Thoughts on Tango & Cash

via Giphy

*Tango (Sylvester Stallone) and Cash (Kurt Russell) have been arguing while taking a private shower in prison. Cash gets out of Tango's sight.*

"What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you ...?"

"Relax. ... *grabs what he needs* Soap. And don't flatter yourself ... peewee."

"I don't know you that well. ... Don't worry, Cash, some day the other one will drop."

"*laughing* Attaboy, tripod. You just keep talking."

"Sure thing, Minnie Mouse."

I started The Films of 1989 with an opposites attract pairing* and I'm (chronologically) ending it with an opposites attract pairing. I guess odd couples are a constant in the movie business. That and metaphorical or literal dick-measuring contests. 

*Three Fugitives, starring Nick Nolte and Martin Short.

Tango is "Armani with a badge," the "Beverly Hills W*p." Cash is the "downtown clown," someone not afraid to say when a situation "fucking sucks!" Responsible for multiple high-profile drug busts, to the point where their last names can be used in a series of newspaper headlines, the pair are set up by Yves Perret (Jack Palance), craftsman of needlessly complicated and unrealistic schemes.

*Perret is playing with his mice*

"Quicker ... and easier. That's how you make a cake. Or clean a toilet bowl. Or shop ... by mail. But it's not how to run a multi-million dollar business like ours. Mr. Quan. On the east side ... your part of the city ... Gabriel Cash ... has cost me $60 million ... including guns, drugs and other enterprises. Mr. Lopez ... Ray Tango ... has cost me even more. Two little mice ... and so much damage. But if we kill them, we risk all-out war with the police. They're heroes already. Why make martyrs of them? Instead of death, we have a game. A game that only we can win."

Anyway, Tango & Cash are framed for murder, they plead guilty to voluntary manslaughter, are sent to a prison where they're going to be cruelly and unusually killed (by electrocution), manage to escape from prison, attempt to clear their name, share awkward dialogue about how Cash wants to fuck Tango's sister Kiki (Teri Hatcher), apparently destroy Perret's whole operation and kill the labored-breathing weirdo, too.

Tango & Cash had two writers and at least four directors. It's not as patchwork of a movie as I expected. Its problem is that it just isn't much fun. The pair first meet when they're being set up, the prison scenes take up way too much time and Stallone's trying just a little too hard. 

I guess it's true what they say. Dying is easy, bro action-comedy is hard.

"This pig and his cop friends broke my ribs, my leg and my jaw."

"You broke that jaw?"

"He deserved it."

"Why did you do that?"

"Why? I was having a bad day!"

"Like now?"
"Like now!"

*Tango & Cash punch out the prisoner*

Not Recommended.

Thoughts:

-- Box Office: Grossing $63.4 million on a $55 million budget, this opened at No. 2 and came in at No. 20 for 1989.

-- Awards Watch: This scored three nominations at the 10th Golden Raspberry Awards. Worst Actor, for Stallone (a combined nomination with Lock Up; he lost to Shatner for Star Trek V). Worst Supporting Actress, for Russell in drag (he lost to Brooke Shields in Speed Zone!). Finally, Worst Screenplay (it lost to Harlem Nights). Tango & Cash was also included in an eight-movie body of work (including eventual Thoughts On entries Rambo: First Blood Part II and Rocky IV) that earned Stallone the honor of Worst Actor of the Decade.

-- Musical Moment: The awesomely cheesy "Best of What I Got," performed by Bad English, plays over the end credits.

-- Critics Corner: "It buries any glimmer of fun beneath stupid jokes, schoolyard sarcasm and brutish, musclebound direction," Janet Maslin wrote. Rita Kempley was okay with Russell, calling him "an inoffensive Mel Gibson clone." On the other hand, she thought Stallone was "an unlovable lummox, preposterous because he takes himself so seriously."

-- Fanservice Junction: A few bare breasts for one half of the audience, Russell and Stallone's bare asses (or possibly their stand-ins' bare asses, considering how the scene was shot) for the other half. 

-- Nathan Rabin, writing at The Dissolve, called Tango & Cash the world's most homoerotic action movie. While it is fun to pretend the heroes are brazenly flirting with each other whenever they're together, this is clearly a movie with two completely heterosexual lead characters. I wouldn't want to see a remake for a few reasons, not least of which is the elevated chances of gaybaiting. 

-- I also wouldn't want to see a Tango & Cash remake because I can't trust that it wouldn't be padded. This movie runs 104 minutes. Bad Boys For Life runs 124 minutes. Hobbs & Shaw runs 137 minutes. A modern Tango & Cash likely wouldn't be content with merely having quirky supporting actors like Michael J. Pollard, Clint Howard and Michael Jeter. It would insist on giving them each an extended wacky scene. 

-- "Double-armored, bulletproof glazing. Transfer case has torque splitting. It'll see 60 in 5 1/2 seconds and pull high-tens in the quarter." "What is that?" "That is an RV from hell. Care to join me?"

-- Tomorrow: Depending on my mood, Dead Poets Society. I'm planning to end The Films of 1989 once and for all tomorrow night with my awards and demerits for the year. I feel like I should see Poets since Robin Williams was Oscar-nominated for it.