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| via Giphy |
TOP PICK
HIGHLIGHTS
Premieres
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| Shadow and Bone (via Giphy) |
🔔 Shadow and Bone (Netflix, 3:01 AM)✔️ Season 1 - 'Dark forces conspire against orphan mapmaker Alina Starkov when she unleashes an extraordinary power that could change the fate of her war-torn world.' I was kind of hoping this would turn out to be a buddy cop series.
🎥 Murder by the Coast (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'In 1999, teen Rocío Wanninkhof is murdered. Her mother's ex-partner, Dolores Vázquez, is suspected. Did she do it? A second victim reveals the truth.' Murder cares not for flyover country.
🎥 Misfit 3: The Finale (Netflix, 3:01 AM) 'When the pressures of fame and old rivals come crashing in, the Misfits fight to stay together and try to win a popular international music competition.' This is your alert that apparently there have already been two of these things.
🔔 Deceitful Dating (LMN, 8:00 PM) 'John Logan, a widower and father of two daughters, is struggling to balance his job and parenting. Luckily, he has the help of Jillian, his wife’s best friend. When an attractive woman moves in across the street, John finds himself enjoying her company. Alice, the new neighbor, starts spending time at the Logan house, even helping John with the girls. This new woman in John’s life is a bit mysterious and she starts getting caught in some lies raising the suspicion of Jillian and John’s older daughter, Chelsea. When Alice’s ex-husband is found dead, everyone starts to wonder if Alice is as sweet as she seems. Christine Chatelain, Derek Hamilton.' Early to rise. Early to bed. In and between I cooked and cleaned until my ex turned up dead.
💀 The First 48: Streets Are Talking (A&E, 10:01 PM) "A Murder in Mobile" - 'Miami Sgt Armando Aguilar and Detective Leo Tapanes are assigned the homicide case of a 20-year-old Rastafarian, shot and robbed on Christmas Day.' SERIES PREMIERE. And what are the streets saying? You'll just have to tune in to find out.
🤣 A Black Lady Sketch Show (HBO, 11:00 PM) 'A Black Lady Sketch Show is set in a limitless magical reality of hilarious characters and celebrity guests. The show presents sketches performed by a core cast of Black women, including Robin Thede, Ashley Nicole Black, Gabrielle Dennis & Quinta Brunson.' I count more than one black lady. That's just blatant false advertising.
Streaming
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| For All Mankind (via Giphy) |
🚀 For All Mankind (Apple TV+, 12:01 AM)✔️ "The Grey" - 'Tensions between the U.S. and the Soviet Union reach an all-time high on the moon, throwing multiple missions into jeopardy.' I'm assuming The Grey is some sort of astronaut sang for the moon and not a reference to the Liam Neeson film. Two things?
🔔 Invincible (Amazon Prime, 12:01 AM) "Episode 106" - Last week Invincible went to college and people died. That's where your fancy book learning gets you.
🔔 The Falcon And Winter Soldier (Disney+, 3:01 AM) "Episode 106" - Last week Sam reclaimed Cap's shield but when will he reclaim Bucky's heart?
🏒 The Mighty Ducks: Game Changers (Disney+, 3:01 AM) "Cherry Picker" - Are the Mighty Ducks about to lose their collective virginity? Because that would be one hell of a game changer.
🏀 Big Shot (Disney+, 3:01 AM) "The Marvyn Korn Effect" - Not to be confused with "The Marvin Gaye Effect", which is far too adult for these girls.
👽 Paranormal Caught on Camera (Discovery+, 3:01 AM) This week Paranormal is caught on camera robbing a convenience store in Grand Rapids.
👽 Ghost Adventures (Discovery+, 3:01 AM) When will these ghosts learn that life is the only true adventure?
🍴 Magnolia Table with Joanna Gaines (Discovery+, 3:01 AM) I'm waiting to hear what type of wood Joanna's table will be made out of next season. Oak? Pine? Redwood? So many possibilities.
Broadcast/Cable/Satellite
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| The Blacklist (via Giphy) |
⚾ College Softball: Northwestern at Michigan* (ESPNU, 6:00 PM) 'From Wilpon Complex in Ann Arbor, Mich.' I know nothing about softball other than the balls aren't really soft.
🧽 Spongebob Squarepants (Nickelodeon, 7:00 PM) "Knock Knock, Who's There?" - 'SpongeBob watches Mr. Krabs' house while he's away and takes extreme measures to make sure no one breaks in.' This seems like one of those storylines the show must have done at some point in it's long history but apparently not.
🏀 Boston Celtics at Brooklyn Nets* (ESPN, 7:30 PM) 'The Nets attempt to pull off their first season sweep of the Celtics since 1996-97. Brooklyn won two meetings in 2020-21 by a combined 40 points. The Nets have won 10 of their last 11 at the Barclays Center and are 23-7 at home this season.' This sounds like it's going to be a blow out. Good thing you have this list so you can find something else to watch.
⚾ College Baseball: Texas at Oklahoma State* (ESPNU, 8:00 PM) 'From Allie P. Reynolds Stadium in Stillwater, Okla.' I couldn't have fewer dogs in this fight.
🔔 The Blacklist (NBC, 8:00 PM) ✔️ "Misere" - 'In a retrospective look at key turning points, steps are retraced that lead Elizabeth Keen to align with a powerful enemy.' This sounds suspiciously like a clip show. Do they even make those anymore?
🦈 Shark Tank (ABC, 8:00 PM) 'A new way to experience art; an innovative cleaning tool; vegan food that isn't boring; a portable and rechargeable solar-powered device; an update on Bug Bite Thing, an insect sting treatment company.' Other than possibly the Bug Bite Thing, which I sincerely hope is the actual name of the product, I don't see much here that will be of interest in the red states.
🤼♂️ WWE's Friday Night Smackdown (Fox, 8:00 PM) Friday night's alright for smackdowns. Get a little action here.
🐟 Tanked: Sea-Lebrity Edition (Discovery, 8:00) "Basketball Superstar Tanks" - 'ATM is enlisted to build two snake tanks for a pair of basketball players; first, NBA player Dwight Howard requests yet another serpent tank for his pit of snakes; then, NBA player Demarcus Cousins wants a corner tank for his home.' Are snakes really that popular of a pet with NBA players?
🔔 Gold Rush (Discovery, 8:00) "Let There Be Gold" - 'Oregonians stake everything on mining and head north to Alaska to dig for gold.' I don't know how Alaska is going to feel about all of these damn Oregonians coming up and taking their gold.
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| RuPaul's Drag Race (via Giphy) |
🔔 RuPaul's Drag Race (VH1, 8:00 PM) ✔️"RPDR Finale" - 'It's time to crown the winner; the top four queens compete in a finale lip sync smackdown; the queens pick a Miss Congeniality.' I don't watch the show but I get the feeling being voted Miss Congeniality isn't really a good thing.
💀 An Unexpected Killer (Oxygen, 8:00 PM) "Hidden Betrayal" - 'A civic-minded teen is shot to death in his own bed, but just as investigators are closing in on those responsible, a twist leaves everyone stunned.' There doesn't appear to be any new episodes of shows about serial killers, which is something we need more of, so this week you'll have to make do with a less ambitious killer.
🎭 Great Performances (PBS, 9:00 PM) "Romeo and Juliet" - 'Simon Godwin directs a film interpretation of Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" set in modern-day Italy.' I once played Benvolio in a horrible Off-Broadway production of Romeo & Juliet that was produced by a cult. Long story.
🔔 Dateline NBC (NBC, 9:00 PM) "TBA" My assumption is they will put together something about someone getting murdered and the entertaining twists that accompanied said murder.
🍴 Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives (Food Network, 9:00 PM) "Triple D Nation: Nostalgic Neighborhood Nosh" - 'Guy Fieri cruises the neighborhood to revisit local hangouts, starting in San Francisco, where an Italian joint keeps crankin' out favorites like chicken marsala; in Philadelphia, an old-school diner is still offering up scrapple and French toast.' Hey, Guy! One of the best diners in NJ is right up the road from my house! Get your ass over there!
🤮 Mama June: From Not to Hot (WE, 9:00 PM) "Road to Redemption: The Visit" - 'Pumpkin, Alana and Ella go down to Florida to visit Mama; Alana struggles to forgive Geno for the past; Jennifer gives Sugar Bear the boot, and Josh gets caught in the crossfire; Jessica busts Josh for hiding secrets from Pumpkin.' I don't know who almost any of these people are and I'm okay with that.
🔔 90 Day Fiancé (TLC, 9:00 PM) "More to Love: Tell All Part 2" - 'Andrew continues to fight to talk to Amira, and she reveals new details about their relationship; Tarik and Hazel come face-to-face with their ex, Minty; Natalie confronts the woman she thinks Mike may have cheated with.' What exactly does TLC stand for anymore? Does it even stand or is it just an amorphous blob?
🔔 20/20 (ABC, 9:01 PM) 'TBA' I tried to find out what they are covering this week but there was still no episode description as of Thursday morning. I'll keep checking though because I take pride in being a diligent What's On Tonight contributor, unlike that lazy bastard Amadeus3000.
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| Stephen Curry (via Giphy) |
🏀 Denver Nuggets at Golden State Warriors* (ESPN, 10:05 PM) 'The Warriors welcome the Nuggets to the Fog City. Stephen Curry✔️ dropped 53 points with 10 3-pointers to help Golden State douse Denver 116-107 on April 12. The Dubs have won four of their past five at home, crafting a 17-10 mark for 2020-21.' That's one spicy Curry.
📺 Johnny Carson (Antenna, 10:00 PM) 'Phyllis George; Mike Farrell; Sean Morey; Jerzy Kosinski.' Is this the one where Mike Farrell climbed on top of Carson's head and peed on him?
🤮 Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO, 10:00 PM) Interview: Fran Lebowitz. Panel: SE Cupp and April Ryan. The question: who are three people I'd rather watch talk to each other than Bill Maher?
🧛♂️ Van Helsing (Syfy, 10:00 PM) "Old Friends" - Jack joins forces with her once-sworn enemy, who reveals a dangerous weapon that will help the Van Helsing's kill the Dark One, but the consequences of using this weapon are dire.' The world has been taken over by vampires. Use the stupid weapon.
🐟 Wicked Tuna (NGC, 10:15 PM) "Man vs. Nature" - 'A look at the most epic battles between the fleet and Mother Nature.' Meanwhile, Mother Nature is all like, "We were fighting?"
🤣 The Graham Norton Show (BBC America, 11:00 PM) "Compilation 1" Second clip show of the day. They're breeding like rabbits.
🤣 The Graham Norton Show (BBC America, 11:00 PM) "Compilation 1" Second clip show of the day. They're breeding like rabbits.
*Sporting Events Are Subject To COVID-Related Postponements.
Broadcast/Cable/Satellite - RETRO
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| King of Queens (via Giphy) |
📺 The Andy Griffith Show (Sundance, 6:30 AM - 1:00 PM); Ancient Aliens (History, 7:00 AM - 12:00 AM); Hawaii Five-0 (Ion, 10:00 AM - 12:00 AM); King of Queens (CMT, 1:00 PM - 4:00 PM)✔️; King of Queens (FYI, 12:00 PM - 12:00 AM)✔️; Bones (TNT, 3:00 PM - 8:00 PM); Barney Miller (Antenna, 8:00 & 8:30 PM); Mom (CMT, 8:00 PM - 12:00 AM); The Jeffersons (Antenna, 9:00 & 9:30 PM); Coach (Antenna, 11:30 PM)
BLAST FROM THE PAST
📺 🤣 Black Adder (Hulu)✔️ 'Many great men have helped shape Britain's noble heritage. Others, like Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson), have not. From coward to cad and back again, Edmund surfaces throughout history with an assortment of cunning plans and serpentine banter.' Happy to pick this one just so I have an excuse to post the clip below. I once said MacBeth backstage of a show and it freaked the director out so much that he ran around the building several times to ward off any potential bad luck. Still not sure how that was supposed to work.
Note: All times are Eastern.
More TV Listings: The Futon Critic; Zap2it
Key Sources: The Futon Critic; Zap2it; Netflix; Wikipedia; Horrornews.net; Sysfy.com⭐: Top Pick
💲: Game show
🎥: Movie
📺: Throwback
✔️: Video/gif/photo included
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