What's On Tonight (Wednesday): Christmas Calls the Heart

When Calls the Heart (via Giphy)

Merry Christmas! Yeah, I said it! We can do that now. Wait... there was a time we couldn't? The highlight tonight is Hallmark Channel's lower stakes period-ish drama When Calls the Heart, which is airing its fourth Christmas episode this year. It is fully titled When Calls the Heart: Home for Christmas, but you know who isn't home for the Christmas? Lori Laughlin. Elsewhere, the options are slim. The midwives are back, the murder imports continue, Joe Kenda investigates homicide, Guy Fieri games, and men battle bears. That's about it. To beef up options, I included several Christmas movies and a large handful of classic TV shows airing Christmas episodes. I know, I know... times are slow. WOTs are slim and Headlines and Politics Corner are on break or slim during the holiday, but let's not forget Jeopardy! is still new and on Sunday, there will be open threads for the best movies and TV programs of the year and decade. In the meantime, have you picked your Add, Drop & Swap for Cancellation League yet? [Note to self: DO THAT!] I don't care what your momma says, Christmastime is here, so here's what's on television for tonight, Wednesday, December 25!

💻 STREAMING

The Gulf (Sundance Now, 3 a.m.): Ruby goes missing, and it's a race against time for Jess and her team to both locate a missing body and find their murder suspect.

Murdoch Mysteries (Acorn TV, 3 a.m.): PREMIERE. Season 13 kicks off when Julia is at Suffragette rally, and a bomb is set off. Obviously Murdoch's gotta investigate. Effie Newsome encourages George to take his book to a publisher.

Wisting (Sundance Now, 3 a.m.): Aided by two FBI agents, Wisting tracks American serial killer Robert Godwin to a remote farm.

🎅🎄☃️🎁 THEATRICAL CHRISTMAS MOVIES in PRIMETIME 🎁☃️🎄🎅
with Amadeus3000's handy-dandy star ratings*!
*to those that he has watched

Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights* (MTV2, 9 p.m.): ★½
Almost Christmas (FX, 11:30 p.m.): ?
A Bad Moms Christmas (Showtime, 10:10 p.m.): ★½
Bad Santa (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.): ★★★
Bad Santa 2 (Comedy Central, midnight): ★★
A Christmas Carol (1951) (FX Movie Channel, 6:40, 8:30, and 10:20 p.m. and 12:10 a.m.): ★★★★
A Christmas Story (TNT, 7 p.m.): ★★★½
Deck the Halls (Freeform, midnight): ★★
Die Hard (WGN, 6 p.m. / Paramount Network, 8 p.m.): ★★★★
Disney's A Christmas Carol (Starz Encore, 6:20 p.m.): ★½
Elf (AMC, 8 and 10 p.m.): ★★★
Four Christmases (WE, 8 and 10 p.m.): ★½
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (Freeform, 8:20 p.m.): ★★½
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (NBC, 8:30 p.m.): ★½
The Ice Harvest (HBO 2, 8 p.m.): ★★★½
It's a Wonderful Life (E!, 6 and 9 p.m.): ★★★★
Jingle All the Way (HBO, 6:30 p.m.): ★★
Love Actually (HBO, 10:15 p.m.): ★★★
The Magical Cracker** (Showtime, 8 p.m.): ★★
The Night Before (FX, 9:30 p.m.): ?
Nutcracker: The Motion Picture (This TV, 7:30 p.m.): ★★
Office Christmas Party (FX, 7:15 p.m.): ★★
The Polar Express (AMC, midnight): ★★★
Santa Claus Conquers the Martian (Comet, 2 a.m.): ★
Susan Slept Here (TCM, 6 p.m.): ★★
The Thin Man (TCM, 8 p.m.): ★★★★
Topper Takes a Trip (TCM, 9:45 p.m.): ★★½
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*I know, a holiday season movie
**Again, I just love including that title

🎅🎄☃️🎁 TV-MADE CHRISTMAS MOVIES in PRIMETIME 🎁☃️🎄🎅

Bounce: Greyson Family Christmas; Every Day But Christmas

Disney XD: The Ultimate Christmas Present
Hallmark Channel: Christmas at the Plaza; Cherished Memories: A Gift to Remember 2; Check Inn to Christmas
Lifetime: The Christmas Temp; Christmas Hotel; You Light Up My Christmas
Retro TV: A Heartland Christmas
OWN: An En Vogue Christmas; Baking Christmas; Carole's Christmas
TV One: A Christmas Blessing; Black Nativity; Dear Santa, I Need a Date; Merry Ex-Mas

If you want streaming options, check here, here, and/or here.

I Love Lucy (via Giphy)

EARLY PRIMETIME

Frasier 📺 (Cozi TV, 7 p.m.): Frasier plans a big Christmas blowout, while Daphne comes to grips with some surprising information.

Jeopardy! 💲 (Syndicated, check your local listings): On Christmas Eve, newcomer Robin defended her title in a rather low scoring game. Can she defend today? We shall see.

M*A*S*H 📺 (MeTV, 6 p.m.): In this late-run series highlight, the camp throws a Christmas party for Korean orphans while Hawkeye, B.J., and Margaret try to keep an injured solider alive through the holiday.

Community (via Giphy)

🕗 EASTERN / 🕖 CENTRAL

Barney Miller 📺 (Antenna TV, 8 p.m.): When a blizzard paralyzes New York City on Christmas Eve, several homeless people take refuge in the squad room.

Everybody Loves Raymond 📺 (TV Land, 8 p.m.): When Ray gives his parents an engraved toaster for Christmas, they exchange it right away without even opening it.

Futurama 📺 (Syfy, 8 p.m.): Fry discovers that Santa Claus is an 8-foot robot who menaces people on Christmas Eve in the year 3000.

Lucy Worsley's 12 Days of Tudor Christmas (PBS, 8 p.m.): Host Lucy Worsley explores the Tudor origins of certain Christmas traditions, from carols and turkey to gift-giving and mistletoe. That sounds kinda interesting!

⭐ When Calls the Heart (Hallmark Channel, 8 p.m.): In the fourth Christmas special, the residents of Hope Valley celebrate the spirit of Christmas and their connection to one another during the holiday season. We also have a leading lady finding herself in a love triangle and her son celebrating his first birthday. He's a Christmas baby, so he will probably despise Christmas in later years. [see Happy Endings episode "No Ho Ho"]

FOR THE RECORD: Alaskan Bush People (Discovery Channel); WWE NXT (USA)

Happy Endings (via Giphy)

🕘 EASTERN / 🕗 CENTRAL

Call the Midwife (PBS, 9 p.m.): Today in "that's still on?!" it's the British import Call the Midwife with its annual Christmas episode. This year, Mother Mildred and the Nonnatus House team respond to a nursing shortage at the Outer Hebrides, where they strive to keep up with the needs of the locals. I jumped ship during the show's fourth series (the first two are excellent). It is starting its ninth!

FOR THE RECORD: Guy's Grocery Games (Food Network); Homicide Hunter: Lt. Joe Kenda (Investigation Discovery); Life Below Zero (National Geographic); Man vs. Bear (Discovery Channel); NFL: The Grind (Epix)

Night Court (via Giphy)

🕙 EASTERN / 🕘 CENTRAL

The Dick Van Dyke Show 📺 (Decades, 10 p.m.): Aiming for a Christmas episode with more heart, The Alan Brady Show staff goes in front of the camera to perform. It's a good episode.

Friends 📺 (Nick-at-Nite, 10:30 p.m.): In this series highlight, Ross' attempts to introduce his son, Ben, to Hanukkah (and an armadillo) are thwarted by the tyke's like of all things Christmas.

The Addams Family (via Giphy)

🕚 EASTERN / 🕙 CENTRAL

Hart to Hart 📺 (FE TV, 11 p.m.): A jingle-gram company serves as a front for an organization of burglars targeting the Harts.

Wings (via Giphy)

💤💤😴💤💤

3rd Rock from the Sun 📺 (Laff, 2 a.m.): When the aliens celebrate their first Christmas, Dick becomes a Scrooge.

Dear John 📺 (Antenna TV, 2 a.m.): When his son goes to Disneyland for Christmas, John winds up spending Christmas in his apartment with his elderly neighbor, Mrs. Lumenski.

Mannix 📺 (MeTV, 1 a.m.): Pilot! The cycle starts again.

According to Jim (via Giphy)

Late-Night Talk & Satire

The Dick Cavett Show 📺 (Decades, 9 p.m.): Ferdie Pacheco, Lucille Ball, Lucie Arnaz, and Carol Burnett (9 Mar 1971)
Johnny Carson 📺 (Antenna TV, 10 p.m.): Bonnie Hunt, Jonathan Winters, and Joe Williams (20 Dec 1991)

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Note: All times are Eastern.

Key Sources: The Futon Critic (outline); Zap2it (descriptions); TV Passport (throwbacks)
⭐: Top pick(s)
💲: Game show
📺: Throwback
🎥: Movie

Saturday Night Live (via Giphy)

Happy watching, everyone!