Thoughts on The Stuff

 

via Scared Stiff Reviews/New World Pictures

"Is that dinner?"

"We're dieting! I've lost five pounds this week and I've never felt better."

"Why are you talking like you're on a commercial?"

Timing is everything. While having a pop with lunch, I imagined what would have happened if Larry Cohen waited a little longer to write and direct The Stuff. Would mainstream audiences have taken to his horror comedy if the menace came from a soft drink rather a marshmallow fluff-type dessert? As it happened, The Stuff opened in theaters less than a month before Coca-Cola waved the white flag over New Coke. While goofing around, I imagined "Mo" Rutherford (Michael Moriarty) acting on behalf of the entire junk, fast and processed food industry. My flick would fill some of Cohen's gaps (executives wanted something fast-paced, he said), not look as cheap, maybe be directed by, say, Ivan Reitman ...

... And it wouldn't be The Stuff. Mess with Cohen's goofy charm and you've got a different movie. So let's go back to the one I watched, where Mo gets to the bottom of the mysterious, addictive new food which came from below ground. Thanks to advertising whiz Nicole (Andrea Marcovicci), The Stuff is irresistible to almost all of the public, with the notable exceptions of young Jason (Scott Bloom) and disgruntled ex-cookie tycoon "Chocolate Chip Charlie" (Garrett Morris). Naturally, there's a conspiracy involved in manufacturing The Stuff, with players including Mr. Fletcher (Patrick O'Neal). In classic B movie-style, the military (in this case, led by Paul Sorvino as Col. Spears) gets involved.

"When I was a little girl, I didn't think there was anything I liked better than ice cream. Now I'm a big girl, and I've decided there's something I like better. Much better. It's called The Stuff. And believe me, enough is never enough."

In all honesty, Tammy Grimes' commercial might be the scariest element of The Stuff. Made for $1.7 million, including $15,000 for Clara Peller to say a variant of "Where's the Beef?", The Stuff includes some game attempts at generating thrills. Most of the leads, at one point or another, are either attacked, consumed or nearly consumed by a white blob. Of all people, Danny Aiello guest stars as a man who's terrorized (well, sorta) by his "Stuffie" dog. I appreciate the effort Cohen and company went to with their unusual monster, but I still felt the execution was lacking. Maybe it has to do with the low budget. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I didn't like The Blob that much, either.

There's a lot I liked about The Stuff, too. Moriarty's almost as fun as he was in Q, and he has pretty good rapport opposite Bloom, who's endearingly true to life. I would have liked to have seen more of O'Neal, Sorvino and especially Morris, but each makes an impact over the screentime he has. The same goes for Marcovicci, even if I wouldn't have minded, say, Dee Wallace in her role (Nicole's address to American consumers was reminding me of The Howling's ending). And really, how can you actively hate such an eccentric movie?

"'Scuse me, sir, I kinda just threw up in your car."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"That's all right."

"I just ate shaving cream."

"Well, everybody has to eat shaving cream once in a while."

Boy, this is a toughie. Let's go with recommended with extreme reservations.

Thoughts:
-- "We're Americans -- we've never lost a war!" "What about 'Nam, sir?" "Nam? We lost that war at home, sonny."
-- Critic's Corner: "What we have here are a lot of nice touches in search of a movie," Roger Ebert wrote. "A fascinating document of its time and a good lesson in half-realized potential," Scott Tobias wrote for The A.V. Club in 2013.
-- Hey, It's ...!: Besides Grimes and Peller, the in-universe Stuff commercials include Laurene Landon, Jason Evers, Abe Vigoda and Brooke Adams. Bloom's brother, Brian, played Jason's brother. Extras apparently included Eric Bogosian, Patrick Dempsey and Mira Sorvino (and yes, I looked for them all).
-- Hey, It's the mid-Eighties!: Jason's grocery store rampage was apparently filmed in July 1984, going off the issues of People (Stallone and Dolly plug Rhinestone) and Good Housekeeping (Discovering the truth and debunking the myths of Jackie Kennedy's time as First Lady) on display.
-- "Are you eating it or is it eating you?"
-- Next: The Bride (Wednesday), Smooth Talk (Thursday), Trouble in Mind (Friday), A Chorus Line and possibly Chicago (Saturday) and the finale on Sunday.