What's On Tonight (Friday) - Killing the Undead with a Van Helsing Down by the River

 

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TOP PICK

⭐Van Helsing (Syfy, 10 PM) 'Set in the near future, where vampires have risen and taken control, Vanessa Van Helsing is humanity's last hope, as her unique blood composition gives her the ability to turn vampires human. With this secret weapon, Vanessa becomes a prime target for the vampires. Van Helsing comes from the producers of Fargo and Hell on Wheels. Jonathan Lloyd Walker serves as showrunner.'  It's not as good as Wynona Earp but it might help scratch that "hot brunette woman reluctantly takes on the forces of darkness" itch.✔️

HIGHLIGHTS

Premieres

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🔔  The Year Earth Changed (Apple TV+, 12:01 AM) 'Narrated by David Attenborough, this documentary special highlights the way nature has started to recover during the lockdown caused by the COVID-19 pandemic.' I assume this will be followed up next year with a documentary called, "The Year Earth Changed Back Because We Have Learned Nothing"

🔔 Earth at Night in Color (Apple TV+, 12:01 AM) Season 2 - 'Narrated by Tom Hiddleston and filmed across six continents, this docuseries uses cutting-edge camera technology to capture animals' nocturnal lives, revealing new behaviors filmed in full color like never before.'  Was "Earth: After Dark" already taken?

🔔 Frank of Ireland (Amazon Prime, 12:01 AM) 'Frank is a 33-year-old catastrophe; a misanthropic fantasist in arrested development who's convinced that the world owes him.  He's also our hero.  He has a tenuous hold on reality, a single room in his mother's home, an ex he can't get over and a loyal best friend, Doofus.  This is the hilarious story of a man's hapless search for respect.  We don't want him to succeed, but it's fun to watch him try.'  This sounds a lot like Man Up and I only made it a couple episodes into that before the I decided the main character was too obnoxious to live.

🔔  Tiny World (Apple TV+, 12:01 AM) Season 2 - 'Narrated by Paul Rudd, this docuseries showcases nature's lesser-known tiny heroes.  Spotlighting small creatures and the extraordinary things they do to survive, each episode is filled with surprising stories and spectacular cinematography.'  Apple is really blowing their nature documentary wad this week, aren't they?

🔔  Earth Moods (Disney+, 3:01 AM) 'Earth Moods, premiering April 16 on Disney+, takes viewers on the ultimate retreat—transporting them to an array of colorful and calming corners of the world. Viewers travel to glaciers, deserts, rainforests and metropolises to escape from everyday life.'  Between Disney and Apple people will have no shortage of stuff to watch on Earth Day.

🔔  Big Shot (Disney+, 3:01 AM) 'After getting ousted from his job in the NCAA for throwing a chair at a referee, a hothead men’s basketball coach Marvyn Korn must take a job at Westbrook School for Girls, a private all-girls high school, in an effort to redeem what’s left of his career and reputation.' The series description on Disney+ goes on much longer than this, which seems like a lot of words to say, "Mighty Ducks but with basketball and more girls."

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🎥  Arlo the Alligator Boy (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'To find the father he never knew, optimistic Arlo leaves his swampy Southern home for New York City, making friends along the way. A musical adventure.'  If the description had read "EATING friends along the way" it would have piqued my interest more.✔️

🎥  Ajeeb Daastaans (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'Four shorts explore the surprising ways in which unexpected catalysts inflame the uncomfortable emotions simmering under fractured relationships.' I assume it will end with an elaborate musical number because I always assume any Indian film ends with an elaborate musical number.

🎥  Into the Beat (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'A teen ballerina discovers hip-hop by chance and is faced with an impossible choice: Does she follow her parents’ footsteps... or her newfound passion?'  Unofficial "Save the Last Dance" remake or unofficial "Save the Last Dance" rip-off?  

🔔  Why Are You Like This (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'Three best friends negotiate work, fun, identity politics, hookups and wild nights out in this razor-sharp satire of 20-something life in Melbourne.'  Yeah, stick it to those Australian 20-somethings.  They already survived the many horrors of Australia to escape childhood - they can take it.

🔔  Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs (Shudder, 9:00 M) Season 3 - 'Every week, The Last Drive-In series offers an eclectic pairing of films, running the gamut from horror classics to obscurities and international cult favorites. And from time to time, special surprise guests will drop in on Joe Bob and Darcy the Mail Girl.'  I hope he has Norm McDonald as a guest but I'm not sure I would be able to tell them apart.

Streaming

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🔔 Mythic Quest: Raven's Banquet (Apple TV+, 12:01 AM) "Everlight" - 'A special episode that addresses the practical and emotional difficulties of returning to normalcy.'✔️ This "It's Always Sunny" spin-off seems to have little to do with the original.

🔔 For All Mankind (Apple TV+, 12:01 AM) "Triage" - 'The rivalry between American astronauts and Soviet cosmonauts intensifies as last-minute changes impact the Pathfinder mission plan.'  A rivalry?  Sounds like a good time for a sexy volleyball game to set the record straight.

🔔  Invincible (Amazon Prime, 12:01 AM) "Episode 105" - No episode description so I'm going to assume that this week Invincible mourns how superhero-ing used to be more about the "hero-ing" but lately has become all about the "super."

🔔 The Falcon And Winter Soldier (Disney+, 3:01 AM) "Episode 105" - No episode description here either so I'm going to assume that this week there's a transporter accident fusing Bucky and Sam into the Winter Falcon.

🔔 The Mighty Ducks: Game Changers (Disney+, 3:01 AM) "Hockey Moms" - No episode description here either so I'm going to assume this one is about a secret hockey mom sex cult called "The Mighty Fucks."

👽 Paranormal Caught on Camera (Discovery+, 3:01 AM) "Episode 408" - No description here either so I'm going to assume that someone will attempt to catch the paranormal on camera before discovering that they were the paranormal all along.

👽 Ghost Adventures (Discovery+, 3:01 AM) "Season 24, Episode 9" - No description here but when you've been around for 24 seasons I imagine there's not much point in bothering with episode descriptions anymore.

🍴 Magnolia Table with Joanna Gaines (Discovery+, 3:01 AM) "Episode 202" - No episode description but how many ways can you turn a Magnolia into a table?

Broadcast/Cable/Satellite

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📺 The Andy Griffith Show (Sundance, 6:00 AM - 1:00 PM)✔️; Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (BBC America, 8:00 AM - 12:00 PM); The UnXplained (History, 7:00 AM - 9:00 PM); Hawaii Five-0 (Ion, 10:00 AM - 3:00 AM); Barney Miller (Antenna, 8:00 & 8:30 PM); Mom (CMT, 8:00 PM - 1:00 AM); The Jeffersons (Antenna, 9:00 & 9:30 PM); Coach (Antenna, 11:30 PM) 

🔔 Spongebob Squarepants (Nickelodeon, 7:00 PM) "Under the Small Top; Squidward's Sick Daze" - 'Squidward's house becomes infested with a mail-order flea circus meant for SpongeBob; Squidward fakes being sick to get out of work, but his agony only begins when SpongeBob arrives to care for him.'  This week seems pretty Squidward heavy, which depending on who you are can be a good or  a bad thing.

🏀 Los Angeles Clippers at Philadelphia 76ers* (ESPN, 8:00 PM) 'Doc Rivers faces an old squad as the 76ers host the Clippers. Rivers spent seven seasons as LA's head coach, guiding it to six playoff appearances with seven winning campaigns. Tyronn Lue's Clippers prevailed 122-112 over Rivers' Sixers on March 27.'  No mention of Rivers time as front man for Weezer?  Seems like a glaring omission.

⚾ College Baseball: Vanderbilt at Tennessee* (ESPNU, 7:00 PM) 'From Lindsey Nelson Stadium in Knoxville, Tenn.' Better than Lindsay Graham Stadium, which is located somewhere in Trump's ass.

🔔 The Blacklist (NBC, 8:00 PM) "Anne" - 'Red enjoys a quiet visit with a friend at her home in rural America.'  I have never watched this show but if Red doesn't have a nemesis named "Blue" then that's just an opportunity wasted.

🔔 MacGyver (CBS, 8:00 PM) "H2O + Orthophosphates + Mission City + Corrosion + Origins" - 'Mac and Desi travel with Bozer to his childhood home when his aunt dies in a tragic accident; they soon discover she may have been murdered for trying to expose the city's contaminated water supply.'  So glad that cities with contaminated water supplies is something that only happens on TV.

🔔 Shark Tank (ABC, 8:00 PM) 'Two chefs make a major pivot when the pandemic nearly derailed their business based on a perishable, rare ingredient; a handwashing device; a quick and easy approach to drying greens; a self-cleaning water bottle; an update on Yellow Leaf Hammocks.'  What exactly do any of these things have to do with sharks?

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🔔 Whose Line is it Anyway? (CW, 8:00 PM) "Gary Anthony Williams 8" ✔️ This show has become quite the retirement plan for Colin and Ryan.

🤼‍♂️ WWE's Friday Night Smackdown (Fox, 8:00 PM)  Wrestling died the day GLOW was cancelled.

🔔 Tanked: Sea-Lebrity Edition (Discovery, 8:00) "Tanks for the Laughs" - 'Golden Girl Betty White, Blue Collar comic Bill Engvall, and legendary magician Penn Jillette reach out to ATM for custom tanks.' Still amazed that a show about people who make custom fish tanks not only lasted more than a couple episodes but has stuck around for 15 seasons.

🔔 Gold Rush (Discovery, 8:00) "The Gold Guru" - 'When Jesse heads to Montana to salvage parts, Dave struggles to keep the operation together for another gold haul. Freddy and Juan overhaul a family's wash plant to catch Colorado's fine gold.' Maybe it's just me but these people don't seem to be in a "rush."  Perhaps it should have been called "Gold Meander" but that probably wouldn't test well.

🔔 RuPaul's Drag Race (VH1, 8:00 PM) "RPDR Reunited" - 'The Season 13 queens are back to dish on various moments from the season; featuring personal interviews, original music videos and a special lip sync.' 13 Queens being the unofficial sequel to Three Kings.

🎥  Saving My Daughter (LMN, 8:00 PM) 'Fifteen years ago, Joanna’s life was turned upside down when her three-year-old daughter, Chloe, went missing for six months before being returned. Even though Chloe is now eighteen, Joanna struggles to put the whole ordeal behind her. However, one night, Chloe once again turns up missing. Joanna finds herself searching again for answers and determined to find out if her daughter left of her own volition or has she been kidnapped yet again, and if so, is it at the hands of the woman who abducted her all those years before or someone else…and why? Alicia Leigh Willis, Ashley Jones, Laurie Fortier, Emily Skinner star.'  Spoiler: turns out Chloe just went to the Hamptons for the weekend and never came back.

💀 Mark of a Serial Killer (OWN, 8:00 PM) "Classified to Kill" - 'Chicago detectives believe that a serial killer is using classified ads to lure and murder his victims.'  You know what we don't have enough of?  Shows about serial killers,

🔔 90 Day Fiancé (TLC, 8:00 PM) "More to Love: Tell All Part 1" - 'The couples come together for the first time; Yara is upset to learn more about Jovi's bachelor party; the real reason for Mike's hesitancy about marrying Natalie is revealed; Amira refuses to speak with Andrew; with bonus scenes.'  Nothing creates a stronger foundation for a marriage than agreeing to exploit your engagement on a reality show.

🎭 Great Performances (PBS, 9:00 PM) "Beethoven in Beijing" - 'Philadelphia Orchestra musicians and maestro Eugene Ormandy visit China in 1973, easing 22 years of tension between the two countries.'  It's like the old Vulcan proverb, "Only Ormandy can go to China."

🔔 20/20 (ABC, 9:00 PM) 'A family discusses their seemingly perfect husband and father's deadly secret.'  Well, if the family knows about it then it's no longer a secret, is it?

🔔 Dateline NBC (NBC, 9:00 PM) "The Phone Call" - 'When Kathleen Schroll makes a phone call that names her killer right before her death, it leads to the arrest of a father for murder, but after two trials and 12 years, authorities begin to wonder if he was the victim.'  If the sexes were reversed this story would make for a great Lifetime movie.  Well, "great" being a relative term...

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🔔 Magnum, PI (CBS, 9:00 PM) "Whispers of Death" - 'A psychic hires Magnum and Higgins to prevent a murder she claims to have foreseen; Katsumoto questions Kumu when her information is found on recovered stolen jewels that once belonged to the infamous Imelda Marcos.'✔️ Glad this isn't a show I watch with my kids as I would not want to explain just who the fuck Imelda Marcos was.

🔔 Penn & Teller: Fool Us (The CW, 9:00 PM) "Penn & Teller Double Down" - 'Featured magicians include Tattoo, Siegfried Tieber, Rick Wilcox and Willi Auerbach.'  If nothing else this show has taught me that there are a lot more professional magicians out there than I ever imagined.

🍴 Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives (Food Network, 9:00 PM) "Takeout: Sendin' the Surf & Turf" - 'Guy and Hunter Fieri make recipes sent by Triple D alums, who join them via video chat; fish tacos out of San Francisco; a Cajun shrimp creation coming from Des Moines; spicy Thai straight out of Los Angeles.'  These all sound like things I don't want to see stuck in Fieri's goatee.

👽 The UnXplained (History, 9:00 PM) "Outrageous Robberies" - 'Examining what motivates someone to steal.'  Spoiler: the primary motivation is your mom.

💀 Living With a Serial Killer (OWN, 9:00 PM) "The Suffolk Strangler: Steve Wright" - 'Pam Wright discovers in 2006 that the unidentified killer who snatched five prostitutes from the streets of Ipswich and strangled them is her own partner.'  More serial killer shows?  Just shoot it straight into my veins.

🥋 BELLATOR MMA LIVE (Showtime, 9:00 PM) "257: Nemkov vs. Davis 2" - 'BELLATOR champ Vadim Nemkov, Phil Davis, Corey Anderson in action.'*  I don't know what roughly half of the words I just typed mean.

🤮 Mama June: From Not to Hot (WE, 9:00 PM) "Road to Redemption: Confronting Geno" - 'Pumpkin faces off with Geno after he pops up on Ella's surprise visit with Mama; Sugar Bear tries to repair his relationship with Alana but all hell breaks loose when Jennifer discovers his whereabouts.'  I almost didn't include this just on general principle but I used to watch Jerry Springer in grad school so who the hell am I to judge?

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🏀 New York Knicks at Dallas Mavericks* (ESPN, 9:35 PM) 'Kristaps Porziņģis takes on his former team as the Mavericks host the Knicks. Porziņģis has averaged 20.7 points and 9.3 rebounds in three games against the team that drafted him fifth overall in 2016. Dallas defeated New York 99-86 on March 2.'*✔️ "PORZINGIS!" being the Big Bang Theory catch phrase that never caught on.

🔔 Blue Bloods (CBS, 10:00 PM) "Happy Endings" - 'Business becomes personal for Frank and his team when Baker is assaulted; Erin asks her ex-husband to represent a defendant she's prosecuting; Eddie wonders if she's being too stubborn after she publicly undermines one of Jamie's decisions at work.'  Will Red from The Black List ever guest star on Blue Bloods because, once again, that would be an opportunity missed.  Crayola is ready to sponsor the whole shebang.

📺 Johnny Carson (Antenna, 10:00 PM) 'Actor Dick Van Patten; George Miller; actor Robert Mitchum; Dennis Madalone.'  If George Miller was the only guest I would be all over this.

🔔 Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO, 10:00 PM) Interview: Sharon Osbourne.  Panel: Ian Bremmer and Rosa Brooks.  Sharon Osbourne?  I have even less interest in this show than normal now.

💀 The First 48: Tracking A Killer (A&E, 10:01 PM) "A Murder in Mobile" - 'When a homeless man is gunned down on the sidewalk, Mobile detectives discover a petty motive.'  I imagine most detectives are mobile.  How would you catch any criminals if you can't move?

🔔 Wicked Tuna (NGC, 10:15 PM) "Harpoon Havoc" - 'A group of fishermen in Gloucester, Mass., hauls in bluefin tuna, risking danger on the high seas.'  Good to know "Poor Man's Deadliest Catch" is still on the air.

🔔 The Graham Norton Show (BBC America, 11:00 PM) 'Graham is joined by Tom Cruise, Jennifer Connelly, Miles Teller, Felicity Jones, Wunmi Mosaku, John Bishop and Olly Alexander's Years & Years.'  How many of the guests will be receiving literature from the Church of Scientology by the end of this episode?

*Sporting Events Are Subject To COVID-Related Postponements.

BLAST FROM THE PAST

📺 Childrens Hospital (Hulu) 'Childrens Hospital explores the emotional struggles and sexual politics of a group of doctors. Their dedication to their personal lives is relentless, interrupted only by the occasional need to treat sick children.'✔️ I was originally going to choose NTSF:SD:SUV:: so I could go on a tangent about how great Kate Mulgrew was on that series but it's no longer on Hulu and I can no longer watch it.  Which is freakin' bullshit.  

Note: All times are Eastern.

More TV Listings: The Futon Critic; Zap2it

Key Sources: The Futon Critic; Zap2it; Netflix; Wikipedia; Horrornews.net; Sysfy.com
⭐: Top Pick
💲: Game show
🎥: Movie
📺: Throwback
✔️: Video/gif/photo included