the hook would be like a man just landed, he's from another planet. That's the hook. And then the audience is gonna watch that. We have an alien in our living room. The audience is hooked. Uh, you will never hear discussions along, any more deeper than that about the writing, about character development and motivation and reality and truth of the moment. But, you will always see a show that will have heat, topspin, pipe, hopefully a good button and a hook, and, and a great blow."

19. That focus group audience watching Brothers looked rather traumatized or scared, no?

20. It's funny to see Brandon Tartikoff, Hugh Wilson and I writer I feel like I should recognize talking through the idea of a political sitcom. Notice Brandon mentioning the White House, but then the writer references Tennessee, and then Brandon mentions Spiro Agnew, who wasn't from Tennessee. The writer adds more hooks, that the Judy Agnew type hasn't been married long to Spiro and isn't politically savvy.

21. Brandon: "She was a waitress in a bowling alley. ... And she met this guy who was a congressman from Tennessee. And the next thing you know, they're balancing out the ticket, and this guy ends up being the vice president of the United States." The unique selling propositions, or sharper hooks, according to Tartikoff are the supposed appeal of just plain folks in this kind of setting and the mostly once again virgin territory of the topical comedy landscape.

22. For the record, ABC aired Hail to the Chief from Susan Harris in spring 1985. It was serialized, like Soap, with Patty Duke Astin as the first female president.

23. It's interesting to catch up with Fred Silverman, just over a year after his failed time at NBC concluded. Fred had one more big flop left, Thicke of the Night, but I think history's ultimately going to be kind to him. Also, I hadn't realized Fred wasn't yet 50 years old in 1982. He was 45 and had apparently entered TV at age 24. Tartikoff was 33 and had entered TV at age 23.

24. I'm assuming the two men showing the steps for one of  Brothers' dance numbers are Carl Jablonski (formerly a dancer for The Carol Burnett Show, perhaps best remembered for choreographing the dance marathon segment on The Golden Girls) and Jim Taylor (whose only IMDB credit is for Brothers).

25. "Male models, Friday at 7:30."

26. No mention that Seven Brides for Seven Brothers debuted as counterprogramming against the Emmy Awards? You'd think that would have been something Morley would have wanted to call attention to.

27. "We don't cancel shows. We just don't renew them. There's a difference."

28. For the record, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers completed its season in March 1983. It was not renewed, being replaced for the fall by another one-season wonder, Whiz Kids. Wednesdays remained a problem night for CBS for many more years. Family Ties aired the last three episodes of its first season on Mondays, returning to Wednesdays in fall 1983, becoming a Thursday night staple from January 1984-summer 1987 and eventually falling to Murder, She Wrote on Sundays beginning in September 1987.

29. Where Are They Now?

Morley Safer remained with CBS until his retirement and near-immediate death shortly after, in 2016.

Gary Nardino left Paramount in 1983 for independent and studio (Orion) producing. He died in 1998.

Gary David Goldberg stayed in TV for 20 more years, scoring another hit with Spin City. He died in 2013.

Brandon Tartikoff left NBC after becoming as recognizable as many of its stars in 1991. He died in 1997.

David Gerber's next show was NBC's For Love or Honor. It flopped. He stayed in TV, dying in 2010.

Harvey Shephard left CBS in 1986 and led Warner Bros. Television. I have not confirmed if he's alive.

Bud Grant left CBS in 1987, also going into independent production. He died in 2011.

Hugh Wilson segued into movies but also continued with TV for the next 20 years. He died in 2018.

Fred Silverman stayed a producer (Perry Mason movies, Matlock, Diagnosis: Murder). He died in 2020.

30. I'm fairly certain that over the last three hours, I have given more thought to the TV version of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers than anyone has in the last 40 years.