Oh wow, here I am! Making the leap from commenter to author. Thank you to Badger for suggesting I publish this. This is actually my second of these. I first published one in the comments a couple months ago, about Safety Not Guaranteed. I’ll repost it in the comments below. Spoiler alert: I enjoyed it; I have a crush on Aubrey Plaza. This movie, uhhh, well at least another crush is in it. She’ll be revealed at the end. Now, I procrastinate a lot. So much that I put off watching movies I want to watch until the last day. Since Netflix is my only streaming service, I look up what movies will disappear from Netflix and when, and sometimes even manage to catch them on the last day. I’ll be posting more of these as I catch more movies. Unless I put the writing off. Note that I’m unemployed now but will be back at work soon. I’m happy, but it won’t help with this new hobby.
So, once again I try to watch a movie late at night right before it leaves and hope it doesn’t disappear before I’m finished. Don’t worry, I’d already seen “Mystery Men”. I had also seen the first two Austin Powers movies in theaters. Loved them, and even hacky “Oh behave” impressions haven’t lessened the cultural impact. When I shared here that I was going to deal at a casino again, someone posted Homer dealing blackjack to James Bond. I responded with the Soup Nazi dealing to Austin and #2 (“I also like to live dangerously”). When actual Dr. Evil Jeff Bezos launched that ridiculous phallus into space, we responded with the awesomely infantile rocket scene. I know at least two women who’ve posted FB pics of their young daughters and rightfully called them their Mini-me’s. But even in the second film, you could see the cracks starting to show. Maybe that’s why I never bothered to pay to see Goldmember.
I had seen some scenes on cable or YouTube or some such, including the star-studded opener. It is kind of problematic now, what with, you know, Gwyneth Paltrow hocking snake oils on something actually called Goop.com. Oh, and I guess Kevin Spacey is also there. Are we all agreeing that Tom Cruise is just kinda weird and not holding the worst of Scientology against him? Sounds good. Danny DeVito is a national treasure. But after the enjoyable parody, a long sequence of blah. Maybe I needed to see it in a theater to laugh with others. Or maybe deathly silence in a crowd would kill any enjoyment to be found. In particular, I disliked the “Hard Knock Life” prison scene. Remember when early Simpsons had whatever random pop culture reference crossed their genius writers’ minds? Then they later started doing lame pop culture references just because they were briefly in style? It took Simpsons at least 9-12 seasons to devolve into that, but Austin Powers barely lasted three movies. I found that scene to be the worst thing a comedy could be, starts with a “B”, say it with me, it was BBBB-boring.
I wasn’t really impressed with the main performances, either. Mike Myer’s mannerisms as Austin had always flirted with annoying, but even his magnificent Lorne Michaels tribute was starting to curdle, and the scenes with his henchpeople were unfunny improv. Goldmember himself was dull and unfunny and skin-peeling, gross. Maybe I liked when he kept using his clearly-fake legs to defend himself against Foxxy, I don’t know. Speaking of the fantastically-named Foxxy Cleopatra, I didn’t think Beyoncé quite fit in the movie. A blaxploitation parody starring her character could be great (they never did make that Black Dynamite sequel). Or they just could’ve had her play herself, starting out in the ‘70s as a rising star who’s also a Fed trying to avenge her partner’s death. She time-travels like it’s nothing, takes down her partner’s killer, then resumes becoming a megastar in her new time, all before she turns 21, because she’s fucking Beyoncé. Yes, she was only 20 when this movie came out. I also think Heather Graham didn’t quite work in the second one, and only Elizabeth Hurley managed to transcend the often-thankless hot partner role. I blame the filmmakers more than the actors. Michael Caine took a paycheck and cashed it. He can do that anytime he wants, if only for that awesome Jaws 4 quote. I believe this is the only Michael Caine movie I’ve seen. Although they do pull the Terence-Stamp-in-The-Limey trick of showing a young Caine in an old film of his called Hurry Sundown. Oh, I did find out that the great “There are only two things...and the Dutch” line came from this movie, and Caine’s venom in that last part may have justified his casting.
The most disappointing part is that good things were sprinkled throughout the movie. Some fine supporting performances. Verne Troyer (RIP) once again turned his size and physicality into a surprisingly affecting role. Seth Green brought attitude and pathos to Scott Evil, and I still can’t believe Colin Quinn was offered the role but turned it down. After returning Austin’s penis enhancer in the first movie, former Mike Myers-comedy partner Neil Mullarkey returned with wonderful dry British wit. But I thought the best performance was Fred Savage, bringing enthusiasm to his up-and-comer double agent, then doing masterful slow burns while waiting for Austin to get the “MOOOOLE” out of his system. I spotted some nice little moments, too. I liked when the glasses for Austin’s pimp outfit had little beads around the lenses, then he got flummoxed when a strand of them fell down. And the Mole’s professionalism and sharp black outfit contrasted nicely when he first entered Austin’s chaotic, colorful bachelor pad. But the best part was two back-to-back extended gags that really hit my funny bone: the English subtitles for the Japanese convo, and the fountain scene. Including asparagus and immediate “something smells funny” reaction? Yes please. Unnecessary watersports gag in a PG-13 movie? Throw that in! If the whole movie were like those scenes...but no. It’s probably best there’s been no Austin Powers 4. And I won’t be watching “The Love Guru.”
Thoughts:
- Even as a brief over-the-top parody of the kind of star vehicles Tom Cruise makes, it still showcased the incredible star power and charisma of said Tom Cruise. And also Danny DeVito. Good for the short guys. BTW, the film’s director, Mr. Susanna Hoffs, appeared as himself on Barry, for a casting call attended by Bill Hader’s titular character. And he and the casting agent went on about Hader’s impressive height, even though he’s only 6’1”. Felt like a slam against Hollywood actors like Cruise, but not DeVito.
- Twins, Basil! Japanese twins! Who apparently had only one miniskirt between them, so had to split it and wear half-a-mini each. Dick move, bro.
- Hah, Dr. Evil, we can have rising oceans without your threats. In fact, we apparently also have asteroids loaded with precious metals, worth many times the global economy. Oh, and theoretically, we can actually mint a single coin worth the trillion gajillion etc. ransom you asked for!
- Ming Tea is back! I had assumed that Mike Myers wrote the first film and invited Susanna Hoffs and Matthew Sweet to form a groovy band. But Ming Tea actually came first, and Myers created the Austin Powers character in the band. Susanna and Matthew have also released several covers albums together. Each album cover feature an artist’s partial depictions of Hoffs and Sweet, but they always make sure to showcase Hoffs’ fantastic legs. Which are the main reason why I call the director Mr. Susanna Hoffs, and she’s not Mrs. Jay Roach.
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